I went to my first infertility class through my church, and very unlike my irrational fear, I did not have to stand up in front of a group and say "My name is Kayla and I'm unexplainablely infertile." No one wore a huge sign on them saying "I can't have babies", nor did we walk in crying and hugging like some may picture a bunch of women doing. Instead, I actually walked into a room with a small group of women that looked just like you and me, they worked regular jobs, none had ever been to the moon, or looked like an alien. I know this sounds silly, but the truth is, my fear had given me irrational thoughts about women with infertility and that we were all freaks that no one wanted to talk to. Instead it made me realize something that has sometimes plagued my mind, I am not alone, nor am I the only one that sometimes feels like God has forgotten them. I realized that when I have moments of weakness, and days of tears, I am not crazy. I'm not the only one that lives in a constant two week waiting cycle. I am not the only one that has had to make hard choices about seeking medical help, and I am not the only one who questions my faith or wonders if God hears my prayers.
What I also realized was that we are all in this together and that this problem effects more women that we even know. Most women, are not as open and honest about the problem and don't care to speak openly about it. I however, am true to Kayla form, am not like most women. I was very open about my feelings of being embarrassed, ashamed, and just downright mad. The truth is most women aren't this open and are what was described as "silently screaming" for help, understanding, love and support. I for one, am a rather odd case, I would say. As open as I am on this blog, I honestly can't talk about it to much, I can be super open with some, but others I feel embarrassed and don't know what to say...there you have it, I am actually experiencing something in time, where I have no words, lol. The truth is, I don't know what to say, because it seems at any moment, at any time, I could break down crying, and at other times, I am totally able to joke and laugh about it. Like I have said before, it's a roller coaster that seems to just go up and down a hill, in which sometimes you feel you are wearing a seat belt and other times you feel you aren't (which would be real scary...wonder what the screaming picture would look like of that at the end of the ride).
Now about my personal journey. I had a little melt down the other day. Period. I wish I could explain it differently, but sometimes we have to call a spade a spade, I had a childish, 5 year old melt down the other day and over what you ask, vacation. Of all things, vacation. As my sweet, patient husband was as calm as he could possibly be, with me melting down like a 5 year old in a candy store. We started talking and as I got deeper in the conversation it was quickly apparent that this infertility stuff was spilling over into other parts of my life and mind that I had no clue it even effected/affected (seriously these words are dumb, just make your own call on which one is right). It was pointed out to me by my loving husband, that in my need to control things, and clearly having no control what so ever one this issue, I was trying to control every other aspect of my life, including things that should be so much fun that no tears should ever be shed over them. One would think that would make me come to a rainbows and lollipops, type of frolicking throughout the meadow type of feeling...but, well, instead I took the "I want a puppy, and I want it now!" stance and put my biggest crybaby panties on and continued to melt down like someone took my toy.
As perfect as the timing was <insert sarcastic eye roll> With this slight malfunction of the part of the brain used to control any rational thoughts, came the moment every woman loves, I got that fun little monthly alert that my two week counting cycle, would be starting over for yet another month. Which didn't add to my melt down, as you may have guessed. So after somewhat (said loosely) pulling myself together and journaling, and taking some quiet time, I felt like God was clearly telling me "stop making this other peoples problem, and stop expecting others to do it for you" (clearly, for obvious reasons no one can do it for me, I mean, awkward) but what I understood it as, no matter how much I lean into other people for prayer, encouragement, love, and to listen. No one else can do it better then God. I honestly have to stop waiting for people to believe it for me, and believe it for myself! I also took it as this just isn't the right time for us to do the whole IVF stuff right now. Does that mean it won't come back in the future, or course it doesn't, it just means not now!
So for now I am reminding and believing for myself that God still has a plan for us, and He has given me the desire of my heart for a reason, I will be a mother one day, my story has just been written differently then others!
Psalm 37: Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.
P.S. One of the ladies in charge of the class, has a really awesome website, and I really loved this section of it. Knowing that unless you have been through it, you don't necessarily understand it, and may not always have the words to say (and really no one actually expects you to) so, here are some helpful suggestions, if you run into a friend or family member with the same problem. http://dancinguponbarrenland.
Psalm 56:3 When I am afraid, I will trust in you.
