I remember 2011 like it was yesterday.

                                  HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!  WAHOO, YAY!

I write this hoping everyone had a wonderful New Years and Christmas!  I know I had a great one, with some awesome friends!  After doing what I do, and cooking for only about 8 hours on Saturday and a few on Friday I made way to much food and stressed way more then I needed to, but all it all it was a GREAT way to start 2012.

I go into 2012 with a lot on my mind, and in my quest of honesty, and giving way to much information here ya go. 

WARNING: THIS COULD WILL CONTAIN RAMBLING (not that this is different from the rest of the blogs, but since my mind is going non-stop it may be more excessive then normal) 

  Well I start this year a week late (yup, the kinda late that you are thinking) and with a couple negative pregnancy test under my belt.  I'm not near as upset as normal,  actually the truth is, I had a very brief confusing "am I gonna cry or is something in my eye" moment, its actually kind of a strange phenomenon, I'm not bawling, or eating chocolate or even really feeling sorry for myself.  Yup, new beginnings for me, lol.  I prayed before I took the test(s), which was huge in itself because I have said before I DO NOT take test. I just don't, way to traumatic. Anyway, I asked for a change my heart to be happy with the results, because I want to completely submerge myself in Gods will for my life, and if its not to be pregnant right now, then so be it. So, so be it, now we just wait.  Which, believe me, is not easy. 

Its kinda fitting that we would have something like this happen the month before we start fertility, its not like I have an exactly "normal" life, haha.  We all know things happen to me that just don't happen to most people, I don't like to think of them as bad, just minor little test to keep me humble and in continual laughter.  So, anyways (see I told you I would ramble) its kinda fitting, because when we first started this fertility journey and got brave enough to share with people, we like most everything else in life, got everyone mothers, brother, and 5th cousins opinion or story.  Now I'm not complaining about that because people truly want to make you feel better, except the bad ones who didn't agree with our plan (to which I simply would reply "when you have prayed about my story and the Holy Spirit directly speaks to you and tells you to tell me not to do it, then I would like to know, but until then, this is my journey, thank you though"), but what was even more hard to hear and I kinda had to shove out of my mind was, the story that everyone had, oh my friend/cousin/sister/aunt was going to do fertility and then when they stopped thinking about it, they got pregnant right before they started. 

I'm going to say something, that I hope no one takes offense to, but when you find out a friend is trying to get pregnant and having some issues, please what ever you do, do not say "Just stop thinking about it, it will happen"  I know that no one means harm when they say that, but here is the simple truth:  THERE IS NO POSSIBLE WAY TO STOP THINKING ABOUT IT!  It is probably the only thing you can think about, its always in your mind, it never leaves, and its always around you reminding you.  And, again in the quest of honesty, when you have been trying for yearS, you cant even be intimate with your husband without making it a job and its all you think about (don't worry, my husband knows this and feels the same way, its just the harsh truth).  

As for everyone telling us, they got pregnant right before the treatments, while encouraging, kinda puts a lot of pressure on you.  I decided we couldn't think that wouldn't happen for us, because while that would be awesome, the reality is, its not in every ones cards.  So, with that said and I sit here 8 days late, with a negative test,  can you see what a pickle I'm in, lol.  Here I had planned to call the doctor the day I started, and the ball would begin rolling (or dropping, since we are going with the new years theme), but now what?  I'm never late, now I am, and I'm not pregnant.  Oh well!  I plan on being joyful no matter what!
Well, all I can do is look forward to the future, and count my blessings in 2011!  Who knows what my future holds, but I know that it will be full of joy, and in my 2012 I will want to live my life in Christ will for me and my goal is to not miss an opportunity He has given to me! 

Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own.  But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.  Let those of us who are mature think this way and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. Philippians 3: 13-15