Its the most Hap-Happiest time of the year, if you let it be!

  When I think of this time of year I automatically start singing, "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas" then I think, no I'm not, I have never had a white Christmas (well except that one year as a flight attendant that I was in Canada in a hotel room alone, but that's another story) and its never actually been something I dreamed about.  So why does my mind automatically start thinking of something that is actually not in my realm of knowledge, nor is it really a possibility to have an actual white Christmas (flurries, maybe a little white frost yes, snow, no) well I will tell you.  Its the same reason that we all go around thinking that we deserve a car with a big red bow on it, a diamond on every major holiday (which I would certainly not say no to, but eh, I like to pay my bills) and we should all be smiling even when someone cuts in front of us in line and take the last one of what we wanted, it all has to do with one word TELEVISION!  Now I'm not writing a blog about how TV is bad, by no means, I do love me some TV (says the girl who has a house of 2 people and 3 TVs) but I have recently been seeing so many things that make me kinda cringe. 

  I turned on the my tube the other day and in one break there was a commercial, about a wife forgetting to buy her husband a gift and running out and buying a car, a dog running in with a ring around his neck to a women, erectile dysfunction (OK that's not relevant , but those do annoy/make me say kinda laugh...I'm just being honest) and kids counting down to Santa bringing her presents.  These all make life seem so perfect, and sweet, and lead us into HUGE expectations of what we should be getting for presents.  When in reality Christmas, a time that is supposed to be so joyous, and happy and awesome for the one and only reason, which is Christ birth, has become one giant annoying, everyone grumbling around, going broke time of year.  I will be the first person to admit, I have totally gotten caught up in this, for example, the other day I prayed that God would lift some of my need to control all the gifts and what and when we bought them (yeah I'm a women who likes to control things, sue me) off of me and help me let go and put Him in control.  Then I promptly called my husband and told/yelled at him what he had to do for a someones gift, and when it had to be done by...thank goodness for grace, because clearly this control thing is going to be something that I really need help with. 
  Well, in true form of being caught up in all of this, I have been super stressed this year about getting it all done when I had a real reality check Wednesday and some how the stress kinda melted away.  I normally don't ever tell people things like this, because well I just feel like its not something to be broadcasted, but this year was different.  Every year since Travis and I have been together we have adopted a family for Christmas.  This year being no different, we decided to ask some friends if they would like to go in with us.  Well, y'all know how in previous post I already told you how cool my friends were?  I proved it once again, my friends Mr and Mrs. Bass had already taken a family on!  So after a little discussion, The Fisher Family, Bass Family, and Nemec Family decided to all adopt this little family to give them an awesome Christmas!  So after many emails, we all got together, bought these babies presents and planned a day for delivery.  I have to be honest, some of this actually felt a little routine, and the true meaning of it hadn't actually hit me until we got there to deliver the gifts (this is a terrible thing to admit, I know, but I'm trying to be as honest as possible here).

We arrived knocked on the families door, and when we were greeted my heart did a flip flop.  I saw 4 sweet little faces with smiles as big as Texas, 4 little faces that were so excited they could barely contain themselves.  As if this didn't melt my heart enough I was standing in the living room talking to them, and I felt these little arms around my leg randomly giving me a hug.  Y'all this was a hug like no other.  It was the most genuine hug I think I may have ever received.  It was a 5 year old who was truly grateful for the presents "Santa's Elves" brought her.  It was honest. It was thoughtful. Most importantly it was, love, which was the only way her little 5 year old self knew how to show what she was feeling.  We stayed and played with the kids for a little bit and loved on this little family and just took in the excitement that they were feeling.  It was infectious, it put a smile on all of our faces (especially when the little girls kept wanting us to pass them back and forth, and before we left had learned our names), we just wanted to be in the moment forever.  However as we all know moments cant last forever and we have to leave and go back to our lives and get back to "normal".  But for some reason I couldn't stop thinking about this family and the love that they had not only for one another, but for us, complete strangers, people they will probably never see again. 

(This is a really long post, so I give you permission to stop reading now if you want)

I really wish I could finish this and tell you how the rest of the week was just one big sweet moment, and how I really learned the true meaning of Christmas and how changed I was.  Except here is the real story:

So once we got off of our high for delivering gifts, I went to bed and woke up in a very undream-like normal day, it was like all the magic disappeared and I had to continue to prepare for Christmas with my family. Of course, just like I promised I wouldn't do, I couldn't help letting myself get a little stressed about it all, because in true Kayla fashion, I decided I needed to do it all, and make it all (I am not crafty AT ALL, so my talents are more in my cooking, I always try to make up for my uncraftyness by cooking a billion things).  So I made my list of last minute gifts to buy, my list of everything I felt I needed to cook and bake and tried to plan out my time to get it all done.  Well instead of making this a fun time where I could really focus on the meaning of Christmas and this time with my family, I found myself getting very ungrateful and unhappy.  I grumbled about doing it all, and not having time to get it all done.  I stomped around like a child who just got her candy taken from her, because I had SSOOO much to do and no time to get it all done, and oh poor me.  So as I was being a big ole baby, Travis was so trying to cheer me up and it just annoyed me for some reason.  Unfortunately, it wasn't until I snapped, well, no reason at all, then Travis snapped and we just had a few minutes of pointless screaming and being big ole babies (I'm grown up enough to admit, I did that) that I was slammed back into the reality of the moment.  Where had that joy gone on Wednesday?  Where had those feelings of love and hope and happiness go?  Why couldn't I remember the scripture I had recited to myself all week  Better a meal of vegetables where there is love than a fattened calf with hatred.  Proverbs 15:17?   It took me and my husband getting into a full fledged argument on Christmas Eve to bring me back to reality (I wish I could tell a different story, but hey sometimes the truth is just not that fun).  The reality that this was not about how well I could cook, how much money we could spend, or anything other then the birth of our Lord and Savior.  This was a time that we could get together with the people that we loved the most, and just celebrate the lives we have because we have a Father who loves us so much that He sent His only son to die for our sins and give us eternal life.   Once that hit me I changed my tune!  I now sit here and reflect on the the past few days and think about what an awesome family and life I have, I remember the little family about how we were able to bless them with a Christmas that they would not have been able to have and how this season is so easy to just get lost in.  Besides the fact that while at church my dog ate an entire batch of Jalapeno Sausage Cups that were left cooling on the kitchen counter, and that my grandmother told me that she didn't like what I had done with my hair (at least she didn't tell me this year that marriage had agreed with me, but that I had gained weight in the right places) and besides that fact that sometimes my family closely resembles the The Griswold's, minus the squirrel in the tree, I have a fantastic, wonderful, filled with more love then one deserves family!  I have a God that loves us so much He gave His only son!  I am beyond blessed and cant imagine any other life then the one I have been given!

Jesus truly is the reason for the season and I pray that if I ever start to forget this, I get a jolt back into reality! 

Here are just a few of my blessings, a couple Christmas pics of some of my neices and nephews!

List are stupid...

Ugh I promised I wouldn't take giant breaks in this whole blogging thing, but y'all I have been BUSY!  I wish I could be all uplifting and say "Oh its a good busy, I'm so blessed to have plans and friends and family who want to see me and share my time"  but the truth is I have been so incredibly busy that I honestly have no idea what I have done.  Literally no recollection of the past weeks since Thanksgiving, its like I wake up, work out, and that is where the schedule goes haywire until the next day when I wake up and think, what they heck did I do yesterday.  But, hey I'm still waking up, and that's the main thing right!

On to the actual intended blog post:

Today was one of those days where I woke up and went to work out like normal, except today I woke up with an odd feeling.  Its my 29th birthday today (and I didn't cry!)  its my last year in my twenties, my last year to be considered "young"  I'm a full fledged adult...(sorry for the pause, I had to chew on that and wash it down with some water)  I know we all get older, and I know that most people are fine with it, but for some reason age has always freaked me out.  I think I have always put an extra special pressure on myself about age, and what in my personal timeline I needed to have accomplished.  It was actually fairly recently that I found a list I made myself in high school about my 5 year, 10 year, and 20 year plan (I know I'm not the only nerd who did this), well it was kinda funny that I have always been a planner, even when I didn't know what I was planning.  As I read through the list I realized I have accomplished a lot I set out for myself, I graduated college, got a job, bought a car (well a couple, due to my talent for totalling cars), got married, and bought a house.   So I gave myself a pat on the back for my accomplishing a fairly generic list of goals that most high school kids had, and never thought about it again.

  Then there was this morning.  My 29th birthday (geeze why do you keep reminding me...age is just a number and you're only as old as you feel...oh sorry I just had a Stewart Smalley moment (for those of  you who don't get that, you tube it)) I think I just put a parenthesis in a parenthesis, Julie Beken will be cringing with that, lol.  KAYLA GET BACK ON TRACK.  Anyways My 29th birthday, birthday, birthday, birthday(that was an echo).  The stupid list popped back up, it was like the enemy was trying to remind me the one main thing on the list I hadn't accomplished,  kids.  So here I sit with birth announcements, and baby belly's all around me, and I don't have one.  I'm still stuck peeing on an ovulation stick hoping for a smiley face, you're jealous right, its glamorous life but someone has to live it.  So like every other thing I do, I over analyzed this morning why this stupid little list kept popping up in my head.  I remember last year getting the pep talks, this is your year, I just feel like its going to happen for you, well here is it, me and my list again this year and sadly friends, obviously that didn't happen, so instead of moping about it, I decided to change my perspective. I have a new sense of peace about it all.  I read this morning something that I literally read on the exact same day last year and underlined it.

 Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed. Proverbs 16:3 

Y'all I being the planner that I am, stopped what I was doing and like every self respecting person in this day and age, facebooked about it.  But after that I was like WHOA, my plans will succeed, if I commit them to You.  Stop drink that in, like ice water on a hot day.  COMMIT TO THE LORD WHATEVER YOU DO, and your plans WILL succeed.  If your like me you have to read this several times to actually grasp it (you probably don't, because you are much smarter then me, but this is not about you and your bragging about yourself)  Here is what I saw that He was trying to tell me on the same day last year.  Kayla, Commit to me EVERYTHING and your plans will succeed.  Now here is the tricky part my pea brain didn't grasp, no where in that did God put a 5 year, 10 year or 20 year plan.  He simply said commit and your plans will succeed, not commit and I will give you what you want in a year.  Now the other tricky part, saying your plans will succeed means the plans he has laid out for you, which lets be honest are way better.  Get it?  Not the plan that I made for myself, because, well that is how I wanted it and I should get what I want, right, I mean I wrote it down when I was 16 and knew everything.   WRONG!!!

  I am about to admit something that I can barely type, it is hard for me to even put into writing, but I am, was your typical youngest (favorite, but don't tell my siblings) child, I got my way, I liked getting my way, and if I didn't I cried and usually ended up getting my way...My name is Kayla and I was a full fledged bratty kid.  OMG that was worse then admitting I like to watch the biggest loser while eating fresh baked cookies, its just wrong.  I think my fingers burn just typing it...  So when I read this I may have pouted a little, I stomped my feet threw my hands in the air and scream "WHY ME"...ok, ok I didn't I actually didn't do that last part, I just always see it on TV and imagined doing it, but I did pout and think it wasn't fair, (I didn't say I was fully over my bratty kid syndrome).  And so I did the only thing I knew to do in this situation and prayed.

So I have prayed about this all day, and between, over 100 super awesomely sweet humbling birthday messages and an awesome Josh Wilson concert at church tonight, I have decided no more list!  Only committing in EVERYTHING and knowing that my specifically designed plans will succeed.  I'd say that's a pretty good revelation to have on ones birthday!  Thank you Lord, for always being there to point out the obvious, even when we don't always see what is right in front of our faces.

The rain always comes before the rainbows...right

  Well this week has been a whirl wind of amazingness!  Food, food, food, food, family, food, shopping, left overs and Christmas movie marathons.  We hosted our first Thanksgiving this year, which if I must say so myself was a complete success!  Besides the fact that we didn't have near enough chairs, and my oven was on from Wednesday afternoon until Thursday afternoon, and that I completely misjudged drinks for everyone and ran out, I have to say I was pretty awesome, lol.  Its good thing my family is awesome and no one cared.  Thursday morning I had a great idea, that Travis and I would wake up and run a 5 mile race, so that I could eat what I wanted that afternoon.  I had a mini panic attack that I wasnt going to have time for everything, but low and behold I forced myself to be organized and I got everything done...amazing what organization can do for you.

  Along with Thanksgiving being all up in my face.  There was also a huge elephant in the room, the one that comes every month,  you know the one that helps us remember we are "lucky" to be women (which on a totally random tangent, someone PLEASE explain to me why everyone looks so happy and perfect in tampon commercials, says the girl layed up on the couch in fat pants and no makeup) ugh.  Anyways, back to the elephant in the room.  This week every month I am always on the edge, analyzing every little thing about my body.  Its actually hard to explain if you have never been through it, but Im hoping that I am normal when I say that I always think everything means Im pregnant.  Its kinda sad to admit this, but I am so desperate to be pregnant I have made ever possible feeling a symptom of pregnancy in my head...sadly I have had silly thoughts like "hhhmmm, thats odd, I have never burped after eating yogurt"  or "ok this is crazy, my left boob feels different then normal"  I mean come on, who can even remember those things.  Well this month, I did have something a little different happen that doesn't normally, maybe TMI, but well who cares.  My boobs were EXTREMELY sore for a couple weeks, like so sore it hurt to sleep.  And normally they get sore, like most women but not for extended periods of time like this month.  So for someone like me who has been analyzing this for a couple years now, and never remembered this happening, Im not going to lie,  I kinda let my self get a little excited. I really thought this was it, this could be the month.  So besides, Thanksgiving all week, it was on my mind more then normal.  I didn't want to tell anyone, because I didn't want the hopeful pep talks and then have to tell people it didn't happen again, but inside I was a ball of emotions.  Now I knew that it would or wouldn't happen on Saturday (because seriously yall, I am like clock work, Im pretty sure when they made the 28 day calendar, they went off of me) so I just impatiently waited.  I even did something I never let myself do.  I looked up on the internet pregnancy syptoms, which of course I figured out a way that I had all of them.  IevenlookedupwaystoannounceIwaspregnant...can't believe I admitted that, lol.  Now you may be thinking, why didn't you just take a test, well I learned very early on, NOT to do that.  You know when there is one brownie left and you have thought about it all day, and when you get home someone ate it?  Times that let down, a billion and there you have my reaction to a negative pregnancy test, lol, so its just best I don't do it.

  Well turns out I wasn't, got my lucky little gift this morning, on Saturday, like I said.  At first I had a sinking feeling and felt a little sorry for myself (yes its my party, and I will cry if I want to) it was just supposed to be my time, I did what I was supposed to, I have held up my end of the deal, why isnt God?  This baby will have a good home, it will be loved more then words can explain (it already is), it has a name, it has a room, it has everything it needs.  I did what I was supposed to do, why isn't this working.  And seriously of all days, this had to happen on a gloomy rainy day (even more of a good combination for feeling sorry for yourself, lol). 

However those feelings will only last as long as I let them.  I picked myself up and made myself go out side in the rain and do the very last thing I wanted to do, run.  I ran, and I ran, and I got soaked, as the rain picked up so did my tears and so did my pleading...well more like arguing with God.  Then something happened, that stopped me nearly in my tracks...well I didn't really stop, I mean God likes to talk to me, but surely he didnt want me more soaked then I was, sooooo I ran a little slower...I remembered that I wasnt giving God the glory for the things I had, so there on the street in front of my house I started lising things out in my head that I had:

A wonderful husband
A wonderful family
A home for a baby to come home to one day
The best friends in the world {I know thats cliche to say, but seriously I really do, yall are awesome}
A job
An awesome church family
My health, duh Im running (well not now, but this was earlier)
My puppies

However most importantly I have a God that loves me!  He has given me everything on the above list, and until I am happy with that, what will I ever be happy with?  I am happy with the life God has given me and if a baby is never in my future I know that there is another amazing plan for me, and for that I am satisfied!

Now dont go thinking that I am perfect at this, I hope to not stumble on this, but I can't promise I wont have another day of tears.  Thank you Father for the mercy to pick me back up and put me back on track again and again!

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Jeremiah 29:11

Green Beans make a heart feel good.

So tonight Travis and I had the honor and privilege to help with our churches Thanksgiving Outreach, which is awesome!  We made the enough green bean casserole to help serve 16,000 people, SERIOUSLY!!  How awesome is that!   Glory to God for the heart of our church to serve the community!  (Geez, enough with the exclamation points, I get a little carried away and the more excited my brain gets the more excited my typing gets and before I know it I have screamed at you in every sentence...its a nice happy scream though)

We joined The Ark church about 4 years ago, neither of us ever really growing up in church we decided very early on in our marriage that we were not cool enough to try and do this alone.  Oddly enough even though we didn't have a "churchy" background, or necessarily know a lot about The Bible, or sadly did we really understand the power our Savior and Lord Jesus Christ had, we were both believers and had an urge to make this marriage a testament of God.  The honest fact is, we loved church and had actually started meeting people there, but we were both hung up on our own human feelings of nervousness and fear of embarrassment of how little we actually knew (and still know, lets be honest, I still sometimes learn about some of the stories from The Bible while helping in Ark Kids, thank goodness for Veggie Tales, and great preschool teachers, lol), however we have quickly figured out God didn't let that stop him with His plan.  In reality, that feeling I was putting on myself was exactly that, a feeling that I was letting myself have, an insecurity from the enemy that is down right silly.  The more I let go of my life and give it over to God the more I get pushed in the opposite direction that I ever thought I would go.   Our first major thing we did was before we got married we took the Financial Peace University (that funny enough cost us a 100 dollars that put us in anything but financial peace after we paid that, lol), and let me tell you, it was amazing.  It taught us so much right off the bat about money, marriage and God that we never knew, it even gave us some really super awesome friends from it!  Then shortly after we got married, like real shortly, like 4 months after we said "I Do" we were randomly asked to participate in a marriage class...and by participate I mean help facilitate a group on a class about marriage, now if your reaction was like ours, you probably said "That is such an honor but you do realize that we have been married 4 months and just last night had a fight where we dumped each others belongings down the stairs...well ok so your reaction probably wasn't exactly like ours, but still.  So with a little nervous, giggle, we said we would do it.  BEST. THING. EVER!  Not only have did we grow as a couple, but we also learned as a couple, the group we were with was amazing, they taught us so much.  Sometimes we laughed the whole time and sometimes we cried (well I cried, I always cry) but we always left there being like wow!  Then feeling like old veterans, we decided our serving was good, and we had done what we needed to do, flexed our muscles, kissed out biceps, and peaced out to became just "Church goers".  Now you may have seen a  theme coming up in this, but God pretty much laughed at me when I told him "thanks for the opportunity, I had done my duty and was just going to coast for a while".  He quickly had me right in amongst it again.  I'm not sure what came over me the day I signed up to work in the preschool with 3, 4 and 5 year old kids.  Snotty nosed, shirts tucked into their underwear when they come out of the bathroom, always wasn't to be a line leader, and hold your hand kids.  When I tell you I feel in love with it, I mean I fell in love with it!  There was little boy in there that was 5 years old and he had down syndrome, and as much work as he was to keep up with for the hour a week I helped, I loved that kid, I prayed for him so much, and just wanted to hug him every time I saw him.  He was my little buddy!  I was always a little disappointed when he wasn't there.  This hour a week in the preschool has been so precious to me in ways that I didn't even realize.  Oh and I wasn't kidding when I said I had learned things during our Adventure Land Bible lessons, lol, wait that's not funny, I'm serious!

  So that is a little back story on where we are today, Thanksgiving outreach.  About a month ago Travis and I were approached by the youth pastor about helping with the youth group on Wednesday nights.  Since I'm a jump right in kinda girl (which let me tell you my husband absolutely adores about me, NOT) I was like oh yes, lets do it!  Then reality set in (I'm pretty sure I heard that creepy duhn, duhn, duhn music) if i felt like 5 year old kids knew more then me, then teenagers would eat me alive.  I got scared.  Real scared.  And even after doing it for a month or longer now, I'm still scared.  But I know that this is exactly where God has placed us!  I have been put right in the middle of some of the coolest kids, and adults I know that know more about the Lord then I could ever imagine knowing, but yet I feel at most peace with it then I have with anything in the entire world.  He's got this! 

Ok, so here is really how we got where we are today (I promise no more rambling about other things...I hope, I just cant help myself, its like my fingers want to type one thing and my brain says not talk about this...dang it, there I go again)  Thanksgiving outreach tonight was all of the Ark Kids and AYC volunteers and kids.  It was so cool, we mixed industrial size cans of green beans, with industrial sized cans of cream of mushroom, and table spoons of pepper (which may or may not have accidentally gotten wind blown straight up into my nose, to which I ran out of the tent and accidentally sneezed on a lady...good thing we were at church surrounded by nice people) just being there surrounded by so many people that would give their time and love and support to our community blew me away.  This was a seriously awesome display of the heart of our church, one in which I am proud to call my church family and be confident in the fact that this is EXACTLY where God has placed my and my wonderful husband! 

Babies, Baby Showers and The Truth!

  Today was a very good friend of mines, baby shower.  I seriously love seeing my old college friends and spending some time with them (even though, they did make fun of my flower arrangement, that I tried to make.)  We have all gone separate ways but we always end up back together a couple times of the year, and it seems we all just pick up where we left off.  Something comforting about having friends that you can always go "home" to.

 

  So as you may me wondering how does a person with infertility deal with all things baby (well actually probably you aren't wondering, because why would you) DISCLAIMER: Before you read this, thinking wow what a jerk, please know I AM CRAZY EXCITED FOR MY FRIENDS!  Its just that selfishly, we know that we will be faced with the all to common *elbow to the arm* "Sooooo when are you guys gonna have a baby" or my other favorite "You're next!" *wink, wink*.  Followed by the typical awkward array of responses I have come up with, including my favorites, "Well when God is ready to give us one we will take it"  or the more forward approach "We are working on it!"

Ok back on track:

  So as you can imagine I had a lot of selfish anxiety for myself, mixed with joy and happiness for my friends.  Baby showers for me are kinda like walking into a car dealership and test driving a car you really want, but knowing that it is totally out of your reach.  Once I got there everything was wonderful!  Then just as I feared (which why we fear things is beyond me because it seems what we fear is always a foreshadow into the situations that He is going to put us through, its pretty weird how that happens) the questions started coming, flying straight at me so fast I felt like I was suddenly on a paint ball battlefield dodging painful paint balls...ok, ok, I have never been on a paint ball battlefield or even been hit by a paintball, but you can imagine.  So in this moment I had a decision to make, and if our lives were as perfect as the Kay Jeweler commercials time would have stood still and I would have been able to contemplate a well thought out answer and really been able to articulate the correct response, (then given a piece of jewelry just for being awesome)...BUT, its not and instead in typical Kayla fashion I blurt out the first thing that comes to mind,  "I start invitro in February, we have tried everything, I have even had a camera in my uterus and they shot dye in my tubes."  As soon as it came out of my mouth I looked at Tiff (who you will all get to know in this because well we talk about a lot) and she looked at me and we were both a little shocked at how quickly and easily that came out, she then piped in "Oh and she has a blog and yall need to read it!"  Friends are the best!

 

 Yet again, God is so Cool!  Four months ago I would have NEVER, NEVER been so open about that, I would have skated around it and made some lame joke about how much I liked happy hours, which in all reality I maybe go to a happy hour every other month and even that is probably exaggerating.  I would have never told so many people for fear of opinions, rejection, judgement and who knows what other reason I had made up in my thick candy coated shell of a brain.  But, here I was sitting amongst people who I just shared a "secret" that I had locked up because I was to prideful to let anyone know I had a problem, and God put me here, He showed me yet again, that I can be a vessel for Him, I can tell this story and be proud that my story isn't the same as your story.  When in reality, its not mine to tell its His and even if those awful judgements did come to fruition (which totally didn't because my friends are awesome and all were super excited for us) it wouldn't matter  At my first defense, no one came to my support, but everyone deserted me.  May it not be held against them.  But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it.  And I was delivered from the lion's mouth. 2 Timothy 4: 16-17

So here there it is my friends!  Fear nothing!

You know that nagging feeling that wont go away...

Hi my name is Kayla and I have unexplained infertility.  There it is, I said it, its out, we broke the ice, whew thats always the awkward part, glad we can all breath.  So now here it is, the nity gritty, the ugly (well not necessarily ugly because I like pretty things) and the crazy thing they call infertility. 

  I have been having this feeling in my gut to start this "new" blog (because my previous sad attempt at blogging lasted about, well 3 blogs), to tell my story, something that has been a very personal, emotional, crazy thing that we have been going through for almost 2 years now.  Do I feel like this is a little nuts, OF COURSE, do I feel like this is something that should be shared with close friends and family, OF COURSE, have I put this off for months because I had a bigger plan then what the big man upstairs did, OF COURSE...but well come on guys, in the end He ALWAYS wins and we take a giant step (more of leap) out of our comfort zone (and not the your underwear are a little to tight type of uncomfort, like the I cant believe I just told you that and immediately wish I could take it back uncomfort) into an area that makes you, well down right skeered.  Some reason I feel like this is an outlet where I can be the most real I have ever been.  I don't know what purpose of this thing is going to serve, but if it only serves the purpose of being a place for me to get it all out, then I'm completely happy with that.  The only thing I know is that I have 1000000% faith that God has a purpose and until I give in and do it, that nagging feeling will not go away.

  To be honest, I'm not really sure what will be the context but I'm laying it all out, I'm tired of being embarrassed, ashamed, and even to the point of lying to people to about when we are going to have a baby.  The truth is I'M READY, but clearly He isn't!  I have been ready, I have prayed for this child for as long as I can remember.  I honestly cant remember a day when I didn't think about it, dream about it, and sometimes (ok a lot more times then I like to admit) cry about it.  I have to be honest, darn it, I'm mad about about it.  Mad at God, mad at myself, mad at my husband, mad at people who feel sorry for me, mad at people who don't feel sorry me, and well just sometimes I'm so mad for an unexplained reason I want to kick something (don't worry I will warn you if I do decide to go that route, hopefully you wont be the lucky recipient).

I'm ready, ready to tell my story, the story that is no ones but mine and was written for me before my bones were formed. by our Father who knows my thoughts before they are formed, who knows our struggles and yet forgives us for them.  My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.  When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.  All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.  Psalm 139:15-16

So as Buzz Lightyear says...To Infertility and Beyond...wait that's not it, well you get the picture.