This aint my party to plan.

  Wow been awhile.  Been a crazy summer, a summer of change, a summer of emotions, a summer of busy, and summer of just simply being so overwhelmed with life. 

  I think that we have had one of the busiest summers of my life. I haven't blogged in a while because I wasn't ready to tell our summer story.  Since I started this blog I have promised to be open and honest and tell our story, but I guess this summer was something I had never dreamed I'd be writing about.  But now I realize it is just another chapter in our story, and I'm happy to announce we lived through it! Now I will warn you this is candid, raw and honest.  It is the truth.

 Well to spare you ALL the details and to keep this somewhat to the point,  I will tell you that we had our first IUI fertility treatment in June, sadly we got the all to familiar big fat negative.  I was a mess, I think I pretty well held it together in front of people, BUT when I was alone, at home, in my car, in the shower, saw a baby in Target,  I just lost it.  I had planned it all out, everything was set, the time was right, the cost was right, the odds were in every way in my favor.  Except one huge thing was missing.  Why was God doing this?  Where was my miracle baby?  Where was my happy ending?  I didn't get those answers, I wanted those answers, I still don't have those answers.  What I did have was a big mess of myself, a fake smile, a rehearsed line about how I would be ok, a mad spirit and a giant whole in my heart.

  So after a few days...ok like a week...or more, whose counting...ugh pathetic...let just not worry about how long it was, lol, I pulled it together posted some fake sappy blog about how it would all be ok and we decided to try again in July.  This time, was different it was going to work, I mean "statistically it takes more then one time, the average person takes 3 times" blah, blah, blah...I totally suckered myself into reading studying every word of that crap, and sadly started believing it as my truth.  So we put our brave faces on and went back to the doctor, and when I tell you everything that possibly could have gone wrong, did go wrong.  It was a stressful morning, to say the least.  But I made up my mind, this was happening.  Period.  Done. Check Please.  I decided it was right and that was just going to have to be ok.  God would just have to understand.

  Before I continue, I know that none of you would ever do what I did and tell God what he was going to do for you, because just take it from me, its taken me a very long journey, a lot of struggle and lot of being broken down to finally understand that this ain't my party to plan. Just learn from my mistakes.

Anyways, back to the procedure, we started in on the two week wait, I continued my fake act, my fake smile accompanied by something profound (ok, stop laughing, I don't think I have had a profound thought in my life)I continued to go to church, to pray my same prayer of Thank you God that you WILL give us this baby (see how even I spun that to what I wanted), I continued the same fake life just as I did before, as if I was some freak of nature who could just blow it off and make a joke of it, and if anyone mentioned anything "Oh what are you talking about, I'm not even thinking about it at all"  WRONG...I'm surprised I was able to form coherent sentences around the giant cassette player in my brain that was on repeat, replaying every pregnancy symptom ever listed on any list known to man...of course I obviously had them all, I was just waiting to start showing in those 14 days.

That was until day 11, I was at church and during worship it hit me, like smacked me in the face hit me.  I realized right then and there I'm not the creator I'm the vessel, Travis isn't the creator, the doctor especially isn't either.  None of us can plan the party, if you will, without the ultimate event planner.  At that exact moment I knew the treatment didn't work, I can't explain it, I wont try, but I wouldn't take a test, I didn't have a peace about it, and so I didn't.  Just as I knew it would, it happened just like every other month, but strangely enough I didn't freak out,  I was upset but I was ok. 

 Now this hit me hard, I was a mess again but for another reason.  I realized in that moment I had put everything I wanted ahead of everything God wanted, I hadn't looked for His will I just told him what I was going to do and then prayed for the outcome I wanted.  I fell to my knees and asked forgiveness, repented for my selfishness, my need to control, and for my plain ol' untrusting heart. I finally understood why I kept understanding Sarah's story,  before I was kind of like, obviously that's the ultimate fertility story, but Im not that old, and I wont be that old when I have a baby.  But I finally got that I had put so much pressure on myself and God about getting pregnant before I turned 30 because I would be so "old" and my dreams would never come true.  I was basically, like Sarah, laughing at God, not trusting, just planning. Somehow, somewhere in the place I needed Him the most, I completely shut him out. I was trying to be the creator, I was trying to make things happen that weren't in his will for me.  I lost my promises, I was focusing on what he didn't provide me, instead of what He does.  Instead of waking up thanking him, I was waking up telling him what he was going to do.  I was asking for prayer, but wasn't properly doing it myself. 

Talk about a realization that will make you fall on your knees.  Talk about something super painful and embarrassing to write.  I had completely shut God out.  Yet God never gave up on me, he never let me go.  My friend Blaine said something to me just this weekend that resonated with me and I think is what has helped me be ready to tell the story of our summer.  She said "I hate when people say, God will never give you more then you can handle,  He will totally give you more, because that is when we fall to our knees and realize we can't make it without him and need Him the most." 

  I know He has brought me a long ways, in just this short amount of time but I also know that there is still a long way to go, God is dealing with me in his own way and showing me new things daily.  As far as fertility treatments go, I can't say what is in our future, Im obviously not against it and we may do them again, but what I can say is that I want to live in God's will for my life and I will be listening much more then telling in the future.

Thank you God that you are a merciful Father that sent his only son to die on the cross for our sins and that you love us enough to forgive us even when we are ungrateful brats. 

Isaiah 40:28-31
 28 Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.29 He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.30 Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;31 but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.