I don't know if you have noticed, and I don't mean to brag, but well, I am EXTREMELY talented at taking huge breaks in blogging. It isn't that I don't have things to say, because if you know me, or if you don't, you probably know or have figured that there have been maybe 3 (and that is being generous) times in my life that I have not had anything to say about any subject. Which actually brings me to the topic of this blog.
I have had a pretty eventful couple of weeks, I started my new job, IT IS AWESOME! I ran a 10K race, fastest time I have ever had! My best friend Tiff and I went to a women's retreat, God is good! And I think we had every single person we have ever come into contact with over for dinner, which I'm a hostess at heart and love it. Even though none of those things have anything even remotely in common, oddly enough have all had one theme that has been brought up in some form or another in them all, and that is watch your words.
I know you're thinking, DUH, watch your words, I learned that when I was 3. BUT did you? OK maybe you did, but I realized I haven't, I haven't at all. I have talked about it, I have thought about it, I have read about it, my mama told me to do it, but I certainly ain't doin' it. Literally in the last 3 weeks, I have been reminded in every single daily activity I have done. You ever get that throw your hands up in the air and scream "I get it" feeling? Well I did and I finally gave in and decided to try it. Do you know how hard it is, to speak good things and not bad, to be deliberately thankful, and to want to say something nice sometimes? Of course, this is probably something that comes naturally to you, and you are reading this thinking I'm a negative Nancy and need to get over myself. But humor me and keep reading. Sometimes for me I think that it is just plain ole easier to look at the situation and just be in it, not really happy or sad but just be in it. It's hard work to be thankful in situations that you aren't to thrilled about...AND here is the kicker, actually mean it. Its hard for me to want to be thankful to God when my plan doesn't match His. Its hard to change my thinking to praise God for his timing that is more perfect then mine. After all why do I want to be thankful when I'm not getting my way? Well, I don't. That's exactly why God has put it in my face every step I take. I have had to be honest with myself, real honest, and in those un-thankful moments, stop myself dead in my tracks and reverse my thinking, I promise this is harder then it sounds, because it comes more natural to us to be negative and focus on the sickness, the house repair, the broken hair straightener (OK this happened, and let me tell you sister, its hard for the entire world to not focus on the fact that my hair straightener was broken, cause IT AIN'T PRETTY) instead of stopping and saying Thank you God, you have given me a healthy body to fight this, a home to live in that I am able to repair, and you have put hair on my head (even though, my hair isn't what I see in the Pantene commercials).
So, I resolve to be thankful in the small things, and be happy that every day I wake up, is one more day that I have life in this crazy world!
You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy. that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever. Psalm 30:11-12
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Friday, February 10, 2012
The cheese to my macaroni
So with the ever annoying Valentines approaching, and with the new series "Lasting Love" we are doing with our youth group at church, it really got me thinking (yea that can be scary)! I realized that I have written this blog from the middle of our struggle with our infertility and never really explained any back story about Travis and I. So, choose now if you would like to continue reading, because this could hit the top of the cheese ball scale!
*CHEESE-O-METER STARTS NOW!* So, since I plan on one day printing this blog into a little book (like totally one from fed-ex or something, don't go thinking I think I'm cool enough to actually print a book)to one day give my kids...I know that seems odd, but I think it would be cool for them to see how they were actually loved so much before they even were...or is that really too weird,be honest, no wait don't. GEEZ KAYLA BACK ON TRACK!
ANYWAYS, I have decided to start this from the beginning. Now from the top (deep breath in) Travis and I don't have one of those sweet stories that I so often hear of how they met their significant other. We have a unique story. We actually went to school together, by school I mean elementary to high school. But me being the super popular and awesome at everything I touched, kid I was way cooler then him and we were not friends (this is true, do not listen if he tells you otherwise..have I ever lied to you). It wasn't that we didn't know each other we were just not friends, nor did we even probably speak 2 whole sentences to each other. It is possible it was because we looked like this:
(Apparently we didn't get the memo, that said just because we were being photographed by the same photographer we didn't need to look just alike...embarrassing) And yes, we still want to reproduce, knowing this could be the outcome.
So any who, we were a grade apart (he was older, I'm not a cradle robber) and we both graduated (though you can't always tell with my grammar mistakes), we went on our happy lives never thinking of the other ever again. Until 8 years later, around the time I lived in Austin and he lived in Houston. Y'all remember myspace? Of course you do, its not like we are 10 years in the future. Well one day, I got a random message from Travis saying that he thought something I said was funny, I remember thinking, "whoa, that's a blast from the past", stalked his pictures (again with the honesty thing...stop judging you so do that too), and went on about my day never thinking a thing about it. Randomly, about 3 weeks later we ended up meeting at abirthday party, ugh, we met at a bar, OK, geez stop pressuring me, we met a birthday party at a bar. (My entire life I said "I would NEVER EVER, marry someone I met at a bar *moral of the story, never say never*)
After we met we had a long distance relationship, all of which we talked about marriage, like I'm not kidding we met in November and talked about getting married in January not actually getting married, just we knew we would get married...you probably knew that...I say when you know, you know, and we knew! Since we had both come out of relationships, that were, well obviously not meant to be, we decided that the smart thing to do was to wait a year, then make a commitment to each other before we picked up one of our lives and moved it to a different town. So after digging in and stinking to our guns a few months of dating, I came home one weekend and went back to Austin with a ring on my finger!! (that is also a good story)
I remember thinking that we were going to live happily ever after, in our house with a picket fence and 3 kids running around (2 boys and a girl of course), and I would bake apple pies all day. OK, OK, honestly I never thought any of that, except the kids part. I did, however, think we would have kids, and I did think we would live in this bubble where we were on a honey moon 24/7. (you can laugh at my ignorance now) I quickly learned that, with that ring on my finger I didn't get my fantasy of a husband that twirls me around the kitchen telling me how beautiful I am. I didn't get my fantasy of the husband telling me "honey, that's the mans job, let me take care of that" and what I also didn't get was the hallmark commercial life that made me think that every kiss begins with Kay, and that my husband would come home with roses after every business trip just because he missed me. What I did get was real life. Real bill paying, arguing over whats on TV, muttering under your breath how annoying the other is, cover stealing, regular life.
So I know this sounds like I'm complaining, but keep reading, it gets better!
Back to the Valentines thing coming up, I started thinking about my real life and how incredibly blessed I am to be in the exact moment I'm in right now. It got me thinking about this man that I call my husband and so often take for granted. You may have guessed that I am not exactly the easiest person to live with. Not because I am mean and demand things my way...all the time. More because, I'm goofy, I'm messy, my mind can't stick to one project at home, I am constantly stressing over trivial things, I cry a lot, get my feelings hurt a lot, I can be incredibly lazy, I like to tell him what to do and well, I just really hate laundry. I have a temper and I sometimes like to throw things to make a point. I also can be, in the words of my good friend Mr. Adam Lotts, just a down right "crap bag". Don't get me wrong Travis can be all of these things also, most people think Travis is the nicest guy they ever met, and never has a temper, and blah, blah, blah, lol. Which he most certainly is those things, but, we all have our down falls. However with Travis, his good, out weighs his bad (obviously). He is the most compassionate, funny, loving, kind hearted, gentle, animal loving (I once caught him trying to save a bird with tiny chest compressions...don't tell him I told you that), God loving, leader of my house hold, amazing man I know. He laughs to much and to hard at jokes sometimes, he thinks he is funnier then he is, and he loves me even with my flaws. The thing I learned about real life is, it is not perfect. We fight, boy do we sometimes fight. I never knew I could love someone so hard headed, that will argue a point so much, even if we are saying the same thing just worded differently. He will fight to win, just to make me say the way he said it was better. I also never knew I could love someone so much, while simultaneously wanting to throw things at him...like a shoe or breakfast burrito...at his head...that I took off my foot/was eating because it was the only thing I had (that darn honesty thing again). I never knew that I could love someone to the point of my heart aching, when they are hurting. I never knew I could think that the things that I hated about other guys would be so cute on him, or that the things I thought were so cute on him, would end up driving me nuts. I never honestly never knew that I could love someone this deeply and this much, who also sometimes makes me want to pull my hair out.
But what I really never knew was that having an infertility problem, would be in our future. And, I also would have never guessed that it would make us a stronger couple with more love for each other then we could imagine. For that I am truly thankful, I honestly am. You see I think that this issue can go either way with couples. I think that it could easily break you, I can see how as much as a man wants to, he doesn't understand, and as much as I want to understand I don't really know how he hides his emotions. With us, I quickly realized that the man I married hides his emotions so that I have no fear, so I can cry when I want and know that he is my strong rock. The man I married, loves me no matter what, and when I have silly fears that he will trade me in for a "working model" comes home and randomly tells me how much he loves me or sends me a random email that says "I hope you know how much you mean to me", easing fears he never knew I had. The man I married, makes me laugh, even in the moments I just really don't want to laugh. The man I married, is the leader of our house and a mighty man of God!
Great. Now, I'm a big ol' weepy ball of love.
My husband amazes me daily with something new. I can't even imagine how awesome of father he will be. With my real life, I realized that, it was better then any fantasy or hall mark commercial I could have ever dreamed up, now I'm sure this post won't change our life and make us never fight again, because I assure you, God put two hard headed people together. However the great thing about us, is there in never a point where we even remotely think our fights would end us. With my real life I am 100% secure, and he is better then any husband I could have ever molded myself. I got a dream that I didn't even know I wanted. Who else could put up with either of us, anyways.
I realize this was long, and off the charts of the cheese scale, but thanks for reading!
*CHEESE-O-METER STARTS NOW!* So, since I plan on one day printing this blog into a little book (like totally one from fed-ex or something, don't go thinking I think I'm cool enough to actually print a book)to one day give my kids...I know that seems odd, but I think it would be cool for them to see how they were actually loved so much before they even were...or is that really too weird,
ANYWAYS, I have decided to start this from the beginning. Now from the top (deep breath in) Travis and I don't have one of those sweet stories that I so often hear of how they met their significant other. We have a unique story. We actually went to school together, by school I mean elementary to high school. But me being the super popular and awesome at everything I touched, kid I was way cooler then him and we were not friends (this is true, do not listen if he tells you otherwise..have I ever lied to you). It wasn't that we didn't know each other we were just not friends, nor did we even probably speak 2 whole sentences to each other. It is possible it was because we looked like this:
So any who, we were a grade apart (he was older, I'm not a cradle robber) and we both graduated (though you can't always tell with my grammar mistakes), we went on our happy lives never thinking of the other ever again. Until 8 years later, around the time I lived in Austin and he lived in Houston. Y'all remember myspace? Of course you do, its not like we are 10 years in the future. Well one day, I got a random message from Travis saying that he thought something I said was funny, I remember thinking, "whoa, that's a blast from the past", stalked his pictures (again with the honesty thing...stop judging you so do that too), and went on about my day never thinking a thing about it. Randomly, about 3 weeks later we ended up meeting at a
After we met we had a long distance relationship, all of which we talked about marriage, like I'm not kidding we met in November and talked about getting married in January not actually getting married, just we knew we would get married...you probably knew that...I say when you know, you know, and we knew! Since we had both come out of relationships, that were, well obviously not meant to be, we decided that the smart thing to do was to wait a year, then make a commitment to each other before we picked up one of our lives and moved it to a different town. So after
I remember thinking that we were going to live happily ever after, in our house with a picket fence and 3 kids running around (2 boys and a girl of course), and I would bake apple pies all day. OK, OK, honestly I never thought any of that, except the kids part. I did, however, think we would have kids, and I did think we would live in this bubble where we were on a honey moon 24/7. (you can laugh at my ignorance now) I quickly learned that, with that ring on my finger I didn't get my fantasy of a husband that twirls me around the kitchen telling me how beautiful I am. I didn't get my fantasy of the husband telling me "honey, that's the mans job, let me take care of that" and what I also didn't get was the hallmark commercial life that made me think that every kiss begins with Kay, and that my husband would come home with roses after every business trip just because he missed me. What I did get was real life. Real bill paying, arguing over whats on TV, muttering under your breath how annoying the other is, cover stealing, regular life.
So I know this sounds like I'm complaining, but keep reading, it gets better!
Back to the Valentines thing coming up, I started thinking about my real life and how incredibly blessed I am to be in the exact moment I'm in right now. It got me thinking about this man that I call my husband and so often take for granted. You may have guessed that I am not exactly the easiest person to live with. Not because I am mean and demand things my way...all the time. More because, I'm goofy, I'm messy, my mind can't stick to one project at home, I am constantly stressing over trivial things, I cry a lot, get my feelings hurt a lot, I can be incredibly lazy, I like to tell him what to do and well, I just really hate laundry. I have a temper and I sometimes like to throw things to make a point. I also can be, in the words of my good friend Mr. Adam Lotts, just a down right "crap bag". Don't get me wrong Travis can be all of these things also, most people think Travis is the nicest guy they ever met, and never has a temper, and blah, blah, blah, lol. Which he most certainly is those things, but, we all have our down falls. However with Travis, his good, out weighs his bad (obviously). He is the most compassionate, funny, loving, kind hearted, gentle, animal loving (I once caught him trying to save a bird with tiny chest compressions...don't tell him I told you that), God loving, leader of my house hold, amazing man I know. He laughs to much and to hard at jokes sometimes, he thinks he is funnier then he is, and he loves me even with my flaws. The thing I learned about real life is, it is not perfect. We fight, boy do we sometimes fight. I never knew I could love someone so hard headed, that will argue a point so much, even if we are saying the same thing just worded differently. He will fight to win, just to make me say the way he said it was better. I also never knew I could love someone so much, while simultaneously wanting to throw things at him...like a shoe or breakfast burrito...at his head...that I took off my foot/was eating because it was the only thing I had (that darn honesty thing again). I never knew that I could love someone to the point of my heart aching, when they are hurting. I never knew I could think that the things that I hated about other guys would be so cute on him, or that the things I thought were so cute on him, would end up driving me nuts. I never honestly never knew that I could love someone this deeply and this much, who also sometimes makes me want to pull my hair out.
But what I really never knew was that having an infertility problem, would be in our future. And, I also would have never guessed that it would make us a stronger couple with more love for each other then we could imagine. For that I am truly thankful, I honestly am. You see I think that this issue can go either way with couples. I think that it could easily break you, I can see how as much as a man wants to, he doesn't understand, and as much as I want to understand I don't really know how he hides his emotions. With us, I quickly realized that the man I married hides his emotions so that I have no fear, so I can cry when I want and know that he is my strong rock. The man I married, loves me no matter what, and when I have silly fears that he will trade me in for a "working model" comes home and randomly tells me how much he loves me or sends me a random email that says "I hope you know how much you mean to me", easing fears he never knew I had. The man I married, makes me laugh, even in the moments I just really don't want to laugh. The man I married, is the leader of our house and a mighty man of God!
Great. Now, I'm a big ol' weepy ball of love.
My husband amazes me daily with something new. I can't even imagine how awesome of father he will be. With my real life, I realized that, it was better then any fantasy or hall mark commercial I could have ever dreamed up, now I'm sure this post won't change our life and make us never fight again, because I assure you, God put two hard headed people together. However the great thing about us, is there in never a point where we even remotely think our fights would end us. With my real life I am 100% secure, and he is better then any husband I could have ever molded myself. I got a dream that I didn't even know I wanted. Who else could put up with either of us, anyways.
Monday, February 6, 2012
To Be-lieve, or not to be-lieve!
So after my big announcement last week I have really had some time to reflect, read, and do a ton of home improvement projects (but my DIY projects are not really related, just wanted to mention, lol). In my reflection and quiet time the same theme has come up over and over and I can't help but think that maybe, just maybe God is doing his God thing and making a point that I can't miss! It's a hard one that I am not happy to admit, but in my quest for honesty, I figure I have to be be honest with myself...have you ever noticed how easy it is to lie to ourselves to the point where we start to believe we are telling the truth, weird how that works, lol. Anyways, I said last time that I realized that I have been holding on to this idea that I believe God can conquer all our problems and nothing is to big for Him, but the truth is, sometimes I have serious doubt. Not that I doubt that God is all mighty, and can do all things, its just I believe he will and can do that in others lives, but not mine. Why? You ask, well I don't know. I guess I sometimes struggle with the enemy telling me constantly "If God wanted you to have this, He would do it, but since He hasn't, He doesn't." Now I understand how silly that sounds. I am always telling people "lets pray about it", "lets let God guide us", and you know what? I completely believe it for them, I completely believe that God will heal, guide, and fix their problems and am the first to stop and pray for that situation. BUT for my life, I realized I don't believe it for myself. I actually admitted to Travis the other day, that honestly I sometimes don't even pray for a baby anymore. Geez that is ridiculous. Man it's way easier to blog these things then actually say them, its like my fingers have no pride only humility and have no problems talking about my issues...gonna need to speak with them about that.
So with that identified, I have also identified a some other things that hold me in a constant stage of guilt. I realize what I'm about to type is going to sound ridiculous, since well, I have an entire blog created for me to have a pity party about not having a baby. However, having an infertility issue you constantly go on a roller coast with no harness and you never know if you are going up a hill or down, but you do know that you have to hold on dearly to stay alive. Sometimes the downhill part makes me have these weird thoughts always on my mind. For instance, when I am doing something really fun, and have no responsibility to get home to, or worry about, I think "Man if had a kid, I wouldn't be doing this." Or when we book our vacations, I think " Man its nice to just go where we want when we want." I know that is nuts! It's like I think these crazy selfish things, then want to just kick myself in the face (not that, that is actually possible because I'm no where near flexible enough, but even if I was, I don't think that would even be possible...) because how can I feel these things, yet want this kid so bad. Again an attack. The guilt hits. I want to just cry and scream because I really don't know how to combat these things, I don't know how to move past these thoughts. I'm always asking, is this even normal? Do you know how hard it is to want something so bad and then think, wow I'm glad I don't have that yet, it is the worst feeling in the world. It's like guilt just over takes you in a way that you have no idea how to handle. And then if you ever admitted these feelings out loud you just are a big hypocrite, which is also a terrible feeling, because who could take you serious when you cry monthly for not having a baby, then admit that sometimes you are relieved that you don't have one. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!?! Then usually within minutes if I see/hold/touch a baby, see a pregnant lady, see a ultra sound picture I get that gut wrenching feeling that I still don't have that. I am convinced, once again, I'm crazy.
Well, back to my reflection time, after writing journal entry after journal entry (be glad I don't blog all of those, lol) I point blank asked God if I was crazy. Now, if I told you He said yes or no, you would really think I was a nut ball, but guess what He did tell me that I wasn't crazy! He gave me scripture after scripture to stand on! And I soon figured out, It's normal! I am normal and just because I think these things doesn't mean that I'm a bad person/hypocrite/or selfish, nor do I want this child any less then I did before. BUT here is the funny thing about God, when I feel like my faith is weakened and am not fully trusting He NEVER gives up on me!
3 For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does.4 The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:3-5
So with this revelation, it seems that everything I pick up is talking about belief. The latest book I picked up is Beth Moore, "Praying Gods Word" after reading through the second chapter, I was like "OK I GET IT" I struggle with this strong hold. The enemy knows where to get me, and boy does he. Since I refuse to spend to much of my time rebuking the enemy instead of praising God I am going to blow up this strong hold like dynamite! The trick to breaking this strong hold is stopping dwelling on the guilt of feeling this way, or having thoughts that I shouldn't have, but most of all stop thinking about what others think of me. I can't help the way I feel, but I can help the way I react to it!
WARNING: If I become extremely up beat in an annoying way, well I say that in the nicest way possible, but, deal with it! I don't care what you think, Im beating this thought thing.
Proverbs 29:11...giving you something to look up!
So with that identified, I have also identified a some other things that hold me in a constant stage of guilt. I realize what I'm about to type is going to sound ridiculous, since well, I have an entire blog created for me to have a pity party about not having a baby. However, having an infertility issue you constantly go on a roller coast with no harness and you never know if you are going up a hill or down, but you do know that you have to hold on dearly to stay alive. Sometimes the downhill part makes me have these weird thoughts always on my mind. For instance, when I am doing something really fun, and have no responsibility to get home to, or worry about, I think "Man if had a kid, I wouldn't be doing this." Or when we book our vacations, I think " Man its nice to just go where we want when we want." I know that is nuts! It's like I think these crazy selfish things, then want to just kick myself in the face (not that, that is actually possible because I'm no where near flexible enough, but even if I was, I don't think that would even be possible...) because how can I feel these things, yet want this kid so bad. Again an attack. The guilt hits. I want to just cry and scream because I really don't know how to combat these things, I don't know how to move past these thoughts. I'm always asking, is this even normal? Do you know how hard it is to want something so bad and then think, wow I'm glad I don't have that yet, it is the worst feeling in the world. It's like guilt just over takes you in a way that you have no idea how to handle. And then if you ever admitted these feelings out loud you just are a big hypocrite, which is also a terrible feeling, because who could take you serious when you cry monthly for not having a baby, then admit that sometimes you are relieved that you don't have one. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!?! Then usually within minutes if I see/hold/touch a baby, see a pregnant lady, see a ultra sound picture I get that gut wrenching feeling that I still don't have that. I am convinced, once again, I'm crazy.
Well, back to my reflection time, after writing journal entry after journal entry (be glad I don't blog all of those, lol) I point blank asked God if I was crazy. Now, if I told you He said yes or no, you would really think I was a nut ball, but guess what He did tell me that I wasn't crazy! He gave me scripture after scripture to stand on! And I soon figured out, It's normal! I am normal and just because I think these things doesn't mean that I'm a bad person/hypocrite/or selfish, nor do I want this child any less then I did before. BUT here is the funny thing about God, when I feel like my faith is weakened and am not fully trusting He NEVER gives up on me!
3 For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does.4 The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:3-5
So with this revelation, it seems that everything I pick up is talking about belief. The latest book I picked up is Beth Moore, "Praying Gods Word" after reading through the second chapter, I was like "OK I GET IT" I struggle with this strong hold. The enemy knows where to get me, and boy does he. Since I refuse to spend to much of my time rebuking the enemy instead of praising God I am going to blow up this strong hold like dynamite! The trick to breaking this strong hold is stopping dwelling on the guilt of feeling this way, or having thoughts that I shouldn't have, but most of all stop thinking about what others think of me. I can't help the way I feel, but I can help the way I react to it!
WARNING: If I become extremely up beat in an annoying way, well I say that in the nicest way possible, but, deal with it! I don't care what you think, Im beating this thought thing.
Proverbs 29:11...giving you something to look up!
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