Subtle Irony...I think

I have come to realize that sometimes when God wants to make a point He does it!  I have been really pumped up about a lot of changes in my life and really excited to see where life was heading, since it is clearly heading down a direction that I never saw coming and actually never even knew I wanted until it was right on top of me.

SO DRUM ROLL PLEASE!!!

BIG ANNOUNCEMENT AHEAD...NO, NOT A BABY ANNOUNCEMENT

YOU NERVOUS? 

OK SERIOUSLY HERE IT IS:

  I have been offered a full time position working at The Ark in a brand new department/area doing guest relations!  This whole idea kinda came out of no where, our awesome youth pastor (Thanks John, I owe it to you for getting me thinking) starting putting the idea in my head, to work under him in the youth department, and after my initial response of (just being honest) ummm heck no, I'm not cut out for a church job.  God quickly changed my heart and showed me little by  little that this was my calling and exactly where I needed to be...so I thought.  I was so pumped up for this position when I got an unexpected phone call asking if I would be interested in interviewing for a different position.  After, listening to the job description I said absolutely!

  Now those of you who know me, know I enjoy a plan and time to work things out and make sure things are perfect and I look the part and all is good.  So with this said, I was assuming that they would call me and we would set up an interview for the next day, or since this was Thursday, the next week.  Which gave me much comfort.  Then about 30 minutes later, my phone rang and I was thinking, oh wow that was fast but I can prepare tonight.  NOPE!  They asked me to come in that day!  I calmly accepted the 4pm time slot and hung up the phone, and not so calmly internally screamed!  Now what I should have done was, stop thank Him for the the awesome, amazing way He opened up doors for me.  But the unfortunate truth is, I nearly panicked and fell out of a heart attack.  This particular day, I was extremely tired and having one of those days when I just didn't really care what I looked like, so I hadn't washed my hair that day and to disguise the fact that I hadn't washed my hair the day before...OK OK, don't judge, I was working on 3 days, (let the record show, I never, ever, ever...only maybe every few months do that)  because of my decision that morning, I had half heartily tried to curly my 3 day dirty hair, because, my irrational thinking on this was, my hair is dirty and will hold more curl, right? WRONG.  By, the time I arrived at mt first office I quickly realized we were having a perfect Texas day, full of overcast skies, 100% humidity, and drizzle, and my hair looked like I rolled out of bed and just well, went with it.    Now about my clothes...well lets just say I forgot to go to the cleaners, and "made something up"...so this was not my best day.    After panic attacks and a text message exchange to my best friend Tiff,

I decided I couldn't do anything about it, prayed about it, and got real excited!  After arriving to the Church and interviewing I was more on fire then ever!  I couldn't wait to see where we were going with this. Little did I know that in about 18 hours, I would be offered the position and a soon to be full time employee of The Ark Church in Conroe, TX!

So how excited are you?  I am pumped!!!!  I start February 13th and it can't get here quick enough!

  Now with all these crazy life changing doors opening up, I really believed God was opening up more doors then just this one, and I believed that this was all happening and God had a divine plan and I would find out I was pregnant within the next few days of all of this!  However, that was not the case, God does have a divine plan, but not for today.  I quickly realized that, yet again, instead of praising God for this amazing thing He was doing, I was already moving on to the next thing.  Isn't this the hardest thing about the culture we live in, we are always just instantly gratified and even that isn't good enough?  WE, I sometimes feel that I can't seem to be pleased, I just move past one blessing to the next, and expect it, then stomp my feet when it doesn't happen.  Well yet again, when God wants to make a point He does it.  He has quickly shown me that I need to be still and wait.  WAIT?!  Ugh, I don't want to wait. I have tried explaining to God over and over that waiting really isn't my thing.  And He continues to prove to me, that it is. But after reading my Project 345 (www.project345.com) reading and the scriptures and books I have been reading I was reminded just this morning the story or Sarah and Abraham:

10 Then the Lord said, “I will surely return to you about this time next year, and Sarah your wife will have a son.”
Now Sarah was listening at the entrance to the tent, which was behind him.11 Abraham and Sarah were already old and well advanced in years, and Sarah was past the age of childbearing.
12 So Sarah laughed to herself as she thought, “After I am worn out and my master is old, will I now have this pleasure?”13 Then the Lord said to Abraham, “Why did Sarah laugh and say, ‘Will I really have a child, now that I am old?’
1415 Sarah was afraid, so she lied and said, “I did not laugh.”
But he said, “Yes, you did laugh.”   Genesis 18:10-15

When I read this, I was kinda taken aback and smacked in the face, so to say that, I don't want to be caught laughing at God!  However, I feel that I have outwardly acted as though I believed it would happen, but inwardly I was wrestling with the belief that it would happen.  This internal struggle has really kept me down, and I am taking a stand a admitting the stronghold that has been on me and taking a stand to break free!  In the last few days, which have been a little hard on me, I have been shown over and over that nothing is to hard for God!  I just need to be still and wait! 

Because I am in Christ, the Greater One lives in me.  He is greater then the devil.  Greater than the disease.  Greater than the circumstance.  And He lives in me!  -Kenneth E. Hagin





My brain has left the building...

Well again, I write with another huge gap in between post.  However this one was because I was extremely busy with well extremely busy things, but mostly because I had ridiculous technical difficulties...all this time I had thought that my computer was broken because it wouldn't connect to the internet.  Sadly after actually not getting frustrated and putting the computer down, and actually trying to diagnose the problem, I discovered that (I'm embarrassed to admit) all this time, the simple fix was that the wireless switch was turned off...does this really shock anyone?  I mean seriously, why is that switch even necessary?  Don't we all function around the internet, who actually wants to turn this option off?  (If there is an actual reason for it, please do not tell me, I feel better thinking that this is pointless switch that many people could have made this mistake)

So any who, last time we spoke, er...typed, er...you read, we, well really I was headed back to the doctor to check on my levels of estrogen, because they were extremely high.  Well with my entire cycle being so strange, In between my doctors appointments, I just decided to take an ovulation test and BAMM smiley face popped up.   Which I wont go into detail about, lol, but I'm fairly certain you can figure it out.  So you can imagine my confusion, at all of this, I was 2 weeks late, I make an appointment, get blood drawn, start an hour later, stop a day later, take an ovulation test and its positive, which shouldn't be positive because well what sense does that make?  You don't ovulate until 12 to 14 days after your cycle starts, BUT OF COURSE THAT'S NOT THE CASE WITH ME!  So I'm just about thinking that I'm a nut job, this can't be right.  I'm off on something, my brain has officially convinced my body its as crazy as my mind sometimes feels.  So then I'm left wondering, do I need a psychiatrist, or a fertility doctor. 

  After sleeping on it, I decided to to keep my appointment with the fertility doctor...but didn't rule out the psychiatry appointment, lol.  I arrived to the doctors appointment, paid my 30 dollars and then sat on the couch rehearsing what I needed to tell the doctor.  You would think with me being in a sales career, where I spoke with doctors all day, I would be a little more calm when speaking to them.  That's of course just what you would think...instead I go in there sit in the chair and vomit words all of him.  Im pretty sure that I threw 37 sentences on him with out breathing and he may have left the room to collect his thoughts, and/or my fear, to write me a referral to the nearest psychiatrist in the building.  But he didn't, he actually went out and got a nurse because they decided to do the ultra sound.  Which in fact showed that I had ovulated, normally, praise God!  So of course that just jumbled my brain up more then it already was, because on all accounts this wasn't normal, from a medical view, or even from all my in depth, and always factual internet searching, this wasn't possible.  So, I'm really glad I have an extremely nice doctor, because he just smiled and let me ask a billion questions while reassuring me that I was completely normal, (in the, your body just jacked up a little this month) kinda normal.  This of course was not supposed to happen, we were supposed to either have one of those miracle stories or go with another plan for us that God had lined up, which is also a miracle, just a little bit of different kind.  Instead, in true Nemec fashion, ok, ok, Kerr fashion, poor Travis just got drugged into the odd things that happen to me, we have to go back to drawing board with our plans and yet again wait them out.  Which has also left me with a lot more time to pray and actually get back into the word and realign myself with Gods will for my life. 

  During this hiatus from my blogging career, because I was so extremely busy,  time not knowing how to work my computer.  Travis and I have had some time to get out of our normal life and have the extreme honor and pleasure of attending our youth Retreat, with the jr high and high school kids of our church.  This next part I need to scream because it is so important IF YOU WANT TO BE EXTREMELY BLESSED AND SEE WHAT LIFE IS ABOUT AND FEEL THE POWER OF CHRIST, GET INVOLVED WITH YOUR CHURCH YOUTH GROUP!!!  We went into it extremely nervous and came out as to extremely different people, while we went there for nothing but the kids, God blessed us in more ways then you can ever imagine.  Honestly my life is changed forever, for the better and I am just in awe of our kids, of our church and most importantly of our Lord and Savior.  But with this extreme change also came with a change of plans.  I couldn't help but feel like God was speaking into my heart to wait on Him.  I have argued with Him a bit on this, because I can be a bit stubborn, and after all, I say again, I like getting my way.  After making it clear to me that I need more of Him and less of me,  He must increase, but I must decrease John 3:30. . He showed me that he is 100% in control of my life! He has changed my heart but also has some pretty extreme changes that he was waiting on me to take the first step towards, this being one of the major ones. I can't speak of them all just yet but I can say they are super exciting! You will be shocked, I most certainly was! It's funny how quickly God can pull on your reign and show you just how much He is in control. It kinda makes you feel unworthy that there are so many things that He does for you, no one else but you!

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20

I can't imagine waiting longer then we already have, and I continually pray and secretly hope that God will change his mind and give me peace about this, but right now I just don't have it.  And if I have learned anything, I have learned that if God is involved there will be peace.  If He is not, there will be turmoil.  This is a hard decision, but what sort of follower am I if I decided to put my selfish desires before His plans for me.  So, there it is folks!  Please continue to pray for us, we are in good spirits and oddly enough extremely happy in this decision!  I will continue to wait in expectation to be a mother, just not exactly expecting, YET! 

And we all fall down...

So I left you the last time 8 days late with 3 negative pregnancy test.  And I wish I could come back and say Yay!  I'm pregnant, but well I'm not.  I finally made an appointment with the fertility doctor, and in true form to the way my life goes it was just a hot mess.. 

  I called the doctor yesterday to ask them about what they heck is going on.  So they threw a few random things that could be causing this, and in the end I had no idea what they were talking about and said "uh-huh" "uh-huh" "Yes I will come in and give some blood tomorrow"  So I make my little appointment and prepare to try and sleep through the night.  This morning I woke up and just couldn't help myself, so I took another test, with that small glimmer of hope that I would be able to call them and say "Hold the phones!  Cancel this appointment and lets turn it into an I'm pregnant appointment", but I got a big fat Not Pregnant (now I could have dreamed this, but I'm pretty sure the test was laughing at me, like straight up taunting me, I got it back though, I threw that stupid thing right in the trash).    So I shook it off and went to the doctor for my appointment. 

SIDE NOTE:  On the way to the doctors office I was listening to the radio and they were talking about how twin births are on the rise.  5 years ago 1 in 50 women had twins, and now it is 1 in 25 of them, now I'm not great at math, but I know enough to know that, that number has been cut in half.  So then they further say it is due to higher use of fertility treatments these days. I didn't think much about that until I got in the office and sat in the waiting room with 7 other women...1 in 25, and I'm there with 7, that means our odds are pretty good... NOT FREAKING OUT, NOT FREAKING OUT.

  Anyways, I got to the doctor, paid my $30 copay, barely sat down in the waiting room, they called me back, took me to the blood drawing station, drew some blood and sent me on my way.  It literally took them less them 5 minutes for this "appointment"  I stressed about this for, well this. LOVE HEALTHCARE!  Then I leave the office, and I actually hate to admit that I still had a small glimmer of hope that the blood results would come out with some crazy results, if you know what I mean (of course you know what I mean, that's what this whole thing is about, duh!).  So anyways, about an hour and a liter water later, I will let figure out where I went.  I went in not really thinking about anything, came out with proof that I'm not pregnant.  Now my first thought was probably not what you think it was, I actually thought dang why did I spend $30 dollars an hour ago,  yup terrible.  Then I thought, well dang.  DANG!  SHOOT!  CRAP!  If there was something I could have kicked I may have, ok I wasn't really so mad I could kick something, just kinda like, well dang.   I could have let it ruin my day (which it did) but not in the emotional wreck kinda way, more in the I'm afraid my ovaries may fall out while walking kinda way.  As much as it just all seems so unfair, I decided to just go on and live out the Glory of God, because as I have said so many times, it will be all worth it, and Gods plan is so much better then mine.  So I made it through the work day and then when I got home my brain started going into overdrive...which means I wanted to cry, but I didn't!!  Its the little victories, right! 

In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.  Psalm 4:8

My doctor called me this evening to give me the results of my blood test to show why it took me so long to start, and apparently my estrogen levels were extremely high.  You may be asking, well what does this mean, which would be an extremely good question.  Except they couldn't tell me, ggrrr.  I have to go back on Monday to do more blood work, then hopefully we will know where to go from there. 

While this is the most frustrating thing ever in the whole world, I still hold strong to the fact that there will be an awesome testimony from all of this.  I already feel overwhelmed by the awesome emails and comments I have gotten from this blog, its amazing how when you open up and just be honest, people start to open up.  I hope that if I can help one person from feeling the way I felt for so long about being embarrassed, and ashamed of something that so many women go through, it will all be worth it.

I remember 2011 like it was yesterday.

                                  HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!  WAHOO, YAY!

I write this hoping everyone had a wonderful New Years and Christmas!  I know I had a great one, with some awesome friends!  After doing what I do, and cooking for only about 8 hours on Saturday and a few on Friday I made way to much food and stressed way more then I needed to, but all it all it was a GREAT way to start 2012.

I go into 2012 with a lot on my mind, and in my quest of honesty, and giving way to much information here ya go. 

WARNING: THIS COULD WILL CONTAIN RAMBLING (not that this is different from the rest of the blogs, but since my mind is going non-stop it may be more excessive then normal) 

  Well I start this year a week late (yup, the kinda late that you are thinking) and with a couple negative pregnancy test under my belt.  I'm not near as upset as normal,  actually the truth is, I had a very brief confusing "am I gonna cry or is something in my eye" moment, its actually kind of a strange phenomenon, I'm not bawling, or eating chocolate or even really feeling sorry for myself.  Yup, new beginnings for me, lol.  I prayed before I took the test(s), which was huge in itself because I have said before I DO NOT take test. I just don't, way to traumatic. Anyway, I asked for a change my heart to be happy with the results, because I want to completely submerge myself in Gods will for my life, and if its not to be pregnant right now, then so be it. So, so be it, now we just wait.  Which, believe me, is not easy. 

Its kinda fitting that we would have something like this happen the month before we start fertility, its not like I have an exactly "normal" life, haha.  We all know things happen to me that just don't happen to most people, I don't like to think of them as bad, just minor little test to keep me humble and in continual laughter.  So, anyways (see I told you I would ramble) its kinda fitting, because when we first started this fertility journey and got brave enough to share with people, we like most everything else in life, got everyone mothers, brother, and 5th cousins opinion or story.  Now I'm not complaining about that because people truly want to make you feel better, except the bad ones who didn't agree with our plan (to which I simply would reply "when you have prayed about my story and the Holy Spirit directly speaks to you and tells you to tell me not to do it, then I would like to know, but until then, this is my journey, thank you though"), but what was even more hard to hear and I kinda had to shove out of my mind was, the story that everyone had, oh my friend/cousin/sister/aunt was going to do fertility and then when they stopped thinking about it, they got pregnant right before they started. 

I'm going to say something, that I hope no one takes offense to, but when you find out a friend is trying to get pregnant and having some issues, please what ever you do, do not say "Just stop thinking about it, it will happen"  I know that no one means harm when they say that, but here is the simple truth:  THERE IS NO POSSIBLE WAY TO STOP THINKING ABOUT IT!  It is probably the only thing you can think about, its always in your mind, it never leaves, and its always around you reminding you.  And, again in the quest of honesty, when you have been trying for yearS, you cant even be intimate with your husband without making it a job and its all you think about (don't worry, my husband knows this and feels the same way, its just the harsh truth).  

As for everyone telling us, they got pregnant right before the treatments, while encouraging, kinda puts a lot of pressure on you.  I decided we couldn't think that wouldn't happen for us, because while that would be awesome, the reality is, its not in every ones cards.  So, with that said and I sit here 8 days late, with a negative test,  can you see what a pickle I'm in, lol.  Here I had planned to call the doctor the day I started, and the ball would begin rolling (or dropping, since we are going with the new years theme), but now what?  I'm never late, now I am, and I'm not pregnant.  Oh well!  I plan on being joyful no matter what!
Well, all I can do is look forward to the future, and count my blessings in 2011!  Who knows what my future holds, but I know that it will be full of joy, and in my 2012 I will want to live my life in Christ will for me and my goal is to not miss an opportunity He has given to me! 

Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own.  But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.  Let those of us who are mature think this way and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. Philippians 3: 13-15