Well, here we are, a full year after I first shared our journey. Another year with no baby, and lot less in the bank account, lol, you would think that should be going the other way, but that isn't how Nemecs do stuff. 2012 was an interesting year, it was my 29th year of life, Travis' 30th. It started much like this one, full of hope, joy and excitement to see what the future would hold. Little did we know what a rollercoaster it would be.
It would be easy for us to look at this past year as a horrible year. I mean strange things happened to us. It all started with the spray nozzle. That thing flew off our the faucet in our kitchen soaking everything, and requiring the whole sink to be replaced, Travis' Ford truck made its final hoorah, our washing machine flooded the entire downstairs, we had to replace the floors and insurance didn't cover it (thankful for new floors, thankful for new floors, just keep repeating it Kayla) we had two failed fertility treatments, I broke my tooth (...eating brown sugar from a spoon...ok I finally admitted how it happened, geez people stop making me feel guilty for secrets), job changes, my car nearly made it last hoorah, it was down for 2 weeks (luckily it was revived, praise God), Travis blew out his ankle (just a side note, when he was walking out the door he jokingly said "hope I don't break my ankle, since you aren't coming to the game" to which I replied "don't speak that over yourself" Moral: always listen to me), we replaced the washing machine to which the very next week the dryer nozzle broke off, leaving us turning the handle with pliers (and I refuse to replace a working dryer just because it doesn't have a nozzle, so come over borrow it all you want, but know it ain't pretty), I got food poisoning the day before vacation and nearly had to cancel, and last but not least our dog nearly died...or so we thought, and after a $500 dollar vet bill, we learned she was just nervous about something and the x-rays and test were totally unnecessary (awesome).
After actually typing that out I cant help but hysterically laugh, I mean seriously, how does all that happen in one year? Oh wait, it only happens to us. Again, I understand why God gave us both a sense of humor, because we had to learn to laugh at stuff. Because lets be honest, its all just stuff (well except the tooth, that is sort of needed, and our dog, we kind of love her). Absolutely none of that stuff is life threatening, or made us lose sight of the most important thing in our lives, God. Though at times I thought I lost sight of my sanity...
Now it wouldn't be fair to say that is was all horrible, 2012 was also a year for friendships, and solid ones! We made so many UH-MAZING new friends, and strengthened our bonds with old ones. I can't even begin to explain how thankful we are to have our friends in our lives, we love each of you so much! We were also blessed to be able to take a trip to Cozumel, Maui (definitely strengthened the bond with The Lotts, they are pretty much stuck with us for life, we love the three of you sooo much), San Fransisco, and ended in New York. Babies we LOVE were born, Tate (got to sit in the hospital for this sweet baby to come into the world), Naomi, and Dylan (can't believe you guys are almost 1, crazy). We got a new truck, and we didn't have to buy a new SUV! We met goals at work, in our personal lives, and we just plain ole grew up a little. I turned 30 (I'm trying to spin that to be positive, I originally had it in the negatives, lol)
I guess what all this is trying to say is 2012 for us was a trying year, a year that like I said could easily be looked at as not so much our finest hour. However, today as I reflected back on the year, I was overcome by a since of joy. Though the last year, wasn't always rosey and made for TV movie perfect, we were given so much favor and grace over our lives it is unreal. We learned to be thankful for things we easily took for granted. Though there were many times when I looked up at God, crying for mercy, crying for a change, crying for an answered prayer or thought he wasn't showing up for me, the truth was He was there the whole time. He was always with us, He showed up with the money when we needed it, He showed up with the perfect friend or family member to get us through certain spots, He showed up in BIG ways, but most importantly He showed up in our marriage, strengthening us and making our bond tighter then before. I can say, not everything happened that I wanted in 2012 but that doesn't mean that there wasn't a reason for it, or that it wasn't a great year.
So, today as I write about 2012, and think about 2013, I cant help but think why do we need the change of a minute to restart our thoughts and bring back that hope and excitement? Why do we put so much pressure on a date? What is it about New Years that revives us? What is going to change over a night, we woke up in the same house we always wake up in, we ate the same cereal we always eat, and even showered in the same shower as yesterday (wellllllll, I mean that is if I would have showered OR changed out of pajamas today...hey I'm just being honest) As I started thinking about 2013, I couldn't help but think what does a day matter? So my goal for 2013 is to keep the joy, and thankfulness for all things, and stop pressuring myself about time, time frames, age, or schedules. I don't want to bank on the future to give me hope and joy, I want to live in the hope and joy I have at this very moment (even the joy of a snoring husband beside me) I want to focus on my marriage and my God. I want to have so much hope, joy and excitement everyday that Jan. 1, 2014 will be just another day, not a new beginning, because we get that every morning!
So join Travis and I in praying these scriptures for a great 2013!
Lamentations 3:22-23 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
Matthew 6: 33-34 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all theses things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Psalm 71:14 But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.
PS. Oh and the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, last year we ate black eyed peas and cabbage for luck (well we see where that got us, lol), but this year we are relying on God!
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Monday, September 10, 2012
This aint my party to plan.
Wow been awhile. Been a crazy summer, a summer of change, a summer of emotions, a summer of busy, and summer of just simply being so overwhelmed with life.
I think that we have had one of the busiest summers of my life. I haven't blogged in a while because I wasn't ready to tell our summer story. Since I started this blog I have promised to be open and honest and tell our story, but I guess this summer was something I had never dreamed I'd be writing about. But now I realize it is just another chapter in our story, and I'm happy to announce we lived through it! Now I will warn you this is candid, raw and honest. It is the truth.
Well to spare you ALL the details and to keep this somewhat to the point, I will tell you that we had our first IUI fertility treatment in June, sadly we got the all to familiar big fat negative. I was a mess, I think I pretty well held it together in front of people, BUT when I was alone, at home, in my car, in the shower, saw a baby in Target, I just lost it. I had planned it all out, everything was set, the time was right, the cost was right, the odds were in every way in my favor. Except one huge thing was missing. Why was God doing this? Where was my miracle baby? Where was my happy ending? I didn't get those answers, I wanted those answers, I still don't have those answers. What I did have was a big mess of myself, a fake smile, a rehearsed line about how I would be ok, a mad spirit and a giant whole in my heart.
So after a few days...ok like a week...or more, whose counting...ugh pathetic...let just not worry about how long it was, lol, I pulled it together posted some fake sappy blog about how it would all be ok and we decided to try again in July. This time, was different it was going to work, I mean "statistically it takes more then one time, the average person takes 3 times" blah, blah, blah...I totally suckered myself intoreading studying every word of that crap, and sadly started believing it as my truth. So we put our brave faces on and went back to the doctor, and when I tell you everything that possibly could have gone wrong, did go wrong. It was a stressful morning, to say the least. But I made up my mind, this was happening. Period. Done. Check Please. I decided it was right and that was just going to have to be ok. God would just have to understand.
Before I continue, I know that none of you would ever do what I did and tell God what he was going to do for you, because just take it from me, its taken me a very long journey, a lot of struggle and lot of being broken down to finally understand that this ain't my party to plan. Just learn from my mistakes.
Anyways, back to the procedure, we started in on the two week wait, I continued my fake act, my fake smile accompanied by something profound (ok, stop laughing, I don't think I have had a profound thought in my life)I continued to go to church, to pray my same prayer of Thank you God that you WILL give us this baby (see how even I spun that to what I wanted), I continued the same fake life just as I did before, as if I was some freak of nature who could just blow it off and make a joke of it, and if anyone mentioned anything "Oh what are you talking about, I'm not even thinking about it at all" WRONG...I'm surprised I was able to form coherent sentences around the giant cassette player in my brain that was on repeat, replaying every pregnancy symptom ever listed on any list known to man...of course I obviously had them all, I was just waiting to start showing in those 14 days.
That was until day 11, I was at church and during worship it hit me, like smacked me in the face hit me. I realized right then and there I'm not the creator I'm the vessel, Travis isn't the creator, the doctor especially isn't either. None of us can plan the party, if you will, without the ultimate event planner. At that exact moment I knew the treatment didn't work, I can't explain it, I wont try, but I wouldn't take a test, I didn't have a peace about it, and so I didn't. Just as I knew it would, it happened just like every other month, but strangely enough I didn't freak out, I was upset but I was ok.
Now this hit me hard, I was a mess again but for another reason. I realized in that moment I had put everything I wanted ahead of everything God wanted, I hadn't looked for His will I just told him what I was going to do and then prayed for the outcome I wanted. I fell to my knees and asked forgiveness, repented for my selfishness, my need to control, and for my plain ol' untrusting heart. I finally understood why I kept understanding Sarah's story, before I was kind of like, obviously that's the ultimate fertility story, but Im not that old, and I wont be that old when I have a baby. But I finally got that I had put so much pressure on myself and God about getting pregnant before I turned 30 because I would be so "old" and my dreams would never come true. I was basically, like Sarah, laughing at God, not trusting, just planning. Somehow, somewhere in the place I needed Him the most, I completely shut him out. I was trying to be the creator, I was trying to make things happen that weren't in his will for me. I lost my promises, I was focusing on what he didn't provide me, instead of what He does. Instead of waking up thanking him, I was waking up telling him what he was going to do. I was asking for prayer, but wasn't properly doing it myself.
Talk about a realization that will make you fall on your knees. Talk about something super painful and embarrassing to write. I had completely shut God out. Yet God never gave up on me, he never let me go. My friend Blaine said something to me just this weekend that resonated with me and I think is what has helped me be ready to tell the story of our summer. She said "I hate when people say, God will never give you more then you can handle, He will totally give you more, because that is when we fall to our knees and realize we can't make it without him and need Him the most."
I know He has brought me a long ways, in just this short amount of time but I also know that there is still a long way to go, God is dealing with me in his own way and showing me new things daily. As far as fertility treatments go, I can't say what is in our future, Im obviously not against it and we may do them again, but what I can say is that I want to live in God's will for my life and I will be listening much more then telling in the future.
Thank you God that you are a merciful Father that sent his only son to die on the cross for our sins and that you love us enough to forgive us even when we are ungrateful brats.
Isaiah 40:28-31
28 Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.29 He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.30 Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;31 but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.
I think that we have had one of the busiest summers of my life. I haven't blogged in a while because I wasn't ready to tell our summer story. Since I started this blog I have promised to be open and honest and tell our story, but I guess this summer was something I had never dreamed I'd be writing about. But now I realize it is just another chapter in our story, and I'm happy to announce we lived through it! Now I will warn you this is candid, raw and honest. It is the truth.
Well to spare you ALL the details and to keep this somewhat to the point, I will tell you that we had our first IUI fertility treatment in June, sadly we got the all to familiar big fat negative. I was a mess, I think I pretty well held it together in front of people, BUT when I was alone, at home, in my car, in the shower, saw a baby in Target, I just lost it. I had planned it all out, everything was set, the time was right, the cost was right, the odds were in every way in my favor. Except one huge thing was missing. Why was God doing this? Where was my miracle baby? Where was my happy ending? I didn't get those answers, I wanted those answers, I still don't have those answers. What I did have was a big mess of myself, a fake smile, a rehearsed line about how I would be ok, a mad spirit and a giant whole in my heart.
So after a few days...ok like a week...or more, whose counting...ugh pathetic...let just not worry about how long it was, lol, I pulled it together posted some fake sappy blog about how it would all be ok and we decided to try again in July. This time, was different it was going to work, I mean "statistically it takes more then one time, the average person takes 3 times" blah, blah, blah...I totally suckered myself into
Before I continue, I know that none of you would ever do what I did and tell God what he was going to do for you, because just take it from me, its taken me a very long journey, a lot of struggle and lot of being broken down to finally understand that this ain't my party to plan. Just learn from my mistakes.
Anyways, back to the procedure, we started in on the two week wait, I continued my fake act, my fake smile accompanied by something profound (ok, stop laughing, I don't think I have had a profound thought in my life)I continued to go to church, to pray my same prayer of Thank you God that you WILL give us this baby (see how even I spun that to what I wanted), I continued the same fake life just as I did before, as if I was some freak of nature who could just blow it off and make a joke of it, and if anyone mentioned anything "Oh what are you talking about, I'm not even thinking about it at all" WRONG...I'm surprised I was able to form coherent sentences around the giant cassette player in my brain that was on repeat, replaying every pregnancy symptom ever listed on any list known to man...of course I obviously had them all, I was just waiting to start showing in those 14 days.
That was until day 11, I was at church and during worship it hit me, like smacked me in the face hit me. I realized right then and there I'm not the creator I'm the vessel, Travis isn't the creator, the doctor especially isn't either. None of us can plan the party, if you will, without the ultimate event planner. At that exact moment I knew the treatment didn't work, I can't explain it, I wont try, but I wouldn't take a test, I didn't have a peace about it, and so I didn't. Just as I knew it would, it happened just like every other month, but strangely enough I didn't freak out, I was upset but I was ok.
Now this hit me hard, I was a mess again but for another reason. I realized in that moment I had put everything I wanted ahead of everything God wanted, I hadn't looked for His will I just told him what I was going to do and then prayed for the outcome I wanted. I fell to my knees and asked forgiveness, repented for my selfishness, my need to control, and for my plain ol' untrusting heart. I finally understood why I kept understanding Sarah's story, before I was kind of like, obviously that's the ultimate fertility story, but Im not that old, and I wont be that old when I have a baby. But I finally got that I had put so much pressure on myself and God about getting pregnant before I turned 30 because I would be so "old" and my dreams would never come true. I was basically, like Sarah, laughing at God, not trusting, just planning. Somehow, somewhere in the place I needed Him the most, I completely shut him out. I was trying to be the creator, I was trying to make things happen that weren't in his will for me. I lost my promises, I was focusing on what he didn't provide me, instead of what He does. Instead of waking up thanking him, I was waking up telling him what he was going to do. I was asking for prayer, but wasn't properly doing it myself.
Talk about a realization that will make you fall on your knees. Talk about something super painful and embarrassing to write. I had completely shut God out. Yet God never gave up on me, he never let me go. My friend Blaine said something to me just this weekend that resonated with me and I think is what has helped me be ready to tell the story of our summer. She said "I hate when people say, God will never give you more then you can handle, He will totally give you more, because that is when we fall to our knees and realize we can't make it without him and need Him the most."
I know He has brought me a long ways, in just this short amount of time but I also know that there is still a long way to go, God is dealing with me in his own way and showing me new things daily. As far as fertility treatments go, I can't say what is in our future, Im obviously not against it and we may do them again, but what I can say is that I want to live in God's will for my life and I will be listening much more then telling in the future.
Thank you God that you are a merciful Father that sent his only son to die on the cross for our sins and that you love us enough to forgive us even when we are ungrateful brats.
Isaiah 40:28-31
28 Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.29 He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.30 Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;31 but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Today is the day the Lord has made!
This morning we had some news that could be well for lack of better terms discouraging. So I started my day by laying in my bed, deciding how the rest of the day would go. I made a decision this morning that I would not let the enemy win this one, that would push through the hurt and pain and feelings of wanting to lay in my floor for the rest of the day and cry about how sorry I felt for myself...which I wont lie, I have done. Instead I decided to raise my hands and praise Him for the things I had, not beg for the things I didn't have.
As I lay in bed and listened to Kari Jobe "You are for me" I realized that God doesn't do things TO us, he does things FOR us. We live in a fallen world where things happen that aren't of God, we don't understand them or like them. Cancer, Infertility, Murders, etc...but to me those are the moments, that we must stand up for what we know and that is that He is a big God and though things happen, that we don't like, or want, it isn't God doing it to us. In our case, I know that God is not causing our baby issues, he wants to and will give me the desires of my heart. The word says Worship the Lord your God, and his blessing will be on your food and water. I will take away sickness from among you, and none will miscarry or be barren in your land. I will give you a full life span. Exodus 23:25-26 but what is doesn't say is that every women will get exactly what she wants when she wants (which...sometimes OK all the time I wish was in there...and trust me I have read that over and over hoping it will one day appear, obviously it hasn't)
The truth is that I know there is a plan that to bluntly put is not for me to know, it is for me to trust. So for today I choose to trust, and not figure out, or be in the know. The more Travis and I choose to dwell on the past, the bad, the things we have done just puts the enemy in a spot he loves, control of our thoughts....and this is something I refuse to do!!
Through the hard times and the good times we must all choose to believe that God is still God and that is forever unchanged, which is something that is just completely up to us. It is never forced on us, nor does or should it be a source of guilt, God lets us make our own decisions and we must choose to believe that He loves us and what the word says are promises to us. Why that is sometimes so hard to do, I don't know, why do I sometimes question or worry, baffles me, because in my heart and every ounce of my being I know He is there, I know he will never leave me or forsake me. I know he has written promises on my heart and they will be fulfilled!
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12
Thank you all for your prayers and continuing to believe with us that this will happen!! I've never been a quitter and don't intend to start now!
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Oh its Mothers Day, again
Wow what a crazy past few weeks. I have been from Brenham, to Dallas, to Cozumel. Now Im not complaining (well I will say that I could have done without the stomach flu, in the middle of all that) just trying to stop and breathe. I am finally home and glad to be here...well I will be tomorrow. Not that I don't want to be home, I just wish that I could have stayed gone one more day instead of coming back to reality on today of all days.
Now I don't mean that to sound like a whiney little cry baby, I mean not completely, but sometimes I just wanna. I woke up today, feeling ok, I was feeling like I could conquer the world. I prepared myself for the endless, Happy Mothers Days, they see my face and ask "are you a mother?" and then finally end it with an endearing "next year will be your year". Not that anyone ever, ever means these things to be mean, or hurtful, I do realize that. It's just that Mothers Day for a lady trying to conceive is exactly what Valentines is to a single person, a made up commercial holiday, that reminds you exactly what you don't have. So once I got to church, this morning, after a long prayer on the way, I parked and was greeted at my car by a sweet cart driver who started right off the bat with a "HAPPY MOTHERS DAY", I smiled and said thank you (in my head I was like "Ok God"), because I was ready for it...right. Then I walked in the door to another, hey happy mothers day, again, smile, and nod. Then on to another, and another. I then walked out the door to a sweet little boy trying to hand me a rose for mothers day, who I politely declined. By the time I left work today, I was ready to pull into the nearest grocery store, buy some oreos, mint chocolate chip ice cream and a bunch of milky ways, to enjoy while I went home and deleted everyone on face book that was expecting, or had recently had a baby in the last, oh 10 years. Lol! Don't worry, I didn't do that.
Instead, I said "self, you are thinking of your self and not Him" After all, I have been given a promise, I have been given the choice to choose how I react, and I have been given grace to be forgiven for my thoughts and ill feelings. So I put myself together and stopped thinking of myself and started putting my thoughts where they needed to be. When I finally put my mind back into where it needed to be, God reminded me of Matthew 17:20 He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here and there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." To which I realized, that even on the days that I did not feel like my faith would move a mountain, I still had power ove the enemy and my thoughts, and even on the days when I didn't feel like praising and praying, and more like crying and eating junk, that those were the days it was most important for me to focus on God and focus on the promises I have been given. God hasn't forgotten me, he hasn't left me, and he will never expect me to forge through the tears and bad days alone. So moms to be, I tell you we will make it! Once we realize that God is all we need, that is where we will find peace.
And to all my favorite mommies, and mommies to be, I pray that you were pampered and loved today, and that you enjoyed your babies and held them a little tighter! Happy mothers day, I am truly happy for each of you!
On a lighter note, here's a great picture of me and Momma! Love her! http://instagr.am/p/KlYHn4CeTm/
For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. Romans 8:24-25
Monday, April 9, 2012
Duh, dummy
HELLO, HELLO, HELLO... If I could make a blog echo for a grand entrance I would...but I can't so you just have to deal with my typing it (and giggling to myself while thinking about it).
Y'all I am tired, like tripped on the stairs at work today (4 times, luckily no one was counting), drank 3 LARGE cups of coffee, and walked in a circle 3 times around Target, because I couldn't' remember what I went for, tired. Working for a church during the super bowl known as Easter, makes you a tid bit sleepy. The weird thing is I am more tired today then any of last week. I think it's because last week my body knew the work had to be done, no excuses, and now my mind and body are like "ENOUGH! I NEED TO STOP FUNCTIONING." However, my lack of sleep was worth watching what God did for our church this week, we were able to cook, and feed over 10,000 meals ANNNNDDDD, there was a record number of people give their life to Christ!!! Praise God! I actually got the pleasure of talking to a couple of the people who decided to change their life and I can not even tell you how cool that was! (I know I'm using a lot of exclamations, which is normal, but this time it is totally appropriate, we can never be too excited about watching God do miracles!)
As I reflect on Easter and the meaning, it kinda makes me feel a little dumb. I know that sounds weird, but the truth is it makes me feel real dumb. First I feel dumb for ever feeling like since I came to Christ later in life that I wasn't as good as people who were raised in church...that actually sounds more ridiculous now that I have actually typed it out. But, honestly, I have some severe insecurity over my faith sometimes and not being as "smart" as others and not knowing every story in the bible, or being able to quote every scripture (and in the light of honesty, sometimes I actually have to flip through the pages discretely to find the book I'm looking for...don't tell anyone). However during this weekend, I was sweetly reminded that when I was saved and asked Jesus into my heart that I was a new creation in Christ. I was, am, and always will be learning and growing and seeking. As I watched people make decisions for Christ, I watched a boulder lift off their shoulders, I was hit with the love of Christ who showed me the story of the sacrifice, the blood and the price that was paid to wash us clean of our yesterday and make us new today. Sometimes I allow the enemy to smack me right in the gut with what hurts the most, and that is what makes me feel the dumbest. God excepted me right where I was, He has never forced me, never made me feel guilty, nor as He ever made me feel dumb. Most importantly, He loves me just as I am!
So for my second, wow I feel like a dummy, revelation. Since God has excepted me just as I am, I need to except him just as He is, which is perfect, and all knowing. Yeah kinda hard to argue that, right. Well if you know me, you know that, well, ugh your going to make me say it aren't you...I will argue with a brick wall to get my way...stop hounding me OK, I said it. I realized that I have been trying to tell God what would be a cool story for my life. I have had all the answers and have been telling Him the way it should go. Like, "OK, God, listen you gave me this job, now lets top it off with me getting pregnant. I can see it now, you would be a hero!" I have worked out the story and explained to God that if he would do it my way, it would make the story awesome. Yeah, you see why I feel dumb? I keep trying to tell Him how big he could be, instead of just taking in how big is already is. I now realize that while we don't know Gods plan for our lives, he is always in control. He has counted my tears before be I cried them, he has not only counted the hairs on my head, but has also counted the hairs on my child's head. His plan and timing is perfect for not only my life, but the life of our one day child!
Thank you lord for you your promises!
Enter his gates with thanksgiving
and his courts with praise;
give thanks to him and praise his name.
For the Lord is good and his love endures forever;
his faithfulness continues through all generations.
http://bible.us/Ps100.4.NIV84
Y'all I am tired, like tripped on the stairs at work today (4 times, luckily no one was counting), drank 3 LARGE cups of coffee, and walked in a circle 3 times around Target, because I couldn't' remember what I went for, tired. Working for a church during the super bowl known as Easter, makes you a tid bit sleepy. The weird thing is I am more tired today then any of last week. I think it's because last week my body knew the work had to be done, no excuses, and now my mind and body are like "ENOUGH! I NEED TO STOP FUNCTIONING." However, my lack of sleep was worth watching what God did for our church this week, we were able to cook, and feed over 10,000 meals ANNNNDDDD, there was a record number of people give their life to Christ!!! Praise God! I actually got the pleasure of talking to a couple of the people who decided to change their life and I can not even tell you how cool that was! (I know I'm using a lot of exclamations, which is normal, but this time it is totally appropriate, we can never be too excited about watching God do miracles!)
As I reflect on Easter and the meaning, it kinda makes me feel a little dumb. I know that sounds weird, but the truth is it makes me feel real dumb. First I feel dumb for ever feeling like since I came to Christ later in life that I wasn't as good as people who were raised in church...that actually sounds more ridiculous now that I have actually typed it out. But, honestly, I have some severe insecurity over my faith sometimes and not being as "smart" as others and not knowing every story in the bible, or being able to quote every scripture (and in the light of honesty, sometimes I actually have to flip through the pages discretely to find the book I'm looking for...don't tell anyone). However during this weekend, I was sweetly reminded that when I was saved and asked Jesus into my heart that I was a new creation in Christ. I was, am, and always will be learning and growing and seeking. As I watched people make decisions for Christ, I watched a boulder lift off their shoulders, I was hit with the love of Christ who showed me the story of the sacrifice, the blood and the price that was paid to wash us clean of our yesterday and make us new today. Sometimes I allow the enemy to smack me right in the gut with what hurts the most, and that is what makes me feel the dumbest. God excepted me right where I was, He has never forced me, never made me feel guilty, nor as He ever made me feel dumb. Most importantly, He loves me just as I am!
So for my second, wow I feel like a dummy, revelation. Since God has excepted me just as I am, I need to except him just as He is, which is perfect, and all knowing. Yeah kinda hard to argue that, right. Well if you know me, you know that, well, ugh your going to make me say it aren't you...I will argue with a brick wall to get my way...stop hounding me OK, I said it. I realized that I have been trying to tell God what would be a cool story for my life. I have had all the answers and have been telling Him the way it should go. Like, "OK, God, listen you gave me this job, now lets top it off with me getting pregnant. I can see it now, you would be a hero!" I have worked out the story and explained to God that if he would do it my way, it would make the story awesome. Yeah, you see why I feel dumb? I keep trying to tell Him how big he could be, instead of just taking in how big is already is. I now realize that while we don't know Gods plan for our lives, he is always in control. He has counted my tears before be I cried them, he has not only counted the hairs on my head, but has also counted the hairs on my child's head. His plan and timing is perfect for not only my life, but the life of our one day child!
Thank you lord for you your promises!
Enter his gates with thanksgiving
and his courts with praise;
give thanks to him and praise his name.
For the Lord is good and his love endures forever;
his faithfulness continues through all generations.
http://bible.us/Ps100.4.NIV84
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Infertility Anonymous
Well friends, I don't really have a great introduction for this, seems my witty-ness has witted out, and I have wittle to say...ok, ok, I realize how lame that is, and will stop, I also realize you don't believe I have little to say. (But I can't promise it won't come back, lame seems to be my middle name) Lol!
I went to my first infertility class through my church, and very unlike my irrational fear, I did not have to stand up in front of a group and say "My name is Kayla and I'm unexplainablely infertile." No one wore a huge sign on them saying "I can't have babies", nor did we walk in crying and hugging like some may picture a bunch of women doing. Instead, I actually walked into a room with a small group of women that looked just like you and me, they worked regular jobs, none had ever been to the moon, or looked like an alien. I know this sounds silly, but the truth is, my fear had given me irrational thoughts about women with infertility and that we were all freaks that no one wanted to talk to. Instead it made me realize something that has sometimes plagued my mind, I am not alone, nor am I the only one that sometimes feels like God has forgotten them. I realized that when I have moments of weakness, and days of tears, I am not crazy. I'm not the only one that lives in a constant two week waiting cycle. I am not the only one that has had to make hard choices about seeking medical help, and I am not the only one who questions my faith or wonders if God hears my prayers.
What I also realized was that we are all in this together and that this problem effects more women that we even know. Most women, are not as open and honest about the problem and don't care to speak openly about it. I however, am true to Kayla form, am not like most women. I was very open about my feelings of being embarrassed, ashamed, and just downright mad. The truth is most women aren't this open and are what was described as "silently screaming" for help, understanding, love and support. I for one, am a rather odd case, I would say. As open as I am on this blog, I honestly can't talk about it to much, I can be super open with some, but others I feel embarrassed and don't know what to say...there you have it, I am actually experiencing something in time, where I have no words, lol. The truth is, I don't know what to say, because it seems at any moment, at any time, I could break down crying, and at other times, I am totally able to joke and laugh about it. Like I have said before, it's a roller coaster that seems to just go up and down a hill, in which sometimes you feel you are wearing a seat belt and other times you feel you aren't (which would be real scary...wonder what the screaming picture would look like of that at the end of the ride).
Now about my personal journey. I had a little melt down the other day. Period. I wish I could explain it differently, but sometimes we have to call a spade a spade, I had a childish, 5 year old melt down the other day and over what you ask, vacation. Of all things, vacation. As my sweet, patient husband was as calm as he could possibly be, with me melting down like a 5 year old in a candy store. We started talking and as I got deeper in the conversation it was quickly apparent that this infertility stuff was spilling over into other parts of my life and mind that I had no clue it even effected/affected (seriously these words are dumb, just make your own call on which one is right). It was pointed out to me by my loving husband, that in my need to control things, and clearly having no control what so ever one this issue, I was trying to control every other aspect of my life, including things that should be so much fun that no tears should ever be shed over them. One would think that would make me come to a rainbows and lollipops, type of frolicking throughout the meadow type of feeling...but, well, instead I took the "I want a puppy, and I want it now!" stance and put my biggest crybaby panties on and continued to melt down like someone took my toy.
As perfect as the timing was <insert sarcastic eye roll> With this slight malfunction of the part of the brain used to control any rational thoughts, came the moment every woman loves, I got that fun little monthly alert that my two week counting cycle, would be starting over for yet another month. Which didn't add to my melt down, as you may have guessed. So after somewhat (said loosely) pulling myself together and journaling, and taking some quiet time, I felt like God was clearly telling me "stop making this other peoples problem, and stop expecting others to do it for you" (clearly, for obvious reasons no one can do it for me, I mean, awkward) but what I understood it as, no matter how much I lean into other people for prayer, encouragement, love, and to listen. No one else can do it better then God. I honestly have to stop waiting for people to believe it for me, and believe it for myself! I also took it as this just isn't the right time for us to do the whole IVF stuff right now. Does that mean it won't come back in the future, or course it doesn't, it just means not now!
So for now I am reminding and believing for myself that God still has a plan for us, and He has given me the desire of my heart for a reason, I will be a mother one day, my story has just been written differently then others!
Psalm 37: Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.
P.S. One of the ladies in charge of the class, has a really awesome website, and I really loved this section of it. Knowing that unless you have been through it, you don't necessarily understand it, and may not always have the words to say (and really no one actually expects you to) so, here are some helpful suggestions, if you run into a friend or family member with the same problem. http://dancinguponbarrenland.
Psalm 56:3 When I am afraid, I will trust in you.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Mama said if you can't say nothing nice, don't say nothing at all.
I don't know if you have noticed, and I don't mean to brag, but well, I am EXTREMELY talented at taking huge breaks in blogging. It isn't that I don't have things to say, because if you know me, or if you don't, you probably know or have figured that there have been maybe 3 (and that is being generous) times in my life that I have not had anything to say about any subject. Which actually brings me to the topic of this blog.
I have had a pretty eventful couple of weeks, I started my new job, IT IS AWESOME! I ran a 10K race, fastest time I have ever had! My best friend Tiff and I went to a women's retreat, God is good! And I think we had every single person we have ever come into contact with over for dinner, which I'm a hostess at heart and love it. Even though none of those things have anything even remotely in common, oddly enough have all had one theme that has been brought up in some form or another in them all, and that is watch your words.
I know you're thinking, DUH, watch your words, I learned that when I was 3. BUT did you? OK maybe you did, but I realized I haven't, I haven't at all. I have talked about it, I have thought about it, I have read about it, my mama told me to do it, but I certainly ain't doin' it. Literally in the last 3 weeks, I have been reminded in every single daily activity I have done. You ever get that throw your hands up in the air and scream "I get it" feeling? Well I did and I finally gave in and decided to try it. Do you know how hard it is, to speak good things and not bad, to be deliberately thankful, and to want to say something nice sometimes? Of course, this is probably something that comes naturally to you, and you are reading this thinking I'm a negative Nancy and need to get over myself. But humor me and keep reading. Sometimes for me I think that it is just plain ole easier to look at the situation and just be in it, not really happy or sad but just be in it. It's hard work to be thankful in situations that you aren't to thrilled about...AND here is the kicker, actually mean it. Its hard for me to want to be thankful to God when my plan doesn't match His. Its hard to change my thinking to praise God for his timing that is more perfect then mine. After all why do I want to be thankful when I'm not getting my way? Well, I don't. That's exactly why God has put it in my face every step I take. I have had to be honest with myself, real honest, and in those un-thankful moments, stop myself dead in my tracks and reverse my thinking, I promise this is harder then it sounds, because it comes more natural to us to be negative and focus on the sickness, the house repair, the broken hair straightener (OK this happened, and let me tell you sister, its hard for the entire world to not focus on the fact that my hair straightener was broken, cause IT AIN'T PRETTY) instead of stopping and saying Thank you God, you have given me a healthy body to fight this, a home to live in that I am able to repair, and you have put hair on my head (even though, my hair isn't what I see in the Pantene commercials).
So, I resolve to be thankful in the small things, and be happy that every day I wake up, is one more day that I have life in this crazy world!
You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy. that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever. Psalm 30:11-12
I have had a pretty eventful couple of weeks, I started my new job, IT IS AWESOME! I ran a 10K race, fastest time I have ever had! My best friend Tiff and I went to a women's retreat, God is good! And I think we had every single person we have ever come into contact with over for dinner, which I'm a hostess at heart and love it. Even though none of those things have anything even remotely in common, oddly enough have all had one theme that has been brought up in some form or another in them all, and that is watch your words.
I know you're thinking, DUH, watch your words, I learned that when I was 3. BUT did you? OK maybe you did, but I realized I haven't, I haven't at all. I have talked about it, I have thought about it, I have read about it, my mama told me to do it, but I certainly ain't doin' it. Literally in the last 3 weeks, I have been reminded in every single daily activity I have done. You ever get that throw your hands up in the air and scream "I get it" feeling? Well I did and I finally gave in and decided to try it. Do you know how hard it is, to speak good things and not bad, to be deliberately thankful, and to want to say something nice sometimes? Of course, this is probably something that comes naturally to you, and you are reading this thinking I'm a negative Nancy and need to get over myself. But humor me and keep reading. Sometimes for me I think that it is just plain ole easier to look at the situation and just be in it, not really happy or sad but just be in it. It's hard work to be thankful in situations that you aren't to thrilled about...AND here is the kicker, actually mean it. Its hard for me to want to be thankful to God when my plan doesn't match His. Its hard to change my thinking to praise God for his timing that is more perfect then mine. After all why do I want to be thankful when I'm not getting my way? Well, I don't. That's exactly why God has put it in my face every step I take. I have had to be honest with myself, real honest, and in those un-thankful moments, stop myself dead in my tracks and reverse my thinking, I promise this is harder then it sounds, because it comes more natural to us to be negative and focus on the sickness, the house repair, the broken hair straightener (OK this happened, and let me tell you sister, its hard for the entire world to not focus on the fact that my hair straightener was broken, cause IT AIN'T PRETTY) instead of stopping and saying Thank you God, you have given me a healthy body to fight this, a home to live in that I am able to repair, and you have put hair on my head (even though, my hair isn't what I see in the Pantene commercials).
So, I resolve to be thankful in the small things, and be happy that every day I wake up, is one more day that I have life in this crazy world!
You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy. that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever. Psalm 30:11-12
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