You know that nagging feeling that wont go away...

Hi my name is Kayla and I have unexplained infertility.  There it is, I said it, its out, we broke the ice, whew thats always the awkward part, glad we can all breath.  So now here it is, the nity gritty, the ugly (well not necessarily ugly because I like pretty things) and the crazy thing they call infertility. 

  I have been having this feeling in my gut to start this "new" blog (because my previous sad attempt at blogging lasted about, well 3 blogs), to tell my story, something that has been a very personal, emotional, crazy thing that we have been going through for almost 2 years now.  Do I feel like this is a little nuts, OF COURSE, do I feel like this is something that should be shared with close friends and family, OF COURSE, have I put this off for months because I had a bigger plan then what the big man upstairs did, OF COURSE...but well come on guys, in the end He ALWAYS wins and we take a giant step (more of leap) out of our comfort zone (and not the your underwear are a little to tight type of uncomfort, like the I cant believe I just told you that and immediately wish I could take it back uncomfort) into an area that makes you, well down right skeered.  Some reason I feel like this is an outlet where I can be the most real I have ever been.  I don't know what purpose of this thing is going to serve, but if it only serves the purpose of being a place for me to get it all out, then I'm completely happy with that.  The only thing I know is that I have 1000000% faith that God has a purpose and until I give in and do it, that nagging feeling will not go away.

  To be honest, I'm not really sure what will be the context but I'm laying it all out, I'm tired of being embarrassed, ashamed, and even to the point of lying to people to about when we are going to have a baby.  The truth is I'M READY, but clearly He isn't!  I have been ready, I have prayed for this child for as long as I can remember.  I honestly cant remember a day when I didn't think about it, dream about it, and sometimes (ok a lot more times then I like to admit) cry about it.  I have to be honest, darn it, I'm mad about about it.  Mad at God, mad at myself, mad at my husband, mad at people who feel sorry for me, mad at people who don't feel sorry me, and well just sometimes I'm so mad for an unexplained reason I want to kick something (don't worry I will warn you if I do decide to go that route, hopefully you wont be the lucky recipient).

I'm ready, ready to tell my story, the story that is no ones but mine and was written for me before my bones were formed. by our Father who knows my thoughts before they are formed, who knows our struggles and yet forgives us for them.  My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.  When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.  All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.  Psalm 139:15-16

So as Buzz Lightyear says...To Infertility and Beyond...wait that's not it, well you get the picture.