HELLO, HELLO, HELLO... If I could make a blog echo for a grand entrance I would...but I can't so you just have to deal with my typing it (and giggling to myself while thinking about it).
Y'all I am tired, like tripped on the stairs at work today (4 times, luckily no one was counting), drank 3 LARGE cups of coffee, and walked in a circle 3 times around Target, because I couldn't' remember what I went for, tired. Working for a church during the super bowl known as Easter, makes you a tid bit sleepy. The weird thing is I am more tired today then any of last week. I think it's because last week my body knew the work had to be done, no excuses, and now my mind and body are like "ENOUGH! I NEED TO STOP FUNCTIONING." However, my lack of sleep was worth watching what God did for our church this week, we were able to cook, and feed over 10,000 meals ANNNNDDDD, there was a record number of people give their life to Christ!!! Praise God! I actually got the pleasure of talking to a couple of the people who decided to change their life and I can not even tell you how cool that was! (I know I'm using a lot of exclamations, which is normal, but this time it is totally appropriate, we can never be too excited about watching God do miracles!)
As I reflect on Easter and the meaning, it kinda makes me feel a little dumb. I know that sounds weird, but the truth is it makes me feel real dumb. First I feel dumb for ever feeling like since I came to Christ later in life that I wasn't as good as people who were raised in church...that actually sounds more ridiculous now that I have actually typed it out. But, honestly, I have some severe insecurity over my faith sometimes and not being as "smart" as others and not knowing every story in the bible, or being able to quote every scripture (and in the light of honesty, sometimes I actually have to flip through the pages discretely to find the book I'm looking for...don't tell anyone). However during this weekend, I was sweetly reminded that when I was saved and asked Jesus into my heart that I was a new creation in Christ. I was, am, and always will be learning and growing and seeking. As I watched people make decisions for Christ, I watched a boulder lift off their shoulders, I was hit with the love of Christ who showed me the story of the sacrifice, the blood and the price that was paid to wash us clean of our yesterday and make us new today. Sometimes I allow the enemy to smack me right in the gut with what hurts the most, and that is what makes me feel the dumbest. God excepted me right where I was, He has never forced me, never made me feel guilty, nor as He ever made me feel dumb. Most importantly, He loves me just as I am!
So for my second, wow I feel like a dummy, revelation. Since God has excepted me just as I am, I need to except him just as He is, which is perfect, and all knowing. Yeah kinda hard to argue that, right. Well if you know me, you know that, well, ugh your going to make me say it aren't you...I will argue with a brick wall to get my way...stop hounding me OK, I said it. I realized that I have been trying to tell God what would be a cool story for my life. I have had all the answers and have been telling Him the way it should go. Like, "OK, God, listen you gave me this job, now lets top it off with me getting pregnant. I can see it now, you would be a hero!" I have worked out the story and explained to God that if he would do it my way, it would make the story awesome. Yeah, you see why I feel dumb? I keep trying to tell Him how big he could be, instead of just taking in how big is already is. I now realize that while we don't know Gods plan for our lives, he is always in control. He has counted my tears before be I cried them, he has not only counted the hairs on my head, but has also counted the hairs on my child's head. His plan and timing is perfect for not only my life, but the life of our one day child!
Thank you lord for you your promises!
Enter his gates with thanksgiving
and his courts with praise;
give thanks to him and praise his name.
For the Lord is good and his love endures forever;
his faithfulness continues through all generations.
http://bible.us/Ps100.4.NIV84
Monday, April 9, 2012
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Infertility Anonymous
Well friends, I don't really have a great introduction for this, seems my witty-ness has witted out, and I have wittle to say...ok, ok, I realize how lame that is, and will stop, I also realize you don't believe I have little to say. (But I can't promise it won't come back, lame seems to be my middle name) Lol!
I went to my first infertility class through my church, and very unlike my irrational fear, I did not have to stand up in front of a group and say "My name is Kayla and I'm unexplainablely infertile." No one wore a huge sign on them saying "I can't have babies", nor did we walk in crying and hugging like some may picture a bunch of women doing. Instead, I actually walked into a room with a small group of women that looked just like you and me, they worked regular jobs, none had ever been to the moon, or looked like an alien. I know this sounds silly, but the truth is, my fear had given me irrational thoughts about women with infertility and that we were all freaks that no one wanted to talk to. Instead it made me realize something that has sometimes plagued my mind, I am not alone, nor am I the only one that sometimes feels like God has forgotten them. I realized that when I have moments of weakness, and days of tears, I am not crazy. I'm not the only one that lives in a constant two week waiting cycle. I am not the only one that has had to make hard choices about seeking medical help, and I am not the only one who questions my faith or wonders if God hears my prayers.
What I also realized was that we are all in this together and that this problem effects more women that we even know. Most women, are not as open and honest about the problem and don't care to speak openly about it. I however, am true to Kayla form, am not like most women. I was very open about my feelings of being embarrassed, ashamed, and just downright mad. The truth is most women aren't this open and are what was described as "silently screaming" for help, understanding, love and support. I for one, am a rather odd case, I would say. As open as I am on this blog, I honestly can't talk about it to much, I can be super open with some, but others I feel embarrassed and don't know what to say...there you have it, I am actually experiencing something in time, where I have no words, lol. The truth is, I don't know what to say, because it seems at any moment, at any time, I could break down crying, and at other times, I am totally able to joke and laugh about it. Like I have said before, it's a roller coaster that seems to just go up and down a hill, in which sometimes you feel you are wearing a seat belt and other times you feel you aren't (which would be real scary...wonder what the screaming picture would look like of that at the end of the ride).
Now about my personal journey. I had a little melt down the other day. Period. I wish I could explain it differently, but sometimes we have to call a spade a spade, I had a childish, 5 year old melt down the other day and over what you ask, vacation. Of all things, vacation. As my sweet, patient husband was as calm as he could possibly be, with me melting down like a 5 year old in a candy store. We started talking and as I got deeper in the conversation it was quickly apparent that this infertility stuff was spilling over into other parts of my life and mind that I had no clue it even effected/affected (seriously these words are dumb, just make your own call on which one is right). It was pointed out to me by my loving husband, that in my need to control things, and clearly having no control what so ever one this issue, I was trying to control every other aspect of my life, including things that should be so much fun that no tears should ever be shed over them. One would think that would make me come to a rainbows and lollipops, type of frolicking throughout the meadow type of feeling...but, well, instead I took the "I want a puppy, and I want it now!" stance and put my biggest crybaby panties on and continued to melt down like someone took my toy.
As perfect as the timing was <insert sarcastic eye roll> With this slight malfunction of the part of the brain used to control any rational thoughts, came the moment every woman loves, I got that fun little monthly alert that my two week counting cycle, would be starting over for yet another month. Which didn't add to my melt down, as you may have guessed. So after somewhat (said loosely) pulling myself together and journaling, and taking some quiet time, I felt like God was clearly telling me "stop making this other peoples problem, and stop expecting others to do it for you" (clearly, for obvious reasons no one can do it for me, I mean, awkward) but what I understood it as, no matter how much I lean into other people for prayer, encouragement, love, and to listen. No one else can do it better then God. I honestly have to stop waiting for people to believe it for me, and believe it for myself! I also took it as this just isn't the right time for us to do the whole IVF stuff right now. Does that mean it won't come back in the future, or course it doesn't, it just means not now!
So for now I am reminding and believing for myself that God still has a plan for us, and He has given me the desire of my heart for a reason, I will be a mother one day, my story has just been written differently then others!
Psalm 37: Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.
P.S. One of the ladies in charge of the class, has a really awesome website, and I really loved this section of it. Knowing that unless you have been through it, you don't necessarily understand it, and may not always have the words to say (and really no one actually expects you to) so, here are some helpful suggestions, if you run into a friend or family member with the same problem. http://dancinguponbarrenland.
Psalm 56:3 When I am afraid, I will trust in you.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Mama said if you can't say nothing nice, don't say nothing at all.
I don't know if you have noticed, and I don't mean to brag, but well, I am EXTREMELY talented at taking huge breaks in blogging. It isn't that I don't have things to say, because if you know me, or if you don't, you probably know or have figured that there have been maybe 3 (and that is being generous) times in my life that I have not had anything to say about any subject. Which actually brings me to the topic of this blog.
I have had a pretty eventful couple of weeks, I started my new job, IT IS AWESOME! I ran a 10K race, fastest time I have ever had! My best friend Tiff and I went to a women's retreat, God is good! And I think we had every single person we have ever come into contact with over for dinner, which I'm a hostess at heart and love it. Even though none of those things have anything even remotely in common, oddly enough have all had one theme that has been brought up in some form or another in them all, and that is watch your words.
I know you're thinking, DUH, watch your words, I learned that when I was 3. BUT did you? OK maybe you did, but I realized I haven't, I haven't at all. I have talked about it, I have thought about it, I have read about it, my mama told me to do it, but I certainly ain't doin' it. Literally in the last 3 weeks, I have been reminded in every single daily activity I have done. You ever get that throw your hands up in the air and scream "I get it" feeling? Well I did and I finally gave in and decided to try it. Do you know how hard it is, to speak good things and not bad, to be deliberately thankful, and to want to say something nice sometimes? Of course, this is probably something that comes naturally to you, and you are reading this thinking I'm a negative Nancy and need to get over myself. But humor me and keep reading. Sometimes for me I think that it is just plain ole easier to look at the situation and just be in it, not really happy or sad but just be in it. It's hard work to be thankful in situations that you aren't to thrilled about...AND here is the kicker, actually mean it. Its hard for me to want to be thankful to God when my plan doesn't match His. Its hard to change my thinking to praise God for his timing that is more perfect then mine. After all why do I want to be thankful when I'm not getting my way? Well, I don't. That's exactly why God has put it in my face every step I take. I have had to be honest with myself, real honest, and in those un-thankful moments, stop myself dead in my tracks and reverse my thinking, I promise this is harder then it sounds, because it comes more natural to us to be negative and focus on the sickness, the house repair, the broken hair straightener (OK this happened, and let me tell you sister, its hard for the entire world to not focus on the fact that my hair straightener was broken, cause IT AIN'T PRETTY) instead of stopping and saying Thank you God, you have given me a healthy body to fight this, a home to live in that I am able to repair, and you have put hair on my head (even though, my hair isn't what I see in the Pantene commercials).
So, I resolve to be thankful in the small things, and be happy that every day I wake up, is one more day that I have life in this crazy world!
You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy. that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever. Psalm 30:11-12
I have had a pretty eventful couple of weeks, I started my new job, IT IS AWESOME! I ran a 10K race, fastest time I have ever had! My best friend Tiff and I went to a women's retreat, God is good! And I think we had every single person we have ever come into contact with over for dinner, which I'm a hostess at heart and love it. Even though none of those things have anything even remotely in common, oddly enough have all had one theme that has been brought up in some form or another in them all, and that is watch your words.
I know you're thinking, DUH, watch your words, I learned that when I was 3. BUT did you? OK maybe you did, but I realized I haven't, I haven't at all. I have talked about it, I have thought about it, I have read about it, my mama told me to do it, but I certainly ain't doin' it. Literally in the last 3 weeks, I have been reminded in every single daily activity I have done. You ever get that throw your hands up in the air and scream "I get it" feeling? Well I did and I finally gave in and decided to try it. Do you know how hard it is, to speak good things and not bad, to be deliberately thankful, and to want to say something nice sometimes? Of course, this is probably something that comes naturally to you, and you are reading this thinking I'm a negative Nancy and need to get over myself. But humor me and keep reading. Sometimes for me I think that it is just plain ole easier to look at the situation and just be in it, not really happy or sad but just be in it. It's hard work to be thankful in situations that you aren't to thrilled about...AND here is the kicker, actually mean it. Its hard for me to want to be thankful to God when my plan doesn't match His. Its hard to change my thinking to praise God for his timing that is more perfect then mine. After all why do I want to be thankful when I'm not getting my way? Well, I don't. That's exactly why God has put it in my face every step I take. I have had to be honest with myself, real honest, and in those un-thankful moments, stop myself dead in my tracks and reverse my thinking, I promise this is harder then it sounds, because it comes more natural to us to be negative and focus on the sickness, the house repair, the broken hair straightener (OK this happened, and let me tell you sister, its hard for the entire world to not focus on the fact that my hair straightener was broken, cause IT AIN'T PRETTY) instead of stopping and saying Thank you God, you have given me a healthy body to fight this, a home to live in that I am able to repair, and you have put hair on my head (even though, my hair isn't what I see in the Pantene commercials).
So, I resolve to be thankful in the small things, and be happy that every day I wake up, is one more day that I have life in this crazy world!
You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy. that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever. Psalm 30:11-12
Friday, February 10, 2012
The cheese to my macaroni
So with the ever annoying Valentines approaching, and with the new series "Lasting Love" we are doing with our youth group at church, it really got me thinking (yea that can be scary)! I realized that I have written this blog from the middle of our struggle with our infertility and never really explained any back story about Travis and I. So, choose now if you would like to continue reading, because this could hit the top of the cheese ball scale!
*CHEESE-O-METER STARTS NOW!* So, since I plan on one day printing this blog into a little book (like totally one from fed-ex or something, don't go thinking I think I'm cool enough to actually print a book)to one day give my kids...I know that seems odd, but I think it would be cool for them to see how they were actually loved so much before they even were...or is that really too weird,be honest, no wait don't. GEEZ KAYLA BACK ON TRACK!
ANYWAYS, I have decided to start this from the beginning. Now from the top (deep breath in) Travis and I don't have one of those sweet stories that I so often hear of how they met their significant other. We have a unique story. We actually went to school together, by school I mean elementary to high school. But me being the super popular and awesome at everything I touched, kid I was way cooler then him and we were not friends (this is true, do not listen if he tells you otherwise..have I ever lied to you). It wasn't that we didn't know each other we were just not friends, nor did we even probably speak 2 whole sentences to each other. It is possible it was because we looked like this:
(Apparently we didn't get the memo, that said just because we were being photographed by the same photographer we didn't need to look just alike...embarrassing) And yes, we still want to reproduce, knowing this could be the outcome.
So any who, we were a grade apart (he was older, I'm not a cradle robber) and we both graduated (though you can't always tell with my grammar mistakes), we went on our happy lives never thinking of the other ever again. Until 8 years later, around the time I lived in Austin and he lived in Houston. Y'all remember myspace? Of course you do, its not like we are 10 years in the future. Well one day, I got a random message from Travis saying that he thought something I said was funny, I remember thinking, "whoa, that's a blast from the past", stalked his pictures (again with the honesty thing...stop judging you so do that too), and went on about my day never thinking a thing about it. Randomly, about 3 weeks later we ended up meeting at abirthday party, ugh, we met at a bar, OK, geez stop pressuring me, we met a birthday party at a bar. (My entire life I said "I would NEVER EVER, marry someone I met at a bar *moral of the story, never say never*)
After we met we had a long distance relationship, all of which we talked about marriage, like I'm not kidding we met in November and talked about getting married in January not actually getting married, just we knew we would get married...you probably knew that...I say when you know, you know, and we knew! Since we had both come out of relationships, that were, well obviously not meant to be, we decided that the smart thing to do was to wait a year, then make a commitment to each other before we picked up one of our lives and moved it to a different town. So after digging in and stinking to our guns a few months of dating, I came home one weekend and went back to Austin with a ring on my finger!! (that is also a good story)
I remember thinking that we were going to live happily ever after, in our house with a picket fence and 3 kids running around (2 boys and a girl of course), and I would bake apple pies all day. OK, OK, honestly I never thought any of that, except the kids part. I did, however, think we would have kids, and I did think we would live in this bubble where we were on a honey moon 24/7. (you can laugh at my ignorance now) I quickly learned that, with that ring on my finger I didn't get my fantasy of a husband that twirls me around the kitchen telling me how beautiful I am. I didn't get my fantasy of the husband telling me "honey, that's the mans job, let me take care of that" and what I also didn't get was the hallmark commercial life that made me think that every kiss begins with Kay, and that my husband would come home with roses after every business trip just because he missed me. What I did get was real life. Real bill paying, arguing over whats on TV, muttering under your breath how annoying the other is, cover stealing, regular life.
So I know this sounds like I'm complaining, but keep reading, it gets better!
Back to the Valentines thing coming up, I started thinking about my real life and how incredibly blessed I am to be in the exact moment I'm in right now. It got me thinking about this man that I call my husband and so often take for granted. You may have guessed that I am not exactly the easiest person to live with. Not because I am mean and demand things my way...all the time. More because, I'm goofy, I'm messy, my mind can't stick to one project at home, I am constantly stressing over trivial things, I cry a lot, get my feelings hurt a lot, I can be incredibly lazy, I like to tell him what to do and well, I just really hate laundry. I have a temper and I sometimes like to throw things to make a point. I also can be, in the words of my good friend Mr. Adam Lotts, just a down right "crap bag". Don't get me wrong Travis can be all of these things also, most people think Travis is the nicest guy they ever met, and never has a temper, and blah, blah, blah, lol. Which he most certainly is those things, but, we all have our down falls. However with Travis, his good, out weighs his bad (obviously). He is the most compassionate, funny, loving, kind hearted, gentle, animal loving (I once caught him trying to save a bird with tiny chest compressions...don't tell him I told you that), God loving, leader of my house hold, amazing man I know. He laughs to much and to hard at jokes sometimes, he thinks he is funnier then he is, and he loves me even with my flaws. The thing I learned about real life is, it is not perfect. We fight, boy do we sometimes fight. I never knew I could love someone so hard headed, that will argue a point so much, even if we are saying the same thing just worded differently. He will fight to win, just to make me say the way he said it was better. I also never knew I could love someone so much, while simultaneously wanting to throw things at him...like a shoe or breakfast burrito...at his head...that I took off my foot/was eating because it was the only thing I had (that darn honesty thing again). I never knew that I could love someone to the point of my heart aching, when they are hurting. I never knew I could think that the things that I hated about other guys would be so cute on him, or that the things I thought were so cute on him, would end up driving me nuts. I never honestly never knew that I could love someone this deeply and this much, who also sometimes makes me want to pull my hair out.
But what I really never knew was that having an infertility problem, would be in our future. And, I also would have never guessed that it would make us a stronger couple with more love for each other then we could imagine. For that I am truly thankful, I honestly am. You see I think that this issue can go either way with couples. I think that it could easily break you, I can see how as much as a man wants to, he doesn't understand, and as much as I want to understand I don't really know how he hides his emotions. With us, I quickly realized that the man I married hides his emotions so that I have no fear, so I can cry when I want and know that he is my strong rock. The man I married, loves me no matter what, and when I have silly fears that he will trade me in for a "working model" comes home and randomly tells me how much he loves me or sends me a random email that says "I hope you know how much you mean to me", easing fears he never knew I had. The man I married, makes me laugh, even in the moments I just really don't want to laugh. The man I married, is the leader of our house and a mighty man of God!
Great. Now, I'm a big ol' weepy ball of love.
My husband amazes me daily with something new. I can't even imagine how awesome of father he will be. With my real life, I realized that, it was better then any fantasy or hall mark commercial I could have ever dreamed up, now I'm sure this post won't change our life and make us never fight again, because I assure you, God put two hard headed people together. However the great thing about us, is there in never a point where we even remotely think our fights would end us. With my real life I am 100% secure, and he is better then any husband I could have ever molded myself. I got a dream that I didn't even know I wanted. Who else could put up with either of us, anyways.
I realize this was long, and off the charts of the cheese scale, but thanks for reading!
*CHEESE-O-METER STARTS NOW!* So, since I plan on one day printing this blog into a little book (like totally one from fed-ex or something, don't go thinking I think I'm cool enough to actually print a book)to one day give my kids...I know that seems odd, but I think it would be cool for them to see how they were actually loved so much before they even were...or is that really too weird,
ANYWAYS, I have decided to start this from the beginning. Now from the top (deep breath in) Travis and I don't have one of those sweet stories that I so often hear of how they met their significant other. We have a unique story. We actually went to school together, by school I mean elementary to high school. But me being the super popular and awesome at everything I touched, kid I was way cooler then him and we were not friends (this is true, do not listen if he tells you otherwise..have I ever lied to you). It wasn't that we didn't know each other we were just not friends, nor did we even probably speak 2 whole sentences to each other. It is possible it was because we looked like this:
So any who, we were a grade apart (he was older, I'm not a cradle robber) and we both graduated (though you can't always tell with my grammar mistakes), we went on our happy lives never thinking of the other ever again. Until 8 years later, around the time I lived in Austin and he lived in Houston. Y'all remember myspace? Of course you do, its not like we are 10 years in the future. Well one day, I got a random message from Travis saying that he thought something I said was funny, I remember thinking, "whoa, that's a blast from the past", stalked his pictures (again with the honesty thing...stop judging you so do that too), and went on about my day never thinking a thing about it. Randomly, about 3 weeks later we ended up meeting at a
After we met we had a long distance relationship, all of which we talked about marriage, like I'm not kidding we met in November and talked about getting married in January not actually getting married, just we knew we would get married...you probably knew that...I say when you know, you know, and we knew! Since we had both come out of relationships, that were, well obviously not meant to be, we decided that the smart thing to do was to wait a year, then make a commitment to each other before we picked up one of our lives and moved it to a different town. So after
I remember thinking that we were going to live happily ever after, in our house with a picket fence and 3 kids running around (2 boys and a girl of course), and I would bake apple pies all day. OK, OK, honestly I never thought any of that, except the kids part. I did, however, think we would have kids, and I did think we would live in this bubble where we were on a honey moon 24/7. (you can laugh at my ignorance now) I quickly learned that, with that ring on my finger I didn't get my fantasy of a husband that twirls me around the kitchen telling me how beautiful I am. I didn't get my fantasy of the husband telling me "honey, that's the mans job, let me take care of that" and what I also didn't get was the hallmark commercial life that made me think that every kiss begins with Kay, and that my husband would come home with roses after every business trip just because he missed me. What I did get was real life. Real bill paying, arguing over whats on TV, muttering under your breath how annoying the other is, cover stealing, regular life.
So I know this sounds like I'm complaining, but keep reading, it gets better!
Back to the Valentines thing coming up, I started thinking about my real life and how incredibly blessed I am to be in the exact moment I'm in right now. It got me thinking about this man that I call my husband and so often take for granted. You may have guessed that I am not exactly the easiest person to live with. Not because I am mean and demand things my way...all the time. More because, I'm goofy, I'm messy, my mind can't stick to one project at home, I am constantly stressing over trivial things, I cry a lot, get my feelings hurt a lot, I can be incredibly lazy, I like to tell him what to do and well, I just really hate laundry. I have a temper and I sometimes like to throw things to make a point. I also can be, in the words of my good friend Mr. Adam Lotts, just a down right "crap bag". Don't get me wrong Travis can be all of these things also, most people think Travis is the nicest guy they ever met, and never has a temper, and blah, blah, blah, lol. Which he most certainly is those things, but, we all have our down falls. However with Travis, his good, out weighs his bad (obviously). He is the most compassionate, funny, loving, kind hearted, gentle, animal loving (I once caught him trying to save a bird with tiny chest compressions...don't tell him I told you that), God loving, leader of my house hold, amazing man I know. He laughs to much and to hard at jokes sometimes, he thinks he is funnier then he is, and he loves me even with my flaws. The thing I learned about real life is, it is not perfect. We fight, boy do we sometimes fight. I never knew I could love someone so hard headed, that will argue a point so much, even if we are saying the same thing just worded differently. He will fight to win, just to make me say the way he said it was better. I also never knew I could love someone so much, while simultaneously wanting to throw things at him...like a shoe or breakfast burrito...at his head...that I took off my foot/was eating because it was the only thing I had (that darn honesty thing again). I never knew that I could love someone to the point of my heart aching, when they are hurting. I never knew I could think that the things that I hated about other guys would be so cute on him, or that the things I thought were so cute on him, would end up driving me nuts. I never honestly never knew that I could love someone this deeply and this much, who also sometimes makes me want to pull my hair out.
But what I really never knew was that having an infertility problem, would be in our future. And, I also would have never guessed that it would make us a stronger couple with more love for each other then we could imagine. For that I am truly thankful, I honestly am. You see I think that this issue can go either way with couples. I think that it could easily break you, I can see how as much as a man wants to, he doesn't understand, and as much as I want to understand I don't really know how he hides his emotions. With us, I quickly realized that the man I married hides his emotions so that I have no fear, so I can cry when I want and know that he is my strong rock. The man I married, loves me no matter what, and when I have silly fears that he will trade me in for a "working model" comes home and randomly tells me how much he loves me or sends me a random email that says "I hope you know how much you mean to me", easing fears he never knew I had. The man I married, makes me laugh, even in the moments I just really don't want to laugh. The man I married, is the leader of our house and a mighty man of God!
Great. Now, I'm a big ol' weepy ball of love.
My husband amazes me daily with something new. I can't even imagine how awesome of father he will be. With my real life, I realized that, it was better then any fantasy or hall mark commercial I could have ever dreamed up, now I'm sure this post won't change our life and make us never fight again, because I assure you, God put two hard headed people together. However the great thing about us, is there in never a point where we even remotely think our fights would end us. With my real life I am 100% secure, and he is better then any husband I could have ever molded myself. I got a dream that I didn't even know I wanted. Who else could put up with either of us, anyways.
Monday, February 6, 2012
To Be-lieve, or not to be-lieve!
So after my big announcement last week I have really had some time to reflect, read, and do a ton of home improvement projects (but my DIY projects are not really related, just wanted to mention, lol). In my reflection and quiet time the same theme has come up over and over and I can't help but think that maybe, just maybe God is doing his God thing and making a point that I can't miss! It's a hard one that I am not happy to admit, but in my quest for honesty, I figure I have to be be honest with myself...have you ever noticed how easy it is to lie to ourselves to the point where we start to believe we are telling the truth, weird how that works, lol. Anyways, I said last time that I realized that I have been holding on to this idea that I believe God can conquer all our problems and nothing is to big for Him, but the truth is, sometimes I have serious doubt. Not that I doubt that God is all mighty, and can do all things, its just I believe he will and can do that in others lives, but not mine. Why? You ask, well I don't know. I guess I sometimes struggle with the enemy telling me constantly "If God wanted you to have this, He would do it, but since He hasn't, He doesn't." Now I understand how silly that sounds. I am always telling people "lets pray about it", "lets let God guide us", and you know what? I completely believe it for them, I completely believe that God will heal, guide, and fix their problems and am the first to stop and pray for that situation. BUT for my life, I realized I don't believe it for myself. I actually admitted to Travis the other day, that honestly I sometimes don't even pray for a baby anymore. Geez that is ridiculous. Man it's way easier to blog these things then actually say them, its like my fingers have no pride only humility and have no problems talking about my issues...gonna need to speak with them about that.
So with that identified, I have also identified a some other things that hold me in a constant stage of guilt. I realize what I'm about to type is going to sound ridiculous, since well, I have an entire blog created for me to have a pity party about not having a baby. However, having an infertility issue you constantly go on a roller coast with no harness and you never know if you are going up a hill or down, but you do know that you have to hold on dearly to stay alive. Sometimes the downhill part makes me have these weird thoughts always on my mind. For instance, when I am doing something really fun, and have no responsibility to get home to, or worry about, I think "Man if had a kid, I wouldn't be doing this." Or when we book our vacations, I think " Man its nice to just go where we want when we want." I know that is nuts! It's like I think these crazy selfish things, then want to just kick myself in the face (not that, that is actually possible because I'm no where near flexible enough, but even if I was, I don't think that would even be possible...) because how can I feel these things, yet want this kid so bad. Again an attack. The guilt hits. I want to just cry and scream because I really don't know how to combat these things, I don't know how to move past these thoughts. I'm always asking, is this even normal? Do you know how hard it is to want something so bad and then think, wow I'm glad I don't have that yet, it is the worst feeling in the world. It's like guilt just over takes you in a way that you have no idea how to handle. And then if you ever admitted these feelings out loud you just are a big hypocrite, which is also a terrible feeling, because who could take you serious when you cry monthly for not having a baby, then admit that sometimes you are relieved that you don't have one. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!?! Then usually within minutes if I see/hold/touch a baby, see a pregnant lady, see a ultra sound picture I get that gut wrenching feeling that I still don't have that. I am convinced, once again, I'm crazy.
Well, back to my reflection time, after writing journal entry after journal entry (be glad I don't blog all of those, lol) I point blank asked God if I was crazy. Now, if I told you He said yes or no, you would really think I was a nut ball, but guess what He did tell me that I wasn't crazy! He gave me scripture after scripture to stand on! And I soon figured out, It's normal! I am normal and just because I think these things doesn't mean that I'm a bad person/hypocrite/or selfish, nor do I want this child any less then I did before. BUT here is the funny thing about God, when I feel like my faith is weakened and am not fully trusting He NEVER gives up on me!
3 For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does.4 The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:3-5
So with this revelation, it seems that everything I pick up is talking about belief. The latest book I picked up is Beth Moore, "Praying Gods Word" after reading through the second chapter, I was like "OK I GET IT" I struggle with this strong hold. The enemy knows where to get me, and boy does he. Since I refuse to spend to much of my time rebuking the enemy instead of praising God I am going to blow up this strong hold like dynamite! The trick to breaking this strong hold is stopping dwelling on the guilt of feeling this way, or having thoughts that I shouldn't have, but most of all stop thinking about what others think of me. I can't help the way I feel, but I can help the way I react to it!
WARNING: If I become extremely up beat in an annoying way, well I say that in the nicest way possible, but, deal with it! I don't care what you think, Im beating this thought thing.
Proverbs 29:11...giving you something to look up!
So with that identified, I have also identified a some other things that hold me in a constant stage of guilt. I realize what I'm about to type is going to sound ridiculous, since well, I have an entire blog created for me to have a pity party about not having a baby. However, having an infertility issue you constantly go on a roller coast with no harness and you never know if you are going up a hill or down, but you do know that you have to hold on dearly to stay alive. Sometimes the downhill part makes me have these weird thoughts always on my mind. For instance, when I am doing something really fun, and have no responsibility to get home to, or worry about, I think "Man if had a kid, I wouldn't be doing this." Or when we book our vacations, I think " Man its nice to just go where we want when we want." I know that is nuts! It's like I think these crazy selfish things, then want to just kick myself in the face (not that, that is actually possible because I'm no where near flexible enough, but even if I was, I don't think that would even be possible...) because how can I feel these things, yet want this kid so bad. Again an attack. The guilt hits. I want to just cry and scream because I really don't know how to combat these things, I don't know how to move past these thoughts. I'm always asking, is this even normal? Do you know how hard it is to want something so bad and then think, wow I'm glad I don't have that yet, it is the worst feeling in the world. It's like guilt just over takes you in a way that you have no idea how to handle. And then if you ever admitted these feelings out loud you just are a big hypocrite, which is also a terrible feeling, because who could take you serious when you cry monthly for not having a baby, then admit that sometimes you are relieved that you don't have one. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!?! Then usually within minutes if I see/hold/touch a baby, see a pregnant lady, see a ultra sound picture I get that gut wrenching feeling that I still don't have that. I am convinced, once again, I'm crazy.
Well, back to my reflection time, after writing journal entry after journal entry (be glad I don't blog all of those, lol) I point blank asked God if I was crazy. Now, if I told you He said yes or no, you would really think I was a nut ball, but guess what He did tell me that I wasn't crazy! He gave me scripture after scripture to stand on! And I soon figured out, It's normal! I am normal and just because I think these things doesn't mean that I'm a bad person/hypocrite/or selfish, nor do I want this child any less then I did before. BUT here is the funny thing about God, when I feel like my faith is weakened and am not fully trusting He NEVER gives up on me!
3 For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does.4 The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:3-5
So with this revelation, it seems that everything I pick up is talking about belief. The latest book I picked up is Beth Moore, "Praying Gods Word" after reading through the second chapter, I was like "OK I GET IT" I struggle with this strong hold. The enemy knows where to get me, and boy does he. Since I refuse to spend to much of my time rebuking the enemy instead of praising God I am going to blow up this strong hold like dynamite! The trick to breaking this strong hold is stopping dwelling on the guilt of feeling this way, or having thoughts that I shouldn't have, but most of all stop thinking about what others think of me. I can't help the way I feel, but I can help the way I react to it!
WARNING: If I become extremely up beat in an annoying way, well I say that in the nicest way possible, but, deal with it! I don't care what you think, Im beating this thought thing.
Proverbs 29:11...giving you something to look up!
Friday, January 27, 2012
Subtle Irony...I think
I have come to realize that sometimes when God wants to make a point He does it! I have been really pumped up about a lot of changes in my life and really excited to see where life was heading, since it is clearly heading down a direction that I never saw coming and actually never even knew I wanted until it was right on top of me.
SO DRUM ROLL PLEASE!!!
BIG ANNOUNCEMENT AHEAD...NO, NOT A BABY ANNOUNCEMENT
YOU NERVOUS?
OK SERIOUSLY HERE IT IS:
I have been offered a full time position working at The Ark in a brand new department/area doing guest relations! This whole idea kinda came out of no where, our awesome youth pastor (Thanks John, I owe it to you for getting me thinking) starting putting the idea in my head, to work under him in the youth department, and after my initial response of (just being honest) ummm heck no, I'm not cut out for a church job. God quickly changed my heart and showed me little by little that this was my calling and exactly where I needed to be...so I thought. I was so pumped up for this position when I got an unexpected phone call asking if I would be interested in interviewing for a different position. After, listening to the job description I said absolutely!
Now those of you who know me, know I enjoy a plan and time to work things out and make sure things are perfect and I look the part and all is good. So with this said, I was assuming that they would call me and we would set up an interview for the next day, or since this was Thursday, the next week. Which gave me much comfort. Then about 30 minutes later, my phone rang and I was thinking, oh wow that was fast but I can prepare tonight. NOPE! They asked me to come in that day! I calmly accepted the 4pm time slot and hung up the phone, and not so calmly internally screamed! Now what I should have done was, stop thank Him for the the awesome, amazing way He opened up doors for me. But the unfortunate truth is, I nearly panicked and fell out of a heart attack. This particular day, I was extremely tired and having one of those days when I just didn't really care what I looked like, so I hadn't washed my hair that day and to disguise the fact that I hadn't washed my hairthe day before...OK OK, don't judge, I was working on 3 days, (let the record show, I never, ever, ever...only maybe every few months do that) because of my decision that morning, I had half heartily tried to curly my 3 day dirty hair, because, my irrational thinking on this was, my hair is dirty and will hold more curl, right? WRONG. By, the time I arrived at mt first office I quickly realized we were having a perfect Texas day, full of overcast skies, 100% humidity, and drizzle, and my hair looked like I rolled out of bed and just well, went with it. Now about my clothes...well lets just say I forgot to go to the cleaners, and "made something up"...so this was not my best day. After panic attacks and a text message exchange to my best friend Tiff,
10 Then the Lord said, “I will surely return to you about this time next year, and Sarah your wife will have a son.”
Now Sarah was listening at the entrance to the tent, which was behind him.11 Abraham and Sarah were already old and well advanced in years, and Sarah was past the age of childbearing.
12 So Sarah laughed to herself as she thought, “After I am worn out and my master is old, will I now have this pleasure?”13 Then the Lord said to Abraham, “Why did Sarah laugh and say, ‘Will I really have a child, now that I am old?’
1415 Sarah was afraid, so she lied and said, “I did not laugh.”
But he said, “Yes, you did laugh.” Genesis 18:10-15
When I read this, I was kinda taken aback and smacked in the face, so to say that, I don't want to be caught laughing at God! However, I feel that I have outwardly acted as though I believed it would happen, but inwardly I was wrestling with the belief that it would happen. This internal struggle has really kept me down, and I am taking a stand a admitting the stronghold that has been on me and taking a stand to break free! In the last few days, which have been a little hard on me, I have been shown over and over that nothing is to hard for God! I just need to be still and wait!
Because I am in Christ, the Greater One lives in me. He is greater then the devil. Greater than the disease. Greater than the circumstance. And He lives in me! -Kenneth E. Hagin
SO DRUM ROLL PLEASE!!!
BIG ANNOUNCEMENT AHEAD...NO, NOT A BABY ANNOUNCEMENT
YOU NERVOUS?
OK SERIOUSLY HERE IT IS:
I have been offered a full time position working at The Ark in a brand new department/area doing guest relations! This whole idea kinda came out of no where, our awesome youth pastor (Thanks John, I owe it to you for getting me thinking) starting putting the idea in my head, to work under him in the youth department, and after my initial response of (just being honest) ummm heck no, I'm not cut out for a church job. God quickly changed my heart and showed me little by little that this was my calling and exactly where I needed to be...so I thought. I was so pumped up for this position when I got an unexpected phone call asking if I would be interested in interviewing for a different position. After, listening to the job description I said absolutely!
Now those of you who know me, know I enjoy a plan and time to work things out and make sure things are perfect and I look the part and all is good. So with this said, I was assuming that they would call me and we would set up an interview for the next day, or since this was Thursday, the next week. Which gave me much comfort. Then about 30 minutes later, my phone rang and I was thinking, oh wow that was fast but I can prepare tonight. NOPE! They asked me to come in that day! I calmly accepted the 4pm time slot and hung up the phone, and not so calmly internally screamed! Now what I should have done was, stop thank Him for the the awesome, amazing way He opened up doors for me. But the unfortunate truth is, I nearly panicked and fell out of a heart attack. This particular day, I was extremely tired and having one of those days when I just didn't really care what I looked like, so I hadn't washed my hair that day and to disguise the fact that I hadn't washed my hair
I decided I couldn't do anything about it, prayed about it, and got real excited! After arriving to the Church and interviewing I was more on fire then ever! I couldn't wait to see where we were going with this. Little did I know that in about 18 hours, I would be offered the position and a soon to be full time employee of The Ark Church in Conroe, TX!
So how excited are you? I am pumped!!!! I start February 13th and it can't get here quick enough!
Now with all these crazy life changing doors opening up, I really believed God was opening up more doors then just this one, and I believed that this was all happening and God had a divine plan and I would find out I was pregnant within the next few days of all of this! However, that was not the case, God does have a divine plan, but not for today. I quickly realized that, yet again, instead of praising God for this amazing thing He was doing, I was already moving on to the next thing. Isn't this the hardest thing about the culture we live in, we are always just instantly gratified and even that isn't good enough? WE, I sometimes feel that I can't seem to be pleased, I just move past one blessing to the next, and expect it, then stomp my feet when it doesn't happen. Well yet again, when God wants to make a point He does it. He has quickly shown me that I need to be still and wait. WAIT?! Ugh, I don't want to wait. I have tried explaining to God over and over that waiting really isn't my thing. And He continues to prove to me, that it is. But after reading my Project 345 (www.project345.com) reading and the scriptures and books I have been reading I was reminded just this morning the story or Sarah and Abraham:
Now Sarah was listening at the entrance to the tent, which was behind him.11 Abraham and Sarah were already old and well advanced in years, and Sarah was past the age of childbearing.
12 So Sarah laughed to herself as she thought, “After I am worn out and my master is old, will I now have this pleasure?”13 Then the Lord said to Abraham, “Why did Sarah laugh and say, ‘Will I really have a child, now that I am old?’
1415 Sarah was afraid, so she lied and said, “I did not laugh.”
But he said, “Yes, you did laugh.” Genesis 18:10-15
When I read this, I was kinda taken aback and smacked in the face, so to say that, I don't want to be caught laughing at God! However, I feel that I have outwardly acted as though I believed it would happen, but inwardly I was wrestling with the belief that it would happen. This internal struggle has really kept me down, and I am taking a stand a admitting the stronghold that has been on me and taking a stand to break free! In the last few days, which have been a little hard on me, I have been shown over and over that nothing is to hard for God! I just need to be still and wait!
Because I am in Christ, the Greater One lives in me. He is greater then the devil. Greater than the disease. Greater than the circumstance. And He lives in me! -Kenneth E. Hagin
Monday, January 23, 2012
My brain has left the building...
Well again, I write with another huge gap in between post. However this one was because I was extremely busy with well extremely busy things, but mostly because I had ridiculous technical difficulties...all this time I had thought that my computer was broken because it wouldn't connect to the internet. Sadly after actually not getting frustrated and putting the computer down, and actually trying to diagnose the problem, I discovered that (I'm embarrassed to admit) all this time, the simple fix was that the wireless switch was turned off...does this really shock anyone? I mean seriously, why is that switch even necessary? Don't we all function around the internet, who actually wants to turn this option off? (If there is an actual reason for it, please do not tell me, I feel better thinking that this is pointless switch that many people could have made this mistake)
So any who, last time we spoke, er...typed, er...you read, we, well really I was headed back to the doctor to check on my levels of estrogen, because they were extremely high. Well with my entire cycle being so strange, In between my doctors appointments, I just decided to take an ovulation test and BAMM smiley face popped up. Which I wont go into detail about, lol, but I'm fairly certain you can figure it out. So you can imagine my confusion, at all of this, I was 2 weeks late, I make an appointment, get blood drawn, start an hour later, stop a day later, take an ovulation test and its positive, which shouldn't be positive because well what sense does that make? You don't ovulate until 12 to 14 days after your cycle starts, BUT OF COURSE THAT'S NOT THE CASE WITH ME! So I'm just about thinking that I'm a nut job, this can't be right. I'm off on something, my brain has officially convinced my body its as crazy as my mind sometimes feels. So then I'm left wondering, do I need a psychiatrist, or a fertility doctor.
After sleeping on it, I decided to to keep my appointment with the fertility doctor...but didn't rule out the psychiatry appointment, lol. I arrived to the doctors appointment, paid my 30 dollars and then sat on the couch rehearsing what I needed to tell the doctor. You would think with me being in a sales career, where I spoke with doctors all day, I would be a little more calm when speaking to them. That's of course just what you would think...instead I go in there sit in the chair and vomit words all of him. Im pretty sure that I threw 37 sentences on him with out breathing and he may have left the room to collect his thoughts, and/or my fear, to write me a referral to the nearest psychiatrist in the building. But he didn't, he actually went out and got a nurse because they decided to do the ultra sound. Which in fact showed that I had ovulated, normally, praise God! So of course that just jumbled my brain up more then it already was, because on all accounts this wasn't normal, from a medical view, or even from all my in depth, and always factual internet searching, this wasn't possible. So, I'm really glad I have an extremely nice doctor, because he just smiled and let me ask a billion questions while reassuring me that I was completely normal, (in the, your body just jacked up a little this month) kinda normal. This of course was not supposed to happen, we were supposed to either have one of those miracle stories or go with another plan for us that God had lined up, which is also a miracle, just a little bit of different kind. Instead, in trueNemec fashion, ok, ok, Kerr fashion, poor Travis just got drugged into the odd things that happen to me, we have to go back to drawing board with our plans and yet again wait them out. Which has also left me with a lot more time to pray and actually get back into the word and realign myself with Gods will for my life.
During thishiatus from my blogging career, because I was so extremely busy, time not knowing how to work my computer. Travis and I have had some time to get out of our normal life and have the extreme honor and pleasure of attending our youth Retreat, with the jr high and high school kids of our church. This next part I need to scream because it is so important IF YOU WANT TO BE EXTREMELY BLESSED AND SEE WHAT LIFE IS ABOUT AND FEEL THE POWER OF CHRIST, GET INVOLVED WITH YOUR CHURCH YOUTH GROUP!!! We went into it extremely nervous and came out as to extremely different people, while we went there for nothing but the kids, God blessed us in more ways then you can ever imagine. Honestly my life is changed forever, for the better and I am just in awe of our kids, of our church and most importantly of our Lord and Savior. But with this extreme change also came with a change of plans. I couldn't help but feel like God was speaking into my heart to wait on Him. I have argued with Him a bit on this, because I can be a bit stubborn, and after all, I say again, I like getting my way. After making it clear to me that I need more of Him and less of me, He must increase, but I must decrease John 3:30. . He showed me that he is 100% in control of my life! He has changed my heart but also has some pretty extreme changes that he was waiting on me to take the first step towards, this being one of the major ones. I can't speak of them all just yet but I can say they are super exciting! You will be shocked, I most certainly was! It's funny how quickly God can pull on your reign and show you just how much He is in control. It kinda makes you feel unworthy that there are so many things that He does for you, no one else but you!
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20
I can't imagine waiting longer then we already have, and I continually pray and secretly hope that God will change his mind and give me peace about this, but right now I just don't have it. And if I have learned anything, I have learned that if God is involved there will be peace. If He is not, there will be turmoil. This is a hard decision, but what sort of follower am I if I decided to put my selfish desires before His plans for me. So, there it is folks! Please continue to pray for us, we are in good spirits and oddly enough extremely happy in this decision! I will continue to wait in expectation to be a mother, just not exactly expecting, YET!
So any who, last time we spoke, er...typed, er...you read, we, well really I was headed back to the doctor to check on my levels of estrogen, because they were extremely high. Well with my entire cycle being so strange, In between my doctors appointments, I just decided to take an ovulation test and BAMM smiley face popped up. Which I wont go into detail about, lol, but I'm fairly certain you can figure it out. So you can imagine my confusion, at all of this, I was 2 weeks late, I make an appointment, get blood drawn, start an hour later, stop a day later, take an ovulation test and its positive, which shouldn't be positive because well what sense does that make? You don't ovulate until 12 to 14 days after your cycle starts, BUT OF COURSE THAT'S NOT THE CASE WITH ME! So I'm just about thinking that I'm a nut job, this can't be right. I'm off on something, my brain has officially convinced my body its as crazy as my mind sometimes feels. So then I'm left wondering, do I need a psychiatrist, or a fertility doctor.
After sleeping on it, I decided to to keep my appointment with the fertility doctor...but didn't rule out the psychiatry appointment, lol. I arrived to the doctors appointment, paid my 30 dollars and then sat on the couch rehearsing what I needed to tell the doctor. You would think with me being in a sales career, where I spoke with doctors all day, I would be a little more calm when speaking to them. That's of course just what you would think...instead I go in there sit in the chair and vomit words all of him. Im pretty sure that I threw 37 sentences on him with out breathing and he may have left the room to collect his thoughts, and/or my fear, to write me a referral to the nearest psychiatrist in the building. But he didn't, he actually went out and got a nurse because they decided to do the ultra sound. Which in fact showed that I had ovulated, normally, praise God! So of course that just jumbled my brain up more then it already was, because on all accounts this wasn't normal, from a medical view, or even from all my in depth, and always factual internet searching, this wasn't possible. So, I'm really glad I have an extremely nice doctor, because he just smiled and let me ask a billion questions while reassuring me that I was completely normal, (in the, your body just jacked up a little this month) kinda normal. This of course was not supposed to happen, we were supposed to either have one of those miracle stories or go with another plan for us that God had lined up, which is also a miracle, just a little bit of different kind. Instead, in true
During this
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20
I can't imagine waiting longer then we already have, and I continually pray and secretly hope that God will change his mind and give me peace about this, but right now I just don't have it. And if I have learned anything, I have learned that if God is involved there will be peace. If He is not, there will be turmoil. This is a hard decision, but what sort of follower am I if I decided to put my selfish desires before His plans for me. So, there it is folks! Please continue to pray for us, we are in good spirits and oddly enough extremely happy in this decision! I will continue to wait in expectation to be a mother, just not exactly expecting, YET!
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