Today was a very good friend of mines, baby shower. I seriously love seeing my old college friends and spending some time with them (even though, they did make fun of my flower arrangement, that I tried to make.) We have all gone separate ways but we always end up back together a couple times of the year, and it seems we all just pick up where we left off. Something comforting about having friends that you can always go "home" to.
So as you may me wondering how does a person with infertility deal with all things baby (well actually probably you aren't wondering, because why would you) DISCLAIMER: Before you read this, thinking wow what a jerk, please know I AM CRAZY EXCITED FOR MY FRIENDS! Its just that selfishly, we know that we will be faced with the all to common *elbow to the arm* "Sooooo when are you guys gonna have a baby" or my other favorite "You're next!" *wink, wink*. Followed by the typical awkward array of responses I have come up with, including my favorites, "Well when God is ready to give us one we will take it" or the more forward approach "We are working on it!"
Ok back on track:
So as you can imagine I had a lot of selfish anxiety for myself, mixed with joy and happiness for my friends. Baby showers for me are kinda like walking into a car dealership and test driving a car you really want, but knowing that it is totally out of your reach. Once I got there everything was wonderful! Then just as I feared (which why we fear things is beyond me because it seems what we fear is always a foreshadow into the situations that He is going to put us through, its pretty weird how that happens) the questions started coming, flying straight at me so fast I felt like I was suddenly on a paint ball battlefield dodging painful paint balls...ok, ok, I have never been on a paint ball battlefield or even been hit by a paintball, but you can imagine. So in this moment I had a decision to make, and if our lives were as perfect as the Kay Jeweler commercials time would have stood still and I would have been able to contemplate a well thought out answer and really been able to articulate the correct response, (then given a piece of jewelry just for being awesome)...BUT, its not and instead in typical Kayla fashion I blurt out the first thing that comes to mind, "I start invitro in February, we have tried everything, I have even had a camera in my uterus and they shot dye in my tubes." As soon as it came out of my mouth I looked at Tiff (who you will all get to know in this because well we talk about a lot) and she looked at me and we were both a little shocked at how quickly and easily that came out, she then piped in "Oh and she has a blog and yall need to read it!" Friends are the best!
Yet again, God is so Cool! Four months ago I would have NEVER, NEVER been so open about that, I would have skated around it and made some lame joke about how much I liked happy hours, which in all reality I maybe go to a happy hour every other month and even that is probably exaggerating. I would have never told so many people for fear of opinions, rejection, judgement and who knows what other reason I had made up in my thick candy coated shell of a brain. But, here I was sitting amongst people who I just shared a "secret" that I had locked up because I was to prideful to let anyone know I had a problem, and God put me here, He showed me yet again, that I can be a vessel for Him, I can tell this story and be proud that my story isn't the same as your story. When in reality, its not mine to tell its His and even if those awful judgements did come to fruition (which totally didn't because my friends are awesome and all were super excited for us) it wouldn't matter At my first defense, no one came to my support, but everyone deserted me. May it not be held against them. But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. And I was delivered from the lion's mouth. 2 Timothy 4: 16-17
So here there it is my friends! Fear nothing!
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