Well this week has been a whirl wind of amazingness! Food, food, food, food, family, food, shopping, left overs and Christmas movie marathons. We hosted our first Thanksgiving this year, which if I must say so myself was a complete success! Besides the fact that we didn't have near enough chairs, and my oven was on from Wednesday afternoon until Thursday afternoon, and that I completely misjudged drinks for everyone and ran out, I have to say I was pretty awesome, lol. Its good thing my family is awesome and no one cared. Thursday morning I had a great idea, that Travis and I would wake up and run a 5 mile race, so that I could eat what I wanted that afternoon. I had a mini panic attack that I wasnt going to have time for everything, but low and behold I forced myself to be organized and I got everything done...amazing what organization can do for you.
Along with Thanksgiving being all up in my face. There was also a huge elephant in the room, the one that comes every month, you know the one that helps us remember we are "lucky" to be women (which on a totally random tangent, someone PLEASE explain to me why everyone looks so happy and perfect in tampon commercials, says the girl layed up on the couch in fat pants and no makeup) ugh. Anyways, back to the elephant in the room. This week every month I am always on the edge, analyzing every little thing about my body. Its actually hard to explain if you have never been through it, but Im hoping that I am normal when I say that I always think everything means Im pregnant. Its kinda sad to admit this, but I am so desperate to be pregnant I have made ever possible feeling a symptom of pregnancy in my head...sadly I have had silly thoughts like "hhhmmm, thats odd, I have never burped after eating yogurt" or "ok this is crazy, my left boob feels different then normal" I mean come on, who can even remember those things. Well this month, I did have something a little different happen that doesn't normally, maybe TMI, but well who cares. My boobs were EXTREMELY sore for a couple weeks, like so sore it hurt to sleep. And normally they get sore, like most women but not for extended periods of time like this month. So for someone like me who has been analyzing this for a couple years now, and never remembered this happening, Im not going to lie, I kinda let my self get a little excited. I really thought this was it, this could be the month. So besides, Thanksgiving all week, it was on my mind more then normal. I didn't want to tell anyone, because I didn't want the hopeful pep talks and then have to tell people it didn't happen again, but inside I was a ball of emotions. Now I knew that it would or wouldn't happen on Saturday (because seriously yall, I am like clock work, Im pretty sure when they made the 28 day calendar, they went off of me) so I just impatiently waited. I even did something I never let myself do. I looked up on the internet pregnancy syptoms, which of course I figured out a way that I had all of them. IevenlookedupwaystoannounceIwaspregnant...can't believe I admitted that, lol. Now you may be thinking, why didn't you just take a test, well I learned very early on, NOT to do that. You know when there is one brownie left and you have thought about it all day, and when you get home someone ate it? Times that let down, a billion and there you have my reaction to a negative pregnancy test, lol, so its just best I don't do it.
Well turns out I wasn't, got my lucky little gift this morning, on Saturday, like I said. At first I had a sinking feeling and felt a little sorry for myself (yes its my party, and I will cry if I want to) it was just supposed to be my time, I did what I was supposed to, I have held up my end of the deal, why isnt God? This baby will have a good home, it will be loved more then words can explain (it already is), it has a name, it has a room, it has everything it needs. I did what I was supposed to do, why isn't this working. And seriously of all days, this had to happen on a gloomy rainy day (even more of a good combination for feeling sorry for yourself, lol).
However those feelings will only last as long as I let them. I picked myself up and made myself go out side in the rain and do the very last thing I wanted to do, run. I ran, and I ran, and I got soaked, as the rain picked up so did my tears and so did my pleading...well more like arguing with God. Then something happened, that stopped me nearly in my tracks...well I didn't really stop, I mean God likes to talk to me, but surely he didnt want me more soaked then I was, sooooo I ran a little slower...I remembered that I wasnt giving God the glory for the things I had, so there on the street in front of my house I started lising things out in my head that I had:
A wonderful husband
A wonderful family
A home for a baby to come home to one day
The best friends in the world {I know thats cliche to say, but seriously I really do, yall are awesome}
A job
An awesome church family
My health, duh Im running (well not now, but this was earlier)
My puppies
However most importantly I have a God that loves me! He has given me everything on the above list, and until I am happy with that, what will I ever be happy with? I am happy with the life God has given me and if a baby is never in my future I know that there is another amazing plan for me, and for that I am satisfied!
Now dont go thinking that I am perfect at this, I hope to not stumble on this, but I can't promise I wont have another day of tears. Thank you Father for the mercy to pick me back up and put me back on track again and again!
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
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