So after my big announcement last week I have really had some time to reflect, read, and do a ton of home improvement projects (but my DIY projects are not really related, just wanted to mention, lol). In my reflection and quiet time the same theme has come up over and over and I can't help but think that maybe, just maybe God is doing his God thing and making a point that I can't miss! It's a hard one that I am not happy to admit, but in my quest for honesty, I figure I have to be be honest with myself...have you ever noticed how easy it is to lie to ourselves to the point where we start to believe we are telling the truth, weird how that works, lol. Anyways, I said last time that I realized that I have been holding on to this idea that I believe God can conquer all our problems and nothing is to big for Him, but the truth is, sometimes I have serious doubt. Not that I doubt that God is all mighty, and can do all things, its just I believe he will and can do that in others lives, but not mine. Why? You ask, well I don't know. I guess I sometimes struggle with the enemy telling me constantly "If God wanted you to have this, He would do it, but since He hasn't, He doesn't." Now I understand how silly that sounds. I am always telling people "lets pray about it", "lets let God guide us", and you know what? I completely believe it for them, I completely believe that God will heal, guide, and fix their problems and am the first to stop and pray for that situation. BUT for my life, I realized I don't believe it for myself. I actually admitted to Travis the other day, that honestly I sometimes don't even pray for a baby anymore. Geez that is ridiculous. Man it's way easier to blog these things then actually say them, its like my fingers have no pride only humility and have no problems talking about my issues...gonna need to speak with them about that.
So with that identified, I have also identified a some other things that hold me in a constant stage of guilt. I realize what I'm about to type is going to sound ridiculous, since well, I have an entire blog created for me to have a pity party about not having a baby. However, having an infertility issue you constantly go on a roller coast with no harness and you never know if you are going up a hill or down, but you do know that you have to hold on dearly to stay alive. Sometimes the downhill part makes me have these weird thoughts always on my mind. For instance, when I am doing something really fun, and have no responsibility to get home to, or worry about, I think "Man if had a kid, I wouldn't be doing this." Or when we book our vacations, I think " Man its nice to just go where we want when we want." I know that is nuts! It's like I think these crazy selfish things, then want to just kick myself in the face (not that, that is actually possible because I'm no where near flexible enough, but even if I was, I don't think that would even be possible...) because how can I feel these things, yet want this kid so bad. Again an attack. The guilt hits. I want to just cry and scream because I really don't know how to combat these things, I don't know how to move past these thoughts. I'm always asking, is this even normal? Do you know how hard it is to want something so bad and then think, wow I'm glad I don't have that yet, it is the worst feeling in the world. It's like guilt just over takes you in a way that you have no idea how to handle. And then if you ever admitted these feelings out loud you just are a big hypocrite, which is also a terrible feeling, because who could take you serious when you cry monthly for not having a baby, then admit that sometimes you are relieved that you don't have one. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!?! Then usually within minutes if I see/hold/touch a baby, see a pregnant lady, see a ultra sound picture I get that gut wrenching feeling that I still don't have that. I am convinced, once again, I'm crazy.
Well, back to my reflection time, after writing journal entry after journal entry (be glad I don't blog all of those, lol) I point blank asked God if I was crazy. Now, if I told you He said yes or no, you would really think I was a nut ball, but guess what He did tell me that I wasn't crazy! He gave me scripture after scripture to stand on! And I soon figured out, It's normal! I am normal and just because I think these things doesn't mean that I'm a bad person/hypocrite/or selfish, nor do I want this child any less then I did before. BUT here is the funny thing about God, when I feel like my faith is weakened and am not fully trusting He NEVER gives up on me!
3 For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does.4 The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:3-5
So with this revelation, it seems that everything I pick up is talking about belief. The latest book I picked up is Beth Moore, "Praying Gods Word" after reading through the second chapter, I was like "OK I GET IT" I struggle with this strong hold. The enemy knows where to get me, and boy does he. Since I refuse to spend to much of my time rebuking the enemy instead of praising God I am going to blow up this strong hold like dynamite! The trick to breaking this strong hold is stopping dwelling on the guilt of feeling this way, or having thoughts that I shouldn't have, but most of all stop thinking about what others think of me. I can't help the way I feel, but I can help the way I react to it!
WARNING: If I become extremely up beat in an annoying way, well I say that in the nicest way possible, but, deal with it! I don't care what you think, Im beating this thought thing.
Proverbs 29:11...giving you something to look up!
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