This aint my party to plan.

  Wow been awhile.  Been a crazy summer, a summer of change, a summer of emotions, a summer of busy, and summer of just simply being so overwhelmed with life. 

  I think that we have had one of the busiest summers of my life. I haven't blogged in a while because I wasn't ready to tell our summer story.  Since I started this blog I have promised to be open and honest and tell our story, but I guess this summer was something I had never dreamed I'd be writing about.  But now I realize it is just another chapter in our story, and I'm happy to announce we lived through it! Now I will warn you this is candid, raw and honest.  It is the truth.

 Well to spare you ALL the details and to keep this somewhat to the point,  I will tell you that we had our first IUI fertility treatment in June, sadly we got the all to familiar big fat negative.  I was a mess, I think I pretty well held it together in front of people, BUT when I was alone, at home, in my car, in the shower, saw a baby in Target,  I just lost it.  I had planned it all out, everything was set, the time was right, the cost was right, the odds were in every way in my favor.  Except one huge thing was missing.  Why was God doing this?  Where was my miracle baby?  Where was my happy ending?  I didn't get those answers, I wanted those answers, I still don't have those answers.  What I did have was a big mess of myself, a fake smile, a rehearsed line about how I would be ok, a mad spirit and a giant whole in my heart.

  So after a few days...ok like a week...or more, whose counting...ugh pathetic...let just not worry about how long it was, lol, I pulled it together posted some fake sappy blog about how it would all be ok and we decided to try again in July.  This time, was different it was going to work, I mean "statistically it takes more then one time, the average person takes 3 times" blah, blah, blah...I totally suckered myself into reading studying every word of that crap, and sadly started believing it as my truth.  So we put our brave faces on and went back to the doctor, and when I tell you everything that possibly could have gone wrong, did go wrong.  It was a stressful morning, to say the least.  But I made up my mind, this was happening.  Period.  Done. Check Please.  I decided it was right and that was just going to have to be ok.  God would just have to understand.

  Before I continue, I know that none of you would ever do what I did and tell God what he was going to do for you, because just take it from me, its taken me a very long journey, a lot of struggle and lot of being broken down to finally understand that this ain't my party to plan. Just learn from my mistakes.

Anyways, back to the procedure, we started in on the two week wait, I continued my fake act, my fake smile accompanied by something profound (ok, stop laughing, I don't think I have had a profound thought in my life)I continued to go to church, to pray my same prayer of Thank you God that you WILL give us this baby (see how even I spun that to what I wanted), I continued the same fake life just as I did before, as if I was some freak of nature who could just blow it off and make a joke of it, and if anyone mentioned anything "Oh what are you talking about, I'm not even thinking about it at all"  WRONG...I'm surprised I was able to form coherent sentences around the giant cassette player in my brain that was on repeat, replaying every pregnancy symptom ever listed on any list known to man...of course I obviously had them all, I was just waiting to start showing in those 14 days.

That was until day 11, I was at church and during worship it hit me, like smacked me in the face hit me.  I realized right then and there I'm not the creator I'm the vessel, Travis isn't the creator, the doctor especially isn't either.  None of us can plan the party, if you will, without the ultimate event planner.  At that exact moment I knew the treatment didn't work, I can't explain it, I wont try, but I wouldn't take a test, I didn't have a peace about it, and so I didn't.  Just as I knew it would, it happened just like every other month, but strangely enough I didn't freak out,  I was upset but I was ok. 

 Now this hit me hard, I was a mess again but for another reason.  I realized in that moment I had put everything I wanted ahead of everything God wanted, I hadn't looked for His will I just told him what I was going to do and then prayed for the outcome I wanted.  I fell to my knees and asked forgiveness, repented for my selfishness, my need to control, and for my plain ol' untrusting heart. I finally understood why I kept understanding Sarah's story,  before I was kind of like, obviously that's the ultimate fertility story, but Im not that old, and I wont be that old when I have a baby.  But I finally got that I had put so much pressure on myself and God about getting pregnant before I turned 30 because I would be so "old" and my dreams would never come true.  I was basically, like Sarah, laughing at God, not trusting, just planning. Somehow, somewhere in the place I needed Him the most, I completely shut him out. I was trying to be the creator, I was trying to make things happen that weren't in his will for me.  I lost my promises, I was focusing on what he didn't provide me, instead of what He does.  Instead of waking up thanking him, I was waking up telling him what he was going to do.  I was asking for prayer, but wasn't properly doing it myself. 

Talk about a realization that will make you fall on your knees.  Talk about something super painful and embarrassing to write.  I had completely shut God out.  Yet God never gave up on me, he never let me go.  My friend Blaine said something to me just this weekend that resonated with me and I think is what has helped me be ready to tell the story of our summer.  She said "I hate when people say, God will never give you more then you can handle,  He will totally give you more, because that is when we fall to our knees and realize we can't make it without him and need Him the most." 

  I know He has brought me a long ways, in just this short amount of time but I also know that there is still a long way to go, God is dealing with me in his own way and showing me new things daily.  As far as fertility treatments go, I can't say what is in our future, Im obviously not against it and we may do them again, but what I can say is that I want to live in God's will for my life and I will be listening much more then telling in the future.

Thank you God that you are a merciful Father that sent his only son to die on the cross for our sins and that you love us enough to forgive us even when we are ungrateful brats. 

Isaiah 40:28-31
 28 Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.29 He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.30 Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;31 but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.

Today is the day the Lord has made!

   This morning we had some news that could be well for lack of better terms discouraging.  So I started my day by laying in my bed, deciding how the rest of the day would go.  I made a decision this morning that I would not let the enemy win this one, that would push through the hurt and pain and feelings of wanting to lay in my floor for the rest of the day and cry about how sorry I felt for myself...which I wont lie, I have done. Instead I decided to raise my hands and praise Him for the things I had, not beg for the things I didn't have.   

  As I lay in bed and listened to Kari Jobe "You are for me"  I realized that God doesn't do things TO us, he does things FOR us.  We live in a fallen world where things happen that aren't of God, we don't understand them or like them.  Cancer, Infertility, Murders, etc...but to me those are the moments, that we must stand up for what we know and that is that He is a big God and though things happen, that we don't like, or want, it isn't God doing it to us.  In our case, I know that God is not causing our baby issues, he wants to and will give me the desires of my heart.  The word says Worship the Lord your God, and his blessing will be on your food and water. I will take away sickness from among you, and none will miscarry or be barren in your land. I will give you a full life span. Exodus 23:25-26   but what is doesn't say is that every women will get exactly what she wants when she wants (which...sometimes OK all the time I wish was in there...and trust me I have read that over and over hoping it will one day appear, obviously it hasn't)

  The truth is that I know there is a plan that to bluntly put is not for me to know, it is for me to trust.  So for today I choose to trust, and not figure out, or be in the know.  The more  Travis and I choose to dwell on the past, the bad, the things we have done just puts the enemy in a spot he loves, control of our thoughts....and this is something I refuse to do!!

  Through the hard times and the good times we must all choose to believe that God is still God and that is forever unchanged,  which is something that is just completely up to us.  It is never forced on us, nor does or should it be a source of guilt, God lets us make our own decisions and we must choose to believe that He loves us and what the word says are promises to us.  Why that is sometimes so hard to do, I don't know, why do I sometimes question or worry, baffles me, because in my heart and every ounce of my being I know He is there, I know he will never leave me or forsake me.  I know he has written promises on my heart and they will be fulfilled! 

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12

Thank you all for your prayers and continuing to believe with us that this will happen!!  I've never been a quitter and don't intend to start now!

Oh its Mothers Day, again

Wow what a crazy past few weeks.  I have been from Brenham, to Dallas, to Cozumel.  Now Im not complaining (well I will say that I could have done without the stomach flu, in the middle of all that) just trying to stop and breathe.  I am finally home and glad to be here...well I will be tomorrow.  Not that I don't want to be home, I just wish that I could have stayed gone one more day instead of coming back to reality on today of all days.

  Now I don't mean that to sound like a whiney little cry baby, I mean not completely, but sometimes I just wanna.  I woke up today, feeling ok, I was feeling like I could conquer the world.  I prepared myself for the endless, Happy Mothers Days, they see my face and ask "are you a mother?" and then finally end it with an endearing "next year will be your year".  Not that anyone ever, ever means these things to be mean, or hurtful, I do realize that.  It's just that Mothers Day for a lady trying to conceive is exactly what Valentines is to a single person, a made up commercial holiday, that reminds you exactly what you don't have.  So once I got to church, this morning, after a long prayer on the way,  I parked and was greeted at my car by a sweet cart driver who started right off the bat with a "HAPPY MOTHERS DAY", I smiled and said thank you (in my head I was like "Ok God"), because I was ready for it...right.  Then I walked in the door to another, hey happy mothers day, again, smile, and nod.  Then on to another, and another.  I then walked out the door to a sweet little boy trying to hand me a rose for mothers day, who I politely declined.  By the time I left work today, I was ready to pull into the nearest grocery store, buy some oreos, mint chocolate chip ice cream and a bunch of milky ways, to enjoy while I went home and deleted everyone on face book that was expecting, or had recently had a baby in the last, oh 10 years.  Lol!  Don't worry, I didn't do that.

  Instead, I said "self, you are thinking of your self and not Him"  After all, I have been given a promise, I have been given the choice to choose how I react, and I have been given grace to be forgiven for my thoughts and ill feelings.  So I put myself together and stopped thinking of myself and started putting my thoughts where they needed to be.  When I finally put my mind back into where it needed to be, God reminded me of Matthew 17:20 He replied, "Because you have so little faith.  I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here and there' and it will move.  Nothing will be impossible for you." To which I realized, that even on the days that I did not feel like my faith would move a mountain, I still had power ove the enemy and my thoughts, and even on the days when I didn't feel like praising and praying, and more like crying and eating junk, that those were the days it was most important for me to focus on God and focus on the promises I have been given.  God  hasn't forgotten me, he hasn't left me, and he will never expect me to forge through the tears and bad days alone.  So moms to be, I tell you we will make it!  Once we realize that God is all we need, that is where we will find peace.  

 And to all my favorite mommies, and mommies to be, I pray that you were pampered and loved today, and that you enjoyed your babies and held them a little tighter!  Happy mothers day, I am truly happy for each of you!  

On a lighter note, here's a great picture of me and Momma!  Love her! http://instagr.am/p/KlYHn4CeTm/

For in this hope we were saved.  But hope that is seen is no hope at all.  Who hopes for what he already has?  But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. Romans 8:24-25

Duh, dummy

HELLO, HELLO, HELLO... If I could make a blog echo for a grand entrance I would...but I can't so you just have to deal with my typing it (and giggling to myself while thinking about it).

  Y'all I am tired, like tripped on the stairs at work today (4 times, luckily no one was counting), drank 3 LARGE cups of coffee, and walked in a circle 3 times around Target, because I couldn't' remember what I went for, tired.  Working for a church during the super bowl known as Easter, makes you a tid bit sleepy.  The weird thing is I am more tired today then any of last week.  I think it's because last week my body knew the work had to be done, no excuses, and now my mind and body are like "ENOUGH!  I NEED TO STOP FUNCTIONING." However, my lack of sleep was worth watching what God did for our church this week, we were able to cook, and feed over 10,000 meals ANNNNDDDD, there was a record number of people give their life to Christ!!!  Praise God!  I actually got the pleasure of talking to a couple of the people who decided to change their life and I can not even tell you how cool that was!  (I know I'm using a lot of exclamations, which is normal, but this time it is totally appropriate, we can never be too excited about watching God do miracles!)

  As I reflect on Easter and the meaning, it kinda makes me feel a little dumb.  I know that sounds weird, but the truth is it makes me feel real dumb.  First I feel dumb for ever feeling like since I came to Christ later in life that I wasn't as good as people who were raised in church...that actually sounds more ridiculous now that I have actually typed it out.  But, honestly, I have some severe insecurity over my faith sometimes and not being as "smart" as others and not knowing every story in the bible, or being able to quote every scripture (and in the light of honesty, sometimes I actually have to flip through the pages discretely to find the book I'm looking for...don't tell anyone).  However during this weekend, I was sweetly reminded that when I was saved and asked Jesus into my heart that I was a new creation in Christ.   I was, am, and always will be learning and growing and seeking.  As I watched people make decisions for Christ, I watched a boulder lift off their shoulders, I was hit with the love of Christ who showed me the story of the sacrifice, the blood and the price that was paid to wash us clean of our yesterday and make us new today.  Sometimes I allow the enemy to smack me right in the gut with what hurts the most, and that is what makes me feel the dumbest.  God excepted me right where I was, He has never forced me, never made me feel guilty, nor as He ever made me feel dumb.  Most importantly, He loves me just as I am!

 So for my second, wow I feel like a dummy, revelation.  Since God has excepted me just as I am, I need to except him just as He is, which is perfect, and all knowing.  Yeah kinda hard to argue that, right.  Well if you know me, you know that, well, ugh your going to make me say it aren't you...I will argue with a brick wall to get my way...stop hounding me OK, I said it.  I realized that I have been trying to tell God what would  be a cool story for my life.  I have had all the answers and have been telling Him the way it should go.   Like, "OK, God, listen you gave me this job, now lets top it off with me getting pregnant.  I can see it now, you would be a hero!" I have worked out the story and explained to God that if he would do it my way, it would make the story awesome.  Yeah, you see why I feel dumb?  I keep trying to tell Him how big he could be, instead of just taking in how big is already is.  I now realize that while we don't know Gods plan for our lives, he is always in control.  He has counted my tears before be I cried them, he has not only counted the hairs on my head, but has also counted the hairs on my child's head.  His plan and timing is perfect for not only my life, but the life of our one day child!

Thank you lord for you your promises!

Enter his gates with thanksgiving
and his courts with praise; 
give thanks to him and praise his name. 
For the Lord is good and his love endures forever;
his faithfulness continues through all generations.
http://bible.us/Ps100.4.NIV84

Infertility Anonymous

Well friends, I don't really have a great introduction for this, seems my witty-ness has witted out, and I have wittle to say...ok, ok, I realize how lame that is, and will stop, I also realize you don't believe I have little to say.  (But I can't promise it won't come back, lame seems to be my middle name)  Lol!  

  I went to my first infertility class through my church, and very unlike my irrational fear, I did not have to stand up in front of a group and say "My name is Kayla and I'm unexplainablely infertile."  No one wore a huge sign on them saying "I can't have babies", nor did we walk in crying and hugging like some may picture a bunch of women doing.  Instead, I actually walked into a room with a small group of women that looked just like you and me, they worked regular jobs, none had ever been to the moon, or looked like an alien.  I know this sounds silly, but the truth is, my fear had given me irrational thoughts about women with infertility and that we were all freaks that no one wanted to talk to.  Instead it made me realize something that has sometimes plagued my mind, I am not alone, nor am I the only one that sometimes feels like God has forgotten them.  I realized that when I have moments of weakness, and days of tears, I am not crazy.  I'm not the only one that lives in a constant two week waiting cycle.  I am not the only one that has had to make hard choices about seeking medical help, and I am not the only one who questions my faith or wonders if God hears my prayers.  

What I also realized was that we are all in this together and that this problem effects more women that we even know.  Most women, are not as open and honest about the problem and don't care to speak openly about it.  I however, am true to Kayla form, am not like most women.  I was very open about my feelings of being embarrassed, ashamed, and just downright mad.  The truth is most women aren't this open and are what was described as "silently screaming" for help, understanding, love and support.  I for one, am a rather odd case, I would say.  As open as I am on this blog, I honestly can't talk about it to much, I can be super open with some, but others I feel embarrassed and don't know what to say...there you have it, I am actually experiencing something in time, where I have no words, lol.  The truth is, I don't know what to say, because it seems at any moment, at any time, I could break down crying, and at other times, I am totally able to joke and laugh about it.  Like I have said before, it's a roller coaster that seems to just go up and down a hill, in which sometimes you feel you are wearing a seat belt and other times you feel you aren't (which would be real scary...wonder what the screaming picture would look like of that at the end of the ride).  

Now about my personal journey.  I had a little melt down the other day.  Period.  I wish I could explain it differently, but sometimes we have to call a spade a spade, I had a childish, 5 year old melt down the other day and over what you ask, vacation. Of all things, vacation.  As my sweet, patient husband was as calm as he could possibly be, with me melting down like a 5 year old in a candy store.  We started talking and as I got deeper in the conversation it was quickly apparent that this infertility stuff was spilling over into other parts of my life and mind that I had no clue it even effected/affected (seriously these words are dumb, just make your own call on which one is right).  It was pointed out to me by my loving husband, that in my need to control things, and clearly having no control what so ever one this issue, I was trying to control every other aspect of my life, including things that should be so much fun that no tears should ever be shed over them.  One would think that would make me come to a rainbows and lollipops, type of frolicking throughout the meadow type of feeling...but, well, instead I took the "I want a puppy, and I want it now!" stance and put my biggest crybaby panties on and continued to melt down like someone took my toy.  

As perfect as the timing was <insert sarcastic eye roll> With this slight malfunction of the part of the brain used to control any rational thoughts, came the moment every woman loves, I got that fun little monthly alert that my two week counting cycle, would be starting over for yet another month.  Which didn't add to my melt down, as you may have guessed.  So after somewhat (said loosely) pulling myself together and journaling, and taking some quiet time, I felt like God was clearly telling me "stop making this other peoples problem, and stop expecting others to do it for you"  (clearly, for obvious reasons no one can do it for me, I mean, awkward)  but what I understood it as, no matter how much I lean into other people for prayer, encouragement, love, and to listen.  No one else can do it better then God.  I honestly have to stop waiting for people to believe it for me, and believe it for myself!  I also took it as this just isn't the right time for us to do the whole IVF stuff right now.  Does that mean it won't come back in the future, or course it doesn't, it just means not now! 

So for now I am reminding and believing for myself that God still has a plan for us, and He has given me the desire of my heart for a reason, I will be a mother one day, my story has just been written differently then others!  

 Psalm 37:  Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.

P.S.  One of the ladies in charge of the class, has a really awesome website, and I really loved this section of it.  Knowing that unless you have been through it, you don't necessarily understand it, and may not always have the words to say (and really no one actually expects you to) so, here are some helpful suggestions, if you run into a friend or family member with the same problem.  http://dancinguponbarrenland.com/infertility-etiquette-what-to-do/family-response/

Psalm 56:3  When I am afraid, I will trust in you.

Mama said if you can't say nothing nice, don't say nothing at all.

I don't know if you have noticed, and I don't mean to brag, but well, I am EXTREMELY talented at taking huge breaks in blogging.  It isn't that I don't have things to say, because if you know me, or if you don't, you probably know or have figured that there have been maybe 3 (and that is being generous) times in my life that I have not had anything to say about any subject.  Which actually brings me to the topic of this blog.

I have had a pretty eventful couple of weeks, I started my new job, IT IS AWESOME!  I ran a 10K race, fastest time I have ever had!  My best friend Tiff and I went to a women's retreat, God is good!  And I think we had every single person we have ever come into contact with over for dinner, which I'm a hostess at heart and love it.  Even though none of those things have anything even remotely in common, oddly enough have all had one theme that has been brought up in some form or another in them all, and that is watch your words.

I know you're thinking, DUH, watch your words, I learned that when I was 3.  BUT did you?  OK maybe you did, but I realized I haven't, I haven't at all.  I have talked about it, I have thought about it, I have read about it, my mama told me to do it, but I certainly ain't doin' it.  Literally in the last 3 weeks, I have been reminded in every single daily activity I have done.  You ever get that throw your hands up in the air and scream "I get it" feeling?  Well I did and I finally gave in and decided to try it.  Do you know how hard it is, to speak good things and not bad, to be deliberately thankful, and to want to say something nice sometimes?  Of course, this is probably something that comes naturally to you, and you are reading this thinking I'm a negative Nancy and need to get over myself.  But humor me and keep reading.  Sometimes for me I think that it is just plain ole easier to look at the situation and just be in it, not really happy or sad but just be in it.  It's hard work to be thankful in situations that you aren't to thrilled about...AND here is the kicker, actually mean it.  Its hard for me to want to be thankful to God when my plan doesn't match His.  Its hard to change my thinking to praise God for his timing that is more perfect then mine.  After all why do I want to be thankful when I'm not getting my way?    Well, I don't.  That's exactly why God has put it in my face every step I take.  I have had to be honest with myself, real honest, and in those un-thankful moments, stop myself dead in my tracks and reverse my thinking, I promise this is harder then it sounds, because it comes more natural to us to be negative and focus on the sickness, the house repair, the broken hair straightener (OK this happened, and let me tell you sister, its hard for the entire world to not focus on the fact that my hair straightener was broken, cause IT AIN'T PRETTY) instead of stopping and saying Thank you God, you have given me a healthy body to fight this, a home to live in that I am able to repair, and you have put hair on my head (even though, my hair isn't what I see in the Pantene commercials).

So, I resolve to be thankful in the small things, and be happy that every day I wake up, is one more day that I have life in this crazy world!

You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy. that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.  O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever.  Psalm 30:11-12

The cheese to my macaroni

So with the ever annoying Valentines approaching, and with the new series "Lasting Love" we are doing with our youth group at church, it really got me thinking (yea that can be scary)! I realized that I have written this blog from the middle of our struggle with our infertility and never really explained any back story about Travis and I. So, choose now if you would like to continue reading, because this could hit the top of the cheese ball scale!

*CHEESE-O-METER STARTS NOW!* So, since I plan on one day printing this blog into a little book (like totally one from fed-ex or something, don't go thinking I think I'm cool enough to actually print a book)to one day give my kids...I know that seems odd, but I think it would be cool for them to see how they were actually loved so much before they even were...or is that really too weird, be honest, no wait don't. GEEZ KAYLA BACK ON TRACK!

ANYWAYS, I have decided to start this from the beginning. Now from the top (deep breath in) Travis and I don't have one of those sweet stories that I so often hear of how they met their significant other. We have a unique story. We actually went to school together, by school I mean elementary to high school. But me being the super popular and awesome at everything I touched, kid I was way cooler then him and we were not friends (this is true, do not listen if he tells you otherwise..have I ever lied to you). It wasn't that we didn't know each other we were just not friends, nor did we even probably speak 2 whole sentences to each other. It is possible it was because we looked like this:

(Apparently we didn't get the memo, that said just because we were being photographed by the same photographer we didn't need to look just alike...embarrassing) And yes, we still want to reproduce, knowing this could be the outcome.

So any who, we were a grade apart (he was older, I'm not a cradle robber) and we both graduated (though you can't always tell with my grammar mistakes),  we went on our happy lives never thinking of the other ever again. Until 8 years later, around the time I lived in Austin and he lived in Houston. Y'all remember myspace? Of course you do, its not like we are 10 years in the future. Well one day, I got a random message from Travis saying that he thought something I said was funny, I remember thinking, "whoa, that's a blast from the past", stalked his pictures (again with the honesty thing...stop judging you so do that too), and went on about my day never thinking a thing about it. Randomly, about 3 weeks later we ended up meeting at a birthday party, ugh, we met at a bar, OK, geez stop pressuring me, we met a birthday party at a bar. (My entire life I said "I would NEVER EVER, marry someone I met at a bar *moral of the story, never say never*)

 After we met we had a long distance relationship, all of which we talked about marriage, like I'm not kidding we met in November and talked about getting married in January not actually getting married, just we knew we would get married...you probably knew that...I say when you know, you know, and we knew! Since we had both come out of relationships, that were, well obviously not meant to be, we decided that the smart thing to do was to wait a year, then make a commitment to each other before we picked up one of our lives and moved it to a different town. So after digging in and stinking to our guns a few months of dating, I came home one weekend and went back to Austin with a ring on my finger!! (that is also a good story)

I remember thinking that we were going to live happily ever after, in our house with a picket fence and 3 kids running around (2 boys and a girl of course), and I would bake apple pies all day. OK, OK, honestly I never thought any of that, except the kids part. I did, however, think we would have kids, and I did think we would live in this bubble where we were on a honey moon 24/7. (you can laugh at my ignorance now) I quickly learned that, with that ring on my finger I didn't get my fantasy of a husband that twirls me around the kitchen telling me how beautiful I am. I didn't get my fantasy of the husband telling me "honey, that's the mans job, let me take care of that" and what I also didn't get was the hallmark commercial life that made me think that every kiss begins with Kay, and that my husband would come home with roses after every business trip just because he missed me. What I did get was real life. Real bill paying, arguing over whats on TV, muttering under your breath how annoying the other is, cover stealing, regular life.

 So I know this sounds like I'm complaining, but keep reading, it gets better!

Back to the Valentines thing coming up, I started thinking about my real life and how incredibly blessed I am to be in the exact moment I'm in right now. It got me thinking about this man that I call my husband and so often take for granted. You may have guessed that I am not exactly the easiest person to live with. Not because I am mean and demand things my way...all the time. More because, I'm goofy, I'm messy, my mind can't stick to one project at home, I am constantly stressing over trivial things,  I cry a lot, get my feelings hurt a lot,  I can be incredibly lazy, I like to tell him what to do and well, I just really hate laundry. I have a temper and I sometimes like to throw things to make a point. I also can be, in the words of my good friend Mr. Adam Lotts, just a down right "crap bag".  Don't get me wrong Travis can be all of these things also, most people think Travis is the nicest guy they ever met, and never has a temper, and blah, blah, blah, lol. Which he most certainly is those things, but, we all have our down falls. However with Travis, his good, out weighs his bad (obviously). He is the most compassionate, funny, loving, kind hearted, gentle, animal loving (I once caught him trying to save a bird with tiny chest compressions...don't tell him I told you that), God loving, leader of my house hold, amazing man I know. He laughs to much and to hard at jokes sometimes, he thinks he is funnier then he is, and he loves me even with my flaws. The thing I learned about real life is, it is not perfect. We fight, boy do we sometimes fight. I never knew I could love someone so hard headed, that will argue a point so much, even if we are saying the same thing just worded differently. He will fight to win, just to make me say the way he said it was better. I also never knew I could love someone so much, while simultaneously wanting to throw things at him...like a shoe or breakfast burrito...at his head...that I took off my foot/was eating because it was the only thing I had (that darn honesty thing again). I never knew that I could love someone to the point of my heart aching, when they are hurting. I never knew I could think that the things that I hated about other guys would be so cute on him, or that the things I thought were so cute on him, would end up driving me nuts. I never honestly never knew that I could love someone this deeply and this much, who also sometimes makes me want to pull my hair out.

But what I really never knew was that having an infertility problem, would be in our future.  And, I also would have never guessed that it would make us a stronger couple with more love for each other then we could imagine. For that I am truly thankful, I honestly am. You see I think that this issue can go either way with couples. I think that it could easily break you, I can see how as much as a man wants to, he doesn't understand, and as much as I want to understand I don't really know how he hides his emotions. With us, I quickly realized that the man I married hides his emotions so that I have no fear, so I can cry when I want and know that he is my strong rock. The man I married, loves me no matter what, and when I have silly fears that he will trade me in for a "working model" comes home and randomly tells me how much he loves me or sends me a random email that says "I hope you know how much you mean to me", easing fears he never knew I had. The man I married, makes me laugh, even in the moments I just really don't want to laugh. The man I married, is the leader of our house and a mighty man of God!

Great. Now, I'm a big ol' weepy ball of love. 

My husband amazes me daily with something new. I can't even imagine how awesome of father he will be. With my real life, I realized that, it was better then any fantasy or hall mark commercial I could have ever dreamed up, now I'm sure this post won't change our life and make us never fight again, because I assure you, God put two hard headed people together. However the great thing about us, is there in never a point where we even remotely think our fights would end us.  With my real life I am 100% secure, and he is better then any husband I could have ever molded myself. I got a dream that I didn't even know I wanted. Who else could put up with either of us, anyways.

I realize this was long, and off the charts of the cheese scale, but thanks for reading!

To Be-lieve, or not to be-lieve!

So after my big announcement last week I have really had some time to reflect, read, and do a ton of home improvement projects (but my DIY projects are not really related, just wanted to mention, lol).    In my reflection and quiet time the same theme has come up over and over and I can't help but think that maybe, just maybe God is doing his God thing and making a point that I can't miss!  It's a hard one that I am not happy to admit, but in my quest for honesty, I figure I have to be be honest with myself...have you ever noticed how easy it is to lie to ourselves to the point where we start to believe we are telling the truth, weird how that works, lol.  Anyways,  I said last time that I realized that I have been holding on to this idea that I believe God can conquer all our problems and nothing is to big for Him, but the truth is, sometimes I have serious doubt.  Not that I doubt that God is all mighty, and can do all things, its just I believe he will and can do that in others lives, but not mine.  Why? You ask, well I don't know.  I guess I sometimes struggle with the enemy telling me constantly "If God wanted you to have this, He would do it, but since He hasn't, He doesn't."  Now I understand how silly that sounds.  I am always telling people "lets pray about it", "lets let God guide us", and you know what?  I completely believe it for them, I completely believe that God will heal, guide, and fix their problems and am the first to stop and pray for that situation.  BUT for my life, I realized I don't believe it for myself.   I actually admitted to Travis the other day, that honestly I sometimes don't even pray for a baby anymore.  Geez that is ridiculous.  Man it's way easier to blog these things then actually say them, its like my fingers have no pride only humility and have no problems talking about my issues...gonna need to speak with them about that. 

So with that identified, I have also identified a some other things that hold me in a constant stage of guilt.  I realize what I'm about to type is going to sound ridiculous, since well, I have an entire blog created for me to have a pity party about not having a baby.  However, having an infertility issue you constantly go on a roller coast with no harness and you never know if you are going up a hill or down, but you do know that you have to hold on dearly to stay alive.  Sometimes the downhill part makes me have these weird thoughts always on my mind. For instance, when I am doing something really fun, and have no responsibility to get home to, or worry about, I think "Man if had a kid, I wouldn't be doing this."  Or when we book our vacations, I think " Man its nice to just go where we want when we want."   I know that is nuts!  It's like I think these crazy selfish things, then want to just  kick myself in the face (not that, that is actually possible because I'm no where near flexible enough, but even if I was, I don't think that would even be possible...) because how can I feel these things, yet want this kid so bad.  Again an attack. The guilt hits.  I want to just cry and scream because I really don't know how to combat these things, I don't know how to move past these thoughts. I'm always asking, is this even normal?  Do you know how hard it is to want something so bad and then think, wow I'm glad I don't have that yet, it is the worst feeling in the world.  It's like guilt just over takes you in a way that you have no idea how to handle.  And then if you ever admitted these feelings out loud you just are a big hypocrite, which is also a terrible feeling, because who could take you serious when you cry monthly for not having a baby, then admit that sometimes you are relieved that you don't have one.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!?!    Then usually within minutes if I  see/hold/touch a baby, see a pregnant lady, see a ultra sound picture I get that gut wrenching feeling that I still don't have that.  I am convinced, once again, I'm crazy. 

Well, back to my reflection time, after writing journal entry after journal entry (be glad I don't blog all of those, lol) I point blank asked God if I was crazy.  Now, if I told you He said yes or no, you would really think I was a nut ball, but guess what He did tell me that I wasn't crazy!  He gave me scripture after scripture to stand on!  And I soon figured out, It's normal!  I am normal and just because I think these things doesn't mean that I'm a bad person/hypocrite/or selfish, nor do I want this child any less then I did before.  BUT here is the funny thing about God, when I feel like my faith is weakened and am not fully trusting He NEVER gives up on me! 

3 For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does.4 The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:3-5

So with this revelation, it seems that everything I pick up is talking about belief. The latest book I picked up is Beth Moore, "Praying Gods Word" after reading through the second chapter, I was like "OK I GET IT" I struggle with this strong hold. The enemy knows where to get me, and boy does he. Since I refuse to spend to much of my time rebuking the enemy instead of praising God I am going to blow up this strong hold like dynamite!  The trick to breaking this strong hold is stopping dwelling on the guilt of feeling this way, or having thoughts that I shouldn't have, but most of all stop thinking about what others think of me.  I can't help the way I feel, but I can help the way I react to it!

WARNING:  If I become extremely up beat in an annoying way, well I say that in the nicest way possible, but, deal with it!  I don't care what you think, Im beating this thought thing.

Proverbs 29:11...giving you something to look up!

Subtle Irony...I think

I have come to realize that sometimes when God wants to make a point He does it!  I have been really pumped up about a lot of changes in my life and really excited to see where life was heading, since it is clearly heading down a direction that I never saw coming and actually never even knew I wanted until it was right on top of me.

SO DRUM ROLL PLEASE!!!

BIG ANNOUNCEMENT AHEAD...NO, NOT A BABY ANNOUNCEMENT

YOU NERVOUS? 

OK SERIOUSLY HERE IT IS:

  I have been offered a full time position working at The Ark in a brand new department/area doing guest relations!  This whole idea kinda came out of no where, our awesome youth pastor (Thanks John, I owe it to you for getting me thinking) starting putting the idea in my head, to work under him in the youth department, and after my initial response of (just being honest) ummm heck no, I'm not cut out for a church job.  God quickly changed my heart and showed me little by  little that this was my calling and exactly where I needed to be...so I thought.  I was so pumped up for this position when I got an unexpected phone call asking if I would be interested in interviewing for a different position.  After, listening to the job description I said absolutely!

  Now those of you who know me, know I enjoy a plan and time to work things out and make sure things are perfect and I look the part and all is good.  So with this said, I was assuming that they would call me and we would set up an interview for the next day, or since this was Thursday, the next week.  Which gave me much comfort.  Then about 30 minutes later, my phone rang and I was thinking, oh wow that was fast but I can prepare tonight.  NOPE!  They asked me to come in that day!  I calmly accepted the 4pm time slot and hung up the phone, and not so calmly internally screamed!  Now what I should have done was, stop thank Him for the the awesome, amazing way He opened up doors for me.  But the unfortunate truth is, I nearly panicked and fell out of a heart attack.  This particular day, I was extremely tired and having one of those days when I just didn't really care what I looked like, so I hadn't washed my hair that day and to disguise the fact that I hadn't washed my hair the day before...OK OK, don't judge, I was working on 3 days, (let the record show, I never, ever, ever...only maybe every few months do that)  because of my decision that morning, I had half heartily tried to curly my 3 day dirty hair, because, my irrational thinking on this was, my hair is dirty and will hold more curl, right? WRONG.  By, the time I arrived at mt first office I quickly realized we were having a perfect Texas day, full of overcast skies, 100% humidity, and drizzle, and my hair looked like I rolled out of bed and just well, went with it.    Now about my clothes...well lets just say I forgot to go to the cleaners, and "made something up"...so this was not my best day.    After panic attacks and a text message exchange to my best friend Tiff,

I decided I couldn't do anything about it, prayed about it, and got real excited!  After arriving to the Church and interviewing I was more on fire then ever!  I couldn't wait to see where we were going with this. Little did I know that in about 18 hours, I would be offered the position and a soon to be full time employee of The Ark Church in Conroe, TX!

So how excited are you?  I am pumped!!!!  I start February 13th and it can't get here quick enough!

  Now with all these crazy life changing doors opening up, I really believed God was opening up more doors then just this one, and I believed that this was all happening and God had a divine plan and I would find out I was pregnant within the next few days of all of this!  However, that was not the case, God does have a divine plan, but not for today.  I quickly realized that, yet again, instead of praising God for this amazing thing He was doing, I was already moving on to the next thing.  Isn't this the hardest thing about the culture we live in, we are always just instantly gratified and even that isn't good enough?  WE, I sometimes feel that I can't seem to be pleased, I just move past one blessing to the next, and expect it, then stomp my feet when it doesn't happen.  Well yet again, when God wants to make a point He does it.  He has quickly shown me that I need to be still and wait.  WAIT?!  Ugh, I don't want to wait. I have tried explaining to God over and over that waiting really isn't my thing.  And He continues to prove to me, that it is. But after reading my Project 345 (www.project345.com) reading and the scriptures and books I have been reading I was reminded just this morning the story or Sarah and Abraham:

10 Then the Lord said, “I will surely return to you about this time next year, and Sarah your wife will have a son.”
Now Sarah was listening at the entrance to the tent, which was behind him.11 Abraham and Sarah were already old and well advanced in years, and Sarah was past the age of childbearing.
12 So Sarah laughed to herself as she thought, “After I am worn out and my master is old, will I now have this pleasure?”13 Then the Lord said to Abraham, “Why did Sarah laugh and say, ‘Will I really have a child, now that I am old?’
1415 Sarah was afraid, so she lied and said, “I did not laugh.”
But he said, “Yes, you did laugh.”   Genesis 18:10-15

When I read this, I was kinda taken aback and smacked in the face, so to say that, I don't want to be caught laughing at God!  However, I feel that I have outwardly acted as though I believed it would happen, but inwardly I was wrestling with the belief that it would happen.  This internal struggle has really kept me down, and I am taking a stand a admitting the stronghold that has been on me and taking a stand to break free!  In the last few days, which have been a little hard on me, I have been shown over and over that nothing is to hard for God!  I just need to be still and wait! 

Because I am in Christ, the Greater One lives in me.  He is greater then the devil.  Greater than the disease.  Greater than the circumstance.  And He lives in me!  -Kenneth E. Hagin





My brain has left the building...

Well again, I write with another huge gap in between post.  However this one was because I was extremely busy with well extremely busy things, but mostly because I had ridiculous technical difficulties...all this time I had thought that my computer was broken because it wouldn't connect to the internet.  Sadly after actually not getting frustrated and putting the computer down, and actually trying to diagnose the problem, I discovered that (I'm embarrassed to admit) all this time, the simple fix was that the wireless switch was turned off...does this really shock anyone?  I mean seriously, why is that switch even necessary?  Don't we all function around the internet, who actually wants to turn this option off?  (If there is an actual reason for it, please do not tell me, I feel better thinking that this is pointless switch that many people could have made this mistake)

So any who, last time we spoke, er...typed, er...you read, we, well really I was headed back to the doctor to check on my levels of estrogen, because they were extremely high.  Well with my entire cycle being so strange, In between my doctors appointments, I just decided to take an ovulation test and BAMM smiley face popped up.   Which I wont go into detail about, lol, but I'm fairly certain you can figure it out.  So you can imagine my confusion, at all of this, I was 2 weeks late, I make an appointment, get blood drawn, start an hour later, stop a day later, take an ovulation test and its positive, which shouldn't be positive because well what sense does that make?  You don't ovulate until 12 to 14 days after your cycle starts, BUT OF COURSE THAT'S NOT THE CASE WITH ME!  So I'm just about thinking that I'm a nut job, this can't be right.  I'm off on something, my brain has officially convinced my body its as crazy as my mind sometimes feels.  So then I'm left wondering, do I need a psychiatrist, or a fertility doctor. 

  After sleeping on it, I decided to to keep my appointment with the fertility doctor...but didn't rule out the psychiatry appointment, lol.  I arrived to the doctors appointment, paid my 30 dollars and then sat on the couch rehearsing what I needed to tell the doctor.  You would think with me being in a sales career, where I spoke with doctors all day, I would be a little more calm when speaking to them.  That's of course just what you would think...instead I go in there sit in the chair and vomit words all of him.  Im pretty sure that I threw 37 sentences on him with out breathing and he may have left the room to collect his thoughts, and/or my fear, to write me a referral to the nearest psychiatrist in the building.  But he didn't, he actually went out and got a nurse because they decided to do the ultra sound.  Which in fact showed that I had ovulated, normally, praise God!  So of course that just jumbled my brain up more then it already was, because on all accounts this wasn't normal, from a medical view, or even from all my in depth, and always factual internet searching, this wasn't possible.  So, I'm really glad I have an extremely nice doctor, because he just smiled and let me ask a billion questions while reassuring me that I was completely normal, (in the, your body just jacked up a little this month) kinda normal.  This of course was not supposed to happen, we were supposed to either have one of those miracle stories or go with another plan for us that God had lined up, which is also a miracle, just a little bit of different kind.  Instead, in true Nemec fashion, ok, ok, Kerr fashion, poor Travis just got drugged into the odd things that happen to me, we have to go back to drawing board with our plans and yet again wait them out.  Which has also left me with a lot more time to pray and actually get back into the word and realign myself with Gods will for my life. 

  During this hiatus from my blogging career, because I was so extremely busy,  time not knowing how to work my computer.  Travis and I have had some time to get out of our normal life and have the extreme honor and pleasure of attending our youth Retreat, with the jr high and high school kids of our church.  This next part I need to scream because it is so important IF YOU WANT TO BE EXTREMELY BLESSED AND SEE WHAT LIFE IS ABOUT AND FEEL THE POWER OF CHRIST, GET INVOLVED WITH YOUR CHURCH YOUTH GROUP!!!  We went into it extremely nervous and came out as to extremely different people, while we went there for nothing but the kids, God blessed us in more ways then you can ever imagine.  Honestly my life is changed forever, for the better and I am just in awe of our kids, of our church and most importantly of our Lord and Savior.  But with this extreme change also came with a change of plans.  I couldn't help but feel like God was speaking into my heart to wait on Him.  I have argued with Him a bit on this, because I can be a bit stubborn, and after all, I say again, I like getting my way.  After making it clear to me that I need more of Him and less of me,  He must increase, but I must decrease John 3:30. . He showed me that he is 100% in control of my life! He has changed my heart but also has some pretty extreme changes that he was waiting on me to take the first step towards, this being one of the major ones. I can't speak of them all just yet but I can say they are super exciting! You will be shocked, I most certainly was! It's funny how quickly God can pull on your reign and show you just how much He is in control. It kinda makes you feel unworthy that there are so many things that He does for you, no one else but you!

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20

I can't imagine waiting longer then we already have, and I continually pray and secretly hope that God will change his mind and give me peace about this, but right now I just don't have it.  And if I have learned anything, I have learned that if God is involved there will be peace.  If He is not, there will be turmoil.  This is a hard decision, but what sort of follower am I if I decided to put my selfish desires before His plans for me.  So, there it is folks!  Please continue to pray for us, we are in good spirits and oddly enough extremely happy in this decision!  I will continue to wait in expectation to be a mother, just not exactly expecting, YET! 

And we all fall down...

So I left you the last time 8 days late with 3 negative pregnancy test.  And I wish I could come back and say Yay!  I'm pregnant, but well I'm not.  I finally made an appointment with the fertility doctor, and in true form to the way my life goes it was just a hot mess.. 

  I called the doctor yesterday to ask them about what they heck is going on.  So they threw a few random things that could be causing this, and in the end I had no idea what they were talking about and said "uh-huh" "uh-huh" "Yes I will come in and give some blood tomorrow"  So I make my little appointment and prepare to try and sleep through the night.  This morning I woke up and just couldn't help myself, so I took another test, with that small glimmer of hope that I would be able to call them and say "Hold the phones!  Cancel this appointment and lets turn it into an I'm pregnant appointment", but I got a big fat Not Pregnant (now I could have dreamed this, but I'm pretty sure the test was laughing at me, like straight up taunting me, I got it back though, I threw that stupid thing right in the trash).    So I shook it off and went to the doctor for my appointment. 

SIDE NOTE:  On the way to the doctors office I was listening to the radio and they were talking about how twin births are on the rise.  5 years ago 1 in 50 women had twins, and now it is 1 in 25 of them, now I'm not great at math, but I know enough to know that, that number has been cut in half.  So then they further say it is due to higher use of fertility treatments these days. I didn't think much about that until I got in the office and sat in the waiting room with 7 other women...1 in 25, and I'm there with 7, that means our odds are pretty good... NOT FREAKING OUT, NOT FREAKING OUT.

  Anyways, I got to the doctor, paid my $30 copay, barely sat down in the waiting room, they called me back, took me to the blood drawing station, drew some blood and sent me on my way.  It literally took them less them 5 minutes for this "appointment"  I stressed about this for, well this. LOVE HEALTHCARE!  Then I leave the office, and I actually hate to admit that I still had a small glimmer of hope that the blood results would come out with some crazy results, if you know what I mean (of course you know what I mean, that's what this whole thing is about, duh!).  So anyways, about an hour and a liter water later, I will let figure out where I went.  I went in not really thinking about anything, came out with proof that I'm not pregnant.  Now my first thought was probably not what you think it was, I actually thought dang why did I spend $30 dollars an hour ago,  yup terrible.  Then I thought, well dang.  DANG!  SHOOT!  CRAP!  If there was something I could have kicked I may have, ok I wasn't really so mad I could kick something, just kinda like, well dang.   I could have let it ruin my day (which it did) but not in the emotional wreck kinda way, more in the I'm afraid my ovaries may fall out while walking kinda way.  As much as it just all seems so unfair, I decided to just go on and live out the Glory of God, because as I have said so many times, it will be all worth it, and Gods plan is so much better then mine.  So I made it through the work day and then when I got home my brain started going into overdrive...which means I wanted to cry, but I didn't!!  Its the little victories, right! 

In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.  Psalm 4:8

My doctor called me this evening to give me the results of my blood test to show why it took me so long to start, and apparently my estrogen levels were extremely high.  You may be asking, well what does this mean, which would be an extremely good question.  Except they couldn't tell me, ggrrr.  I have to go back on Monday to do more blood work, then hopefully we will know where to go from there. 

While this is the most frustrating thing ever in the whole world, I still hold strong to the fact that there will be an awesome testimony from all of this.  I already feel overwhelmed by the awesome emails and comments I have gotten from this blog, its amazing how when you open up and just be honest, people start to open up.  I hope that if I can help one person from feeling the way I felt for so long about being embarrassed, and ashamed of something that so many women go through, it will all be worth it.

I remember 2011 like it was yesterday.

                                  HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!  WAHOO, YAY!

I write this hoping everyone had a wonderful New Years and Christmas!  I know I had a great one, with some awesome friends!  After doing what I do, and cooking for only about 8 hours on Saturday and a few on Friday I made way to much food and stressed way more then I needed to, but all it all it was a GREAT way to start 2012.

I go into 2012 with a lot on my mind, and in my quest of honesty, and giving way to much information here ya go. 

WARNING: THIS COULD WILL CONTAIN RAMBLING (not that this is different from the rest of the blogs, but since my mind is going non-stop it may be more excessive then normal) 

  Well I start this year a week late (yup, the kinda late that you are thinking) and with a couple negative pregnancy test under my belt.  I'm not near as upset as normal,  actually the truth is, I had a very brief confusing "am I gonna cry or is something in my eye" moment, its actually kind of a strange phenomenon, I'm not bawling, or eating chocolate or even really feeling sorry for myself.  Yup, new beginnings for me, lol.  I prayed before I took the test(s), which was huge in itself because I have said before I DO NOT take test. I just don't, way to traumatic. Anyway, I asked for a change my heart to be happy with the results, because I want to completely submerge myself in Gods will for my life, and if its not to be pregnant right now, then so be it. So, so be it, now we just wait.  Which, believe me, is not easy. 

Its kinda fitting that we would have something like this happen the month before we start fertility, its not like I have an exactly "normal" life, haha.  We all know things happen to me that just don't happen to most people, I don't like to think of them as bad, just minor little test to keep me humble and in continual laughter.  So, anyways (see I told you I would ramble) its kinda fitting, because when we first started this fertility journey and got brave enough to share with people, we like most everything else in life, got everyone mothers, brother, and 5th cousins opinion or story.  Now I'm not complaining about that because people truly want to make you feel better, except the bad ones who didn't agree with our plan (to which I simply would reply "when you have prayed about my story and the Holy Spirit directly speaks to you and tells you to tell me not to do it, then I would like to know, but until then, this is my journey, thank you though"), but what was even more hard to hear and I kinda had to shove out of my mind was, the story that everyone had, oh my friend/cousin/sister/aunt was going to do fertility and then when they stopped thinking about it, they got pregnant right before they started. 

I'm going to say something, that I hope no one takes offense to, but when you find out a friend is trying to get pregnant and having some issues, please what ever you do, do not say "Just stop thinking about it, it will happen"  I know that no one means harm when they say that, but here is the simple truth:  THERE IS NO POSSIBLE WAY TO STOP THINKING ABOUT IT!  It is probably the only thing you can think about, its always in your mind, it never leaves, and its always around you reminding you.  And, again in the quest of honesty, when you have been trying for yearS, you cant even be intimate with your husband without making it a job and its all you think about (don't worry, my husband knows this and feels the same way, its just the harsh truth).  

As for everyone telling us, they got pregnant right before the treatments, while encouraging, kinda puts a lot of pressure on you.  I decided we couldn't think that wouldn't happen for us, because while that would be awesome, the reality is, its not in every ones cards.  So, with that said and I sit here 8 days late, with a negative test,  can you see what a pickle I'm in, lol.  Here I had planned to call the doctor the day I started, and the ball would begin rolling (or dropping, since we are going with the new years theme), but now what?  I'm never late, now I am, and I'm not pregnant.  Oh well!  I plan on being joyful no matter what!
Well, all I can do is look forward to the future, and count my blessings in 2011!  Who knows what my future holds, but I know that it will be full of joy, and in my 2012 I will want to live my life in Christ will for me and my goal is to not miss an opportunity He has given to me! 

Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own.  But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.  Let those of us who are mature think this way and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. Philippians 3: 13-15