The rain always comes before the rainbows...right

  Well this week has been a whirl wind of amazingness!  Food, food, food, food, family, food, shopping, left overs and Christmas movie marathons.  We hosted our first Thanksgiving this year, which if I must say so myself was a complete success!  Besides the fact that we didn't have near enough chairs, and my oven was on from Wednesday afternoon until Thursday afternoon, and that I completely misjudged drinks for everyone and ran out, I have to say I was pretty awesome, lol.  Its good thing my family is awesome and no one cared.  Thursday morning I had a great idea, that Travis and I would wake up and run a 5 mile race, so that I could eat what I wanted that afternoon.  I had a mini panic attack that I wasnt going to have time for everything, but low and behold I forced myself to be organized and I got everything done...amazing what organization can do for you.

  Along with Thanksgiving being all up in my face.  There was also a huge elephant in the room, the one that comes every month,  you know the one that helps us remember we are "lucky" to be women (which on a totally random tangent, someone PLEASE explain to me why everyone looks so happy and perfect in tampon commercials, says the girl layed up on the couch in fat pants and no makeup) ugh.  Anyways, back to the elephant in the room.  This week every month I am always on the edge, analyzing every little thing about my body.  Its actually hard to explain if you have never been through it, but Im hoping that I am normal when I say that I always think everything means Im pregnant.  Its kinda sad to admit this, but I am so desperate to be pregnant I have made ever possible feeling a symptom of pregnancy in my head...sadly I have had silly thoughts like "hhhmmm, thats odd, I have never burped after eating yogurt"  or "ok this is crazy, my left boob feels different then normal"  I mean come on, who can even remember those things.  Well this month, I did have something a little different happen that doesn't normally, maybe TMI, but well who cares.  My boobs were EXTREMELY sore for a couple weeks, like so sore it hurt to sleep.  And normally they get sore, like most women but not for extended periods of time like this month.  So for someone like me who has been analyzing this for a couple years now, and never remembered this happening, Im not going to lie,  I kinda let my self get a little excited. I really thought this was it, this could be the month.  So besides, Thanksgiving all week, it was on my mind more then normal.  I didn't want to tell anyone, because I didn't want the hopeful pep talks and then have to tell people it didn't happen again, but inside I was a ball of emotions.  Now I knew that it would or wouldn't happen on Saturday (because seriously yall, I am like clock work, Im pretty sure when they made the 28 day calendar, they went off of me) so I just impatiently waited.  I even did something I never let myself do.  I looked up on the internet pregnancy syptoms, which of course I figured out a way that I had all of them.  IevenlookedupwaystoannounceIwaspregnant...can't believe I admitted that, lol.  Now you may be thinking, why didn't you just take a test, well I learned very early on, NOT to do that.  You know when there is one brownie left and you have thought about it all day, and when you get home someone ate it?  Times that let down, a billion and there you have my reaction to a negative pregnancy test, lol, so its just best I don't do it.

  Well turns out I wasn't, got my lucky little gift this morning, on Saturday, like I said.  At first I had a sinking feeling and felt a little sorry for myself (yes its my party, and I will cry if I want to) it was just supposed to be my time, I did what I was supposed to, I have held up my end of the deal, why isnt God?  This baby will have a good home, it will be loved more then words can explain (it already is), it has a name, it has a room, it has everything it needs.  I did what I was supposed to do, why isn't this working.  And seriously of all days, this had to happen on a gloomy rainy day (even more of a good combination for feeling sorry for yourself, lol). 

However those feelings will only last as long as I let them.  I picked myself up and made myself go out side in the rain and do the very last thing I wanted to do, run.  I ran, and I ran, and I got soaked, as the rain picked up so did my tears and so did my pleading...well more like arguing with God.  Then something happened, that stopped me nearly in my tracks...well I didn't really stop, I mean God likes to talk to me, but surely he didnt want me more soaked then I was, sooooo I ran a little slower...I remembered that I wasnt giving God the glory for the things I had, so there on the street in front of my house I started lising things out in my head that I had:

A wonderful husband
A wonderful family
A home for a baby to come home to one day
The best friends in the world {I know thats cliche to say, but seriously I really do, yall are awesome}
A job
An awesome church family
My health, duh Im running (well not now, but this was earlier)
My puppies

However most importantly I have a God that loves me!  He has given me everything on the above list, and until I am happy with that, what will I ever be happy with?  I am happy with the life God has given me and if a baby is never in my future I know that there is another amazing plan for me, and for that I am satisfied!

Now dont go thinking that I am perfect at this, I hope to not stumble on this, but I can't promise I wont have another day of tears.  Thank you Father for the mercy to pick me back up and put me back on track again and again!

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Jeremiah 29:11

Green Beans make a heart feel good.

So tonight Travis and I had the honor and privilege to help with our churches Thanksgiving Outreach, which is awesome!  We made the enough green bean casserole to help serve 16,000 people, SERIOUSLY!!  How awesome is that!   Glory to God for the heart of our church to serve the community!  (Geez, enough with the exclamation points, I get a little carried away and the more excited my brain gets the more excited my typing gets and before I know it I have screamed at you in every sentence...its a nice happy scream though)

We joined The Ark church about 4 years ago, neither of us ever really growing up in church we decided very early on in our marriage that we were not cool enough to try and do this alone.  Oddly enough even though we didn't have a "churchy" background, or necessarily know a lot about The Bible, or sadly did we really understand the power our Savior and Lord Jesus Christ had, we were both believers and had an urge to make this marriage a testament of God.  The honest fact is, we loved church and had actually started meeting people there, but we were both hung up on our own human feelings of nervousness and fear of embarrassment of how little we actually knew (and still know, lets be honest, I still sometimes learn about some of the stories from The Bible while helping in Ark Kids, thank goodness for Veggie Tales, and great preschool teachers, lol), however we have quickly figured out God didn't let that stop him with His plan.  In reality, that feeling I was putting on myself was exactly that, a feeling that I was letting myself have, an insecurity from the enemy that is down right silly.  The more I let go of my life and give it over to God the more I get pushed in the opposite direction that I ever thought I would go.   Our first major thing we did was before we got married we took the Financial Peace University (that funny enough cost us a 100 dollars that put us in anything but financial peace after we paid that, lol), and let me tell you, it was amazing.  It taught us so much right off the bat about money, marriage and God that we never knew, it even gave us some really super awesome friends from it!  Then shortly after we got married, like real shortly, like 4 months after we said "I Do" we were randomly asked to participate in a marriage class...and by participate I mean help facilitate a group on a class about marriage, now if your reaction was like ours, you probably said "That is such an honor but you do realize that we have been married 4 months and just last night had a fight where we dumped each others belongings down the stairs...well ok so your reaction probably wasn't exactly like ours, but still.  So with a little nervous, giggle, we said we would do it.  BEST. THING. EVER!  Not only have did we grow as a couple, but we also learned as a couple, the group we were with was amazing, they taught us so much.  Sometimes we laughed the whole time and sometimes we cried (well I cried, I always cry) but we always left there being like wow!  Then feeling like old veterans, we decided our serving was good, and we had done what we needed to do, flexed our muscles, kissed out biceps, and peaced out to became just "Church goers".  Now you may have seen a  theme coming up in this, but God pretty much laughed at me when I told him "thanks for the opportunity, I had done my duty and was just going to coast for a while".  He quickly had me right in amongst it again.  I'm not sure what came over me the day I signed up to work in the preschool with 3, 4 and 5 year old kids.  Snotty nosed, shirts tucked into their underwear when they come out of the bathroom, always wasn't to be a line leader, and hold your hand kids.  When I tell you I feel in love with it, I mean I fell in love with it!  There was little boy in there that was 5 years old and he had down syndrome, and as much work as he was to keep up with for the hour a week I helped, I loved that kid, I prayed for him so much, and just wanted to hug him every time I saw him.  He was my little buddy!  I was always a little disappointed when he wasn't there.  This hour a week in the preschool has been so precious to me in ways that I didn't even realize.  Oh and I wasn't kidding when I said I had learned things during our Adventure Land Bible lessons, lol, wait that's not funny, I'm serious!

  So that is a little back story on where we are today, Thanksgiving outreach.  About a month ago Travis and I were approached by the youth pastor about helping with the youth group on Wednesday nights.  Since I'm a jump right in kinda girl (which let me tell you my husband absolutely adores about me, NOT) I was like oh yes, lets do it!  Then reality set in (I'm pretty sure I heard that creepy duhn, duhn, duhn music) if i felt like 5 year old kids knew more then me, then teenagers would eat me alive.  I got scared.  Real scared.  And even after doing it for a month or longer now, I'm still scared.  But I know that this is exactly where God has placed us!  I have been put right in the middle of some of the coolest kids, and adults I know that know more about the Lord then I could ever imagine knowing, but yet I feel at most peace with it then I have with anything in the entire world.  He's got this! 

Ok, so here is really how we got where we are today (I promise no more rambling about other things...I hope, I just cant help myself, its like my fingers want to type one thing and my brain says not talk about this...dang it, there I go again)  Thanksgiving outreach tonight was all of the Ark Kids and AYC volunteers and kids.  It was so cool, we mixed industrial size cans of green beans, with industrial sized cans of cream of mushroom, and table spoons of pepper (which may or may not have accidentally gotten wind blown straight up into my nose, to which I ran out of the tent and accidentally sneezed on a lady...good thing we were at church surrounded by nice people) just being there surrounded by so many people that would give their time and love and support to our community blew me away.  This was a seriously awesome display of the heart of our church, one in which I am proud to call my church family and be confident in the fact that this is EXACTLY where God has placed my and my wonderful husband! 

Babies, Baby Showers and The Truth!

  Today was a very good friend of mines, baby shower.  I seriously love seeing my old college friends and spending some time with them (even though, they did make fun of my flower arrangement, that I tried to make.)  We have all gone separate ways but we always end up back together a couple times of the year, and it seems we all just pick up where we left off.  Something comforting about having friends that you can always go "home" to.

 

  So as you may me wondering how does a person with infertility deal with all things baby (well actually probably you aren't wondering, because why would you) DISCLAIMER: Before you read this, thinking wow what a jerk, please know I AM CRAZY EXCITED FOR MY FRIENDS!  Its just that selfishly, we know that we will be faced with the all to common *elbow to the arm* "Sooooo when are you guys gonna have a baby" or my other favorite "You're next!" *wink, wink*.  Followed by the typical awkward array of responses I have come up with, including my favorites, "Well when God is ready to give us one we will take it"  or the more forward approach "We are working on it!"

Ok back on track:

  So as you can imagine I had a lot of selfish anxiety for myself, mixed with joy and happiness for my friends.  Baby showers for me are kinda like walking into a car dealership and test driving a car you really want, but knowing that it is totally out of your reach.  Once I got there everything was wonderful!  Then just as I feared (which why we fear things is beyond me because it seems what we fear is always a foreshadow into the situations that He is going to put us through, its pretty weird how that happens) the questions started coming, flying straight at me so fast I felt like I was suddenly on a paint ball battlefield dodging painful paint balls...ok, ok, I have never been on a paint ball battlefield or even been hit by a paintball, but you can imagine.  So in this moment I had a decision to make, and if our lives were as perfect as the Kay Jeweler commercials time would have stood still and I would have been able to contemplate a well thought out answer and really been able to articulate the correct response, (then given a piece of jewelry just for being awesome)...BUT, its not and instead in typical Kayla fashion I blurt out the first thing that comes to mind,  "I start invitro in February, we have tried everything, I have even had a camera in my uterus and they shot dye in my tubes."  As soon as it came out of my mouth I looked at Tiff (who you will all get to know in this because well we talk about a lot) and she looked at me and we were both a little shocked at how quickly and easily that came out, she then piped in "Oh and she has a blog and yall need to read it!"  Friends are the best!

 

 Yet again, God is so Cool!  Four months ago I would have NEVER, NEVER been so open about that, I would have skated around it and made some lame joke about how much I liked happy hours, which in all reality I maybe go to a happy hour every other month and even that is probably exaggerating.  I would have never told so many people for fear of opinions, rejection, judgement and who knows what other reason I had made up in my thick candy coated shell of a brain.  But, here I was sitting amongst people who I just shared a "secret" that I had locked up because I was to prideful to let anyone know I had a problem, and God put me here, He showed me yet again, that I can be a vessel for Him, I can tell this story and be proud that my story isn't the same as your story.  When in reality, its not mine to tell its His and even if those awful judgements did come to fruition (which totally didn't because my friends are awesome and all were super excited for us) it wouldn't matter  At my first defense, no one came to my support, but everyone deserted me.  May it not be held against them.  But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it.  And I was delivered from the lion's mouth. 2 Timothy 4: 16-17

So here there it is my friends!  Fear nothing!

You know that nagging feeling that wont go away...

Hi my name is Kayla and I have unexplained infertility.  There it is, I said it, its out, we broke the ice, whew thats always the awkward part, glad we can all breath.  So now here it is, the nity gritty, the ugly (well not necessarily ugly because I like pretty things) and the crazy thing they call infertility. 

  I have been having this feeling in my gut to start this "new" blog (because my previous sad attempt at blogging lasted about, well 3 blogs), to tell my story, something that has been a very personal, emotional, crazy thing that we have been going through for almost 2 years now.  Do I feel like this is a little nuts, OF COURSE, do I feel like this is something that should be shared with close friends and family, OF COURSE, have I put this off for months because I had a bigger plan then what the big man upstairs did, OF COURSE...but well come on guys, in the end He ALWAYS wins and we take a giant step (more of leap) out of our comfort zone (and not the your underwear are a little to tight type of uncomfort, like the I cant believe I just told you that and immediately wish I could take it back uncomfort) into an area that makes you, well down right skeered.  Some reason I feel like this is an outlet where I can be the most real I have ever been.  I don't know what purpose of this thing is going to serve, but if it only serves the purpose of being a place for me to get it all out, then I'm completely happy with that.  The only thing I know is that I have 1000000% faith that God has a purpose and until I give in and do it, that nagging feeling will not go away.

  To be honest, I'm not really sure what will be the context but I'm laying it all out, I'm tired of being embarrassed, ashamed, and even to the point of lying to people to about when we are going to have a baby.  The truth is I'M READY, but clearly He isn't!  I have been ready, I have prayed for this child for as long as I can remember.  I honestly cant remember a day when I didn't think about it, dream about it, and sometimes (ok a lot more times then I like to admit) cry about it.  I have to be honest, darn it, I'm mad about about it.  Mad at God, mad at myself, mad at my husband, mad at people who feel sorry for me, mad at people who don't feel sorry me, and well just sometimes I'm so mad for an unexplained reason I want to kick something (don't worry I will warn you if I do decide to go that route, hopefully you wont be the lucky recipient).

I'm ready, ready to tell my story, the story that is no ones but mine and was written for me before my bones were formed. by our Father who knows my thoughts before they are formed, who knows our struggles and yet forgives us for them.  My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.  When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.  All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.  Psalm 139:15-16

So as Buzz Lightyear says...To Infertility and Beyond...wait that's not it, well you get the picture.