Subtle Irony...I think

I have come to realize that sometimes when God wants to make a point He does it!  I have been really pumped up about a lot of changes in my life and really excited to see where life was heading, since it is clearly heading down a direction that I never saw coming and actually never even knew I wanted until it was right on top of me.

SO DRUM ROLL PLEASE!!!

BIG ANNOUNCEMENT AHEAD...NO, NOT A BABY ANNOUNCEMENT

YOU NERVOUS? 

OK SERIOUSLY HERE IT IS:

  I have been offered a full time position working at The Ark in a brand new department/area doing guest relations!  This whole idea kinda came out of no where, our awesome youth pastor (Thanks John, I owe it to you for getting me thinking) starting putting the idea in my head, to work under him in the youth department, and after my initial response of (just being honest) ummm heck no, I'm not cut out for a church job.  God quickly changed my heart and showed me little by  little that this was my calling and exactly where I needed to be...so I thought.  I was so pumped up for this position when I got an unexpected phone call asking if I would be interested in interviewing for a different position.  After, listening to the job description I said absolutely!

  Now those of you who know me, know I enjoy a plan and time to work things out and make sure things are perfect and I look the part and all is good.  So with this said, I was assuming that they would call me and we would set up an interview for the next day, or since this was Thursday, the next week.  Which gave me much comfort.  Then about 30 minutes later, my phone rang and I was thinking, oh wow that was fast but I can prepare tonight.  NOPE!  They asked me to come in that day!  I calmly accepted the 4pm time slot and hung up the phone, and not so calmly internally screamed!  Now what I should have done was, stop thank Him for the the awesome, amazing way He opened up doors for me.  But the unfortunate truth is, I nearly panicked and fell out of a heart attack.  This particular day, I was extremely tired and having one of those days when I just didn't really care what I looked like, so I hadn't washed my hair that day and to disguise the fact that I hadn't washed my hair the day before...OK OK, don't judge, I was working on 3 days, (let the record show, I never, ever, ever...only maybe every few months do that)  because of my decision that morning, I had half heartily tried to curly my 3 day dirty hair, because, my irrational thinking on this was, my hair is dirty and will hold more curl, right? WRONG.  By, the time I arrived at mt first office I quickly realized we were having a perfect Texas day, full of overcast skies, 100% humidity, and drizzle, and my hair looked like I rolled out of bed and just well, went with it.    Now about my clothes...well lets just say I forgot to go to the cleaners, and "made something up"...so this was not my best day.    After panic attacks and a text message exchange to my best friend Tiff,

I decided I couldn't do anything about it, prayed about it, and got real excited!  After arriving to the Church and interviewing I was more on fire then ever!  I couldn't wait to see where we were going with this. Little did I know that in about 18 hours, I would be offered the position and a soon to be full time employee of The Ark Church in Conroe, TX!

So how excited are you?  I am pumped!!!!  I start February 13th and it can't get here quick enough!

  Now with all these crazy life changing doors opening up, I really believed God was opening up more doors then just this one, and I believed that this was all happening and God had a divine plan and I would find out I was pregnant within the next few days of all of this!  However, that was not the case, God does have a divine plan, but not for today.  I quickly realized that, yet again, instead of praising God for this amazing thing He was doing, I was already moving on to the next thing.  Isn't this the hardest thing about the culture we live in, we are always just instantly gratified and even that isn't good enough?  WE, I sometimes feel that I can't seem to be pleased, I just move past one blessing to the next, and expect it, then stomp my feet when it doesn't happen.  Well yet again, when God wants to make a point He does it.  He has quickly shown me that I need to be still and wait.  WAIT?!  Ugh, I don't want to wait. I have tried explaining to God over and over that waiting really isn't my thing.  And He continues to prove to me, that it is. But after reading my Project 345 (www.project345.com) reading and the scriptures and books I have been reading I was reminded just this morning the story or Sarah and Abraham:

10 Then the Lord said, “I will surely return to you about this time next year, and Sarah your wife will have a son.”
Now Sarah was listening at the entrance to the tent, which was behind him.11 Abraham and Sarah were already old and well advanced in years, and Sarah was past the age of childbearing.
12 So Sarah laughed to herself as she thought, “After I am worn out and my master is old, will I now have this pleasure?”13 Then the Lord said to Abraham, “Why did Sarah laugh and say, ‘Will I really have a child, now that I am old?’
1415 Sarah was afraid, so she lied and said, “I did not laugh.”
But he said, “Yes, you did laugh.”   Genesis 18:10-15

When I read this, I was kinda taken aback and smacked in the face, so to say that, I don't want to be caught laughing at God!  However, I feel that I have outwardly acted as though I believed it would happen, but inwardly I was wrestling with the belief that it would happen.  This internal struggle has really kept me down, and I am taking a stand a admitting the stronghold that has been on me and taking a stand to break free!  In the last few days, which have been a little hard on me, I have been shown over and over that nothing is to hard for God!  I just need to be still and wait! 

Because I am in Christ, the Greater One lives in me.  He is greater then the devil.  Greater than the disease.  Greater than the circumstance.  And He lives in me!  -Kenneth E. Hagin





My brain has left the building...

Well again, I write with another huge gap in between post.  However this one was because I was extremely busy with well extremely busy things, but mostly because I had ridiculous technical difficulties...all this time I had thought that my computer was broken because it wouldn't connect to the internet.  Sadly after actually not getting frustrated and putting the computer down, and actually trying to diagnose the problem, I discovered that (I'm embarrassed to admit) all this time, the simple fix was that the wireless switch was turned off...does this really shock anyone?  I mean seriously, why is that switch even necessary?  Don't we all function around the internet, who actually wants to turn this option off?  (If there is an actual reason for it, please do not tell me, I feel better thinking that this is pointless switch that many people could have made this mistake)

So any who, last time we spoke, er...typed, er...you read, we, well really I was headed back to the doctor to check on my levels of estrogen, because they were extremely high.  Well with my entire cycle being so strange, In between my doctors appointments, I just decided to take an ovulation test and BAMM smiley face popped up.   Which I wont go into detail about, lol, but I'm fairly certain you can figure it out.  So you can imagine my confusion, at all of this, I was 2 weeks late, I make an appointment, get blood drawn, start an hour later, stop a day later, take an ovulation test and its positive, which shouldn't be positive because well what sense does that make?  You don't ovulate until 12 to 14 days after your cycle starts, BUT OF COURSE THAT'S NOT THE CASE WITH ME!  So I'm just about thinking that I'm a nut job, this can't be right.  I'm off on something, my brain has officially convinced my body its as crazy as my mind sometimes feels.  So then I'm left wondering, do I need a psychiatrist, or a fertility doctor. 

  After sleeping on it, I decided to to keep my appointment with the fertility doctor...but didn't rule out the psychiatry appointment, lol.  I arrived to the doctors appointment, paid my 30 dollars and then sat on the couch rehearsing what I needed to tell the doctor.  You would think with me being in a sales career, where I spoke with doctors all day, I would be a little more calm when speaking to them.  That's of course just what you would think...instead I go in there sit in the chair and vomit words all of him.  Im pretty sure that I threw 37 sentences on him with out breathing and he may have left the room to collect his thoughts, and/or my fear, to write me a referral to the nearest psychiatrist in the building.  But he didn't, he actually went out and got a nurse because they decided to do the ultra sound.  Which in fact showed that I had ovulated, normally, praise God!  So of course that just jumbled my brain up more then it already was, because on all accounts this wasn't normal, from a medical view, or even from all my in depth, and always factual internet searching, this wasn't possible.  So, I'm really glad I have an extremely nice doctor, because he just smiled and let me ask a billion questions while reassuring me that I was completely normal, (in the, your body just jacked up a little this month) kinda normal.  This of course was not supposed to happen, we were supposed to either have one of those miracle stories or go with another plan for us that God had lined up, which is also a miracle, just a little bit of different kind.  Instead, in true Nemec fashion, ok, ok, Kerr fashion, poor Travis just got drugged into the odd things that happen to me, we have to go back to drawing board with our plans and yet again wait them out.  Which has also left me with a lot more time to pray and actually get back into the word and realign myself with Gods will for my life. 

  During this hiatus from my blogging career, because I was so extremely busy,  time not knowing how to work my computer.  Travis and I have had some time to get out of our normal life and have the extreme honor and pleasure of attending our youth Retreat, with the jr high and high school kids of our church.  This next part I need to scream because it is so important IF YOU WANT TO BE EXTREMELY BLESSED AND SEE WHAT LIFE IS ABOUT AND FEEL THE POWER OF CHRIST, GET INVOLVED WITH YOUR CHURCH YOUTH GROUP!!!  We went into it extremely nervous and came out as to extremely different people, while we went there for nothing but the kids, God blessed us in more ways then you can ever imagine.  Honestly my life is changed forever, for the better and I am just in awe of our kids, of our church and most importantly of our Lord and Savior.  But with this extreme change also came with a change of plans.  I couldn't help but feel like God was speaking into my heart to wait on Him.  I have argued with Him a bit on this, because I can be a bit stubborn, and after all, I say again, I like getting my way.  After making it clear to me that I need more of Him and less of me,  He must increase, but I must decrease John 3:30. . He showed me that he is 100% in control of my life! He has changed my heart but also has some pretty extreme changes that he was waiting on me to take the first step towards, this being one of the major ones. I can't speak of them all just yet but I can say they are super exciting! You will be shocked, I most certainly was! It's funny how quickly God can pull on your reign and show you just how much He is in control. It kinda makes you feel unworthy that there are so many things that He does for you, no one else but you!

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20

I can't imagine waiting longer then we already have, and I continually pray and secretly hope that God will change his mind and give me peace about this, but right now I just don't have it.  And if I have learned anything, I have learned that if God is involved there will be peace.  If He is not, there will be turmoil.  This is a hard decision, but what sort of follower am I if I decided to put my selfish desires before His plans for me.  So, there it is folks!  Please continue to pray for us, we are in good spirits and oddly enough extremely happy in this decision!  I will continue to wait in expectation to be a mother, just not exactly expecting, YET! 

And we all fall down...

So I left you the last time 8 days late with 3 negative pregnancy test.  And I wish I could come back and say Yay!  I'm pregnant, but well I'm not.  I finally made an appointment with the fertility doctor, and in true form to the way my life goes it was just a hot mess.. 

  I called the doctor yesterday to ask them about what they heck is going on.  So they threw a few random things that could be causing this, and in the end I had no idea what they were talking about and said "uh-huh" "uh-huh" "Yes I will come in and give some blood tomorrow"  So I make my little appointment and prepare to try and sleep through the night.  This morning I woke up and just couldn't help myself, so I took another test, with that small glimmer of hope that I would be able to call them and say "Hold the phones!  Cancel this appointment and lets turn it into an I'm pregnant appointment", but I got a big fat Not Pregnant (now I could have dreamed this, but I'm pretty sure the test was laughing at me, like straight up taunting me, I got it back though, I threw that stupid thing right in the trash).    So I shook it off and went to the doctor for my appointment. 

SIDE NOTE:  On the way to the doctors office I was listening to the radio and they were talking about how twin births are on the rise.  5 years ago 1 in 50 women had twins, and now it is 1 in 25 of them, now I'm not great at math, but I know enough to know that, that number has been cut in half.  So then they further say it is due to higher use of fertility treatments these days. I didn't think much about that until I got in the office and sat in the waiting room with 7 other women...1 in 25, and I'm there with 7, that means our odds are pretty good... NOT FREAKING OUT, NOT FREAKING OUT.

  Anyways, I got to the doctor, paid my $30 copay, barely sat down in the waiting room, they called me back, took me to the blood drawing station, drew some blood and sent me on my way.  It literally took them less them 5 minutes for this "appointment"  I stressed about this for, well this. LOVE HEALTHCARE!  Then I leave the office, and I actually hate to admit that I still had a small glimmer of hope that the blood results would come out with some crazy results, if you know what I mean (of course you know what I mean, that's what this whole thing is about, duh!).  So anyways, about an hour and a liter water later, I will let figure out where I went.  I went in not really thinking about anything, came out with proof that I'm not pregnant.  Now my first thought was probably not what you think it was, I actually thought dang why did I spend $30 dollars an hour ago,  yup terrible.  Then I thought, well dang.  DANG!  SHOOT!  CRAP!  If there was something I could have kicked I may have, ok I wasn't really so mad I could kick something, just kinda like, well dang.   I could have let it ruin my day (which it did) but not in the emotional wreck kinda way, more in the I'm afraid my ovaries may fall out while walking kinda way.  As much as it just all seems so unfair, I decided to just go on and live out the Glory of God, because as I have said so many times, it will be all worth it, and Gods plan is so much better then mine.  So I made it through the work day and then when I got home my brain started going into overdrive...which means I wanted to cry, but I didn't!!  Its the little victories, right! 

In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.  Psalm 4:8

My doctor called me this evening to give me the results of my blood test to show why it took me so long to start, and apparently my estrogen levels were extremely high.  You may be asking, well what does this mean, which would be an extremely good question.  Except they couldn't tell me, ggrrr.  I have to go back on Monday to do more blood work, then hopefully we will know where to go from there. 

While this is the most frustrating thing ever in the whole world, I still hold strong to the fact that there will be an awesome testimony from all of this.  I already feel overwhelmed by the awesome emails and comments I have gotten from this blog, its amazing how when you open up and just be honest, people start to open up.  I hope that if I can help one person from feeling the way I felt for so long about being embarrassed, and ashamed of something that so many women go through, it will all be worth it.

I remember 2011 like it was yesterday.

                                  HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!  WAHOO, YAY!

I write this hoping everyone had a wonderful New Years and Christmas!  I know I had a great one, with some awesome friends!  After doing what I do, and cooking for only about 8 hours on Saturday and a few on Friday I made way to much food and stressed way more then I needed to, but all it all it was a GREAT way to start 2012.

I go into 2012 with a lot on my mind, and in my quest of honesty, and giving way to much information here ya go. 

WARNING: THIS COULD WILL CONTAIN RAMBLING (not that this is different from the rest of the blogs, but since my mind is going non-stop it may be more excessive then normal) 

  Well I start this year a week late (yup, the kinda late that you are thinking) and with a couple negative pregnancy test under my belt.  I'm not near as upset as normal,  actually the truth is, I had a very brief confusing "am I gonna cry or is something in my eye" moment, its actually kind of a strange phenomenon, I'm not bawling, or eating chocolate or even really feeling sorry for myself.  Yup, new beginnings for me, lol.  I prayed before I took the test(s), which was huge in itself because I have said before I DO NOT take test. I just don't, way to traumatic. Anyway, I asked for a change my heart to be happy with the results, because I want to completely submerge myself in Gods will for my life, and if its not to be pregnant right now, then so be it. So, so be it, now we just wait.  Which, believe me, is not easy. 

Its kinda fitting that we would have something like this happen the month before we start fertility, its not like I have an exactly "normal" life, haha.  We all know things happen to me that just don't happen to most people, I don't like to think of them as bad, just minor little test to keep me humble and in continual laughter.  So, anyways (see I told you I would ramble) its kinda fitting, because when we first started this fertility journey and got brave enough to share with people, we like most everything else in life, got everyone mothers, brother, and 5th cousins opinion or story.  Now I'm not complaining about that because people truly want to make you feel better, except the bad ones who didn't agree with our plan (to which I simply would reply "when you have prayed about my story and the Holy Spirit directly speaks to you and tells you to tell me not to do it, then I would like to know, but until then, this is my journey, thank you though"), but what was even more hard to hear and I kinda had to shove out of my mind was, the story that everyone had, oh my friend/cousin/sister/aunt was going to do fertility and then when they stopped thinking about it, they got pregnant right before they started. 

I'm going to say something, that I hope no one takes offense to, but when you find out a friend is trying to get pregnant and having some issues, please what ever you do, do not say "Just stop thinking about it, it will happen"  I know that no one means harm when they say that, but here is the simple truth:  THERE IS NO POSSIBLE WAY TO STOP THINKING ABOUT IT!  It is probably the only thing you can think about, its always in your mind, it never leaves, and its always around you reminding you.  And, again in the quest of honesty, when you have been trying for yearS, you cant even be intimate with your husband without making it a job and its all you think about (don't worry, my husband knows this and feels the same way, its just the harsh truth).  

As for everyone telling us, they got pregnant right before the treatments, while encouraging, kinda puts a lot of pressure on you.  I decided we couldn't think that wouldn't happen for us, because while that would be awesome, the reality is, its not in every ones cards.  So, with that said and I sit here 8 days late, with a negative test,  can you see what a pickle I'm in, lol.  Here I had planned to call the doctor the day I started, and the ball would begin rolling (or dropping, since we are going with the new years theme), but now what?  I'm never late, now I am, and I'm not pregnant.  Oh well!  I plan on being joyful no matter what!
Well, all I can do is look forward to the future, and count my blessings in 2011!  Who knows what my future holds, but I know that it will be full of joy, and in my 2012 I will want to live my life in Christ will for me and my goal is to not miss an opportunity He has given to me! 

Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own.  But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.  Let those of us who are mature think this way and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. Philippians 3: 13-15

Its the most Hap-Happiest time of the year, if you let it be!

  When I think of this time of year I automatically start singing, "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas" then I think, no I'm not, I have never had a white Christmas (well except that one year as a flight attendant that I was in Canada in a hotel room alone, but that's another story) and its never actually been something I dreamed about.  So why does my mind automatically start thinking of something that is actually not in my realm of knowledge, nor is it really a possibility to have an actual white Christmas (flurries, maybe a little white frost yes, snow, no) well I will tell you.  Its the same reason that we all go around thinking that we deserve a car with a big red bow on it, a diamond on every major holiday (which I would certainly not say no to, but eh, I like to pay my bills) and we should all be smiling even when someone cuts in front of us in line and take the last one of what we wanted, it all has to do with one word TELEVISION!  Now I'm not writing a blog about how TV is bad, by no means, I do love me some TV (says the girl who has a house of 2 people and 3 TVs) but I have recently been seeing so many things that make me kinda cringe. 

  I turned on the my tube the other day and in one break there was a commercial, about a wife forgetting to buy her husband a gift and running out and buying a car, a dog running in with a ring around his neck to a women, erectile dysfunction (OK that's not relevant , but those do annoy/make me say kinda laugh...I'm just being honest) and kids counting down to Santa bringing her presents.  These all make life seem so perfect, and sweet, and lead us into HUGE expectations of what we should be getting for presents.  When in reality Christmas, a time that is supposed to be so joyous, and happy and awesome for the one and only reason, which is Christ birth, has become one giant annoying, everyone grumbling around, going broke time of year.  I will be the first person to admit, I have totally gotten caught up in this, for example, the other day I prayed that God would lift some of my need to control all the gifts and what and when we bought them (yeah I'm a women who likes to control things, sue me) off of me and help me let go and put Him in control.  Then I promptly called my husband and told/yelled at him what he had to do for a someones gift, and when it had to be done by...thank goodness for grace, because clearly this control thing is going to be something that I really need help with. 
  Well, in true form of being caught up in all of this, I have been super stressed this year about getting it all done when I had a real reality check Wednesday and some how the stress kinda melted away.  I normally don't ever tell people things like this, because well I just feel like its not something to be broadcasted, but this year was different.  Every year since Travis and I have been together we have adopted a family for Christmas.  This year being no different, we decided to ask some friends if they would like to go in with us.  Well, y'all know how in previous post I already told you how cool my friends were?  I proved it once again, my friends Mr and Mrs. Bass had already taken a family on!  So after a little discussion, The Fisher Family, Bass Family, and Nemec Family decided to all adopt this little family to give them an awesome Christmas!  So after many emails, we all got together, bought these babies presents and planned a day for delivery.  I have to be honest, some of this actually felt a little routine, and the true meaning of it hadn't actually hit me until we got there to deliver the gifts (this is a terrible thing to admit, I know, but I'm trying to be as honest as possible here).

We arrived knocked on the families door, and when we were greeted my heart did a flip flop.  I saw 4 sweet little faces with smiles as big as Texas, 4 little faces that were so excited they could barely contain themselves.  As if this didn't melt my heart enough I was standing in the living room talking to them, and I felt these little arms around my leg randomly giving me a hug.  Y'all this was a hug like no other.  It was the most genuine hug I think I may have ever received.  It was a 5 year old who was truly grateful for the presents "Santa's Elves" brought her.  It was honest. It was thoughtful. Most importantly it was, love, which was the only way her little 5 year old self knew how to show what she was feeling.  We stayed and played with the kids for a little bit and loved on this little family and just took in the excitement that they were feeling.  It was infectious, it put a smile on all of our faces (especially when the little girls kept wanting us to pass them back and forth, and before we left had learned our names), we just wanted to be in the moment forever.  However as we all know moments cant last forever and we have to leave and go back to our lives and get back to "normal".  But for some reason I couldn't stop thinking about this family and the love that they had not only for one another, but for us, complete strangers, people they will probably never see again. 

(This is a really long post, so I give you permission to stop reading now if you want)

I really wish I could finish this and tell you how the rest of the week was just one big sweet moment, and how I really learned the true meaning of Christmas and how changed I was.  Except here is the real story:

So once we got off of our high for delivering gifts, I went to bed and woke up in a very undream-like normal day, it was like all the magic disappeared and I had to continue to prepare for Christmas with my family. Of course, just like I promised I wouldn't do, I couldn't help letting myself get a little stressed about it all, because in true Kayla fashion, I decided I needed to do it all, and make it all (I am not crafty AT ALL, so my talents are more in my cooking, I always try to make up for my uncraftyness by cooking a billion things).  So I made my list of last minute gifts to buy, my list of everything I felt I needed to cook and bake and tried to plan out my time to get it all done.  Well instead of making this a fun time where I could really focus on the meaning of Christmas and this time with my family, I found myself getting very ungrateful and unhappy.  I grumbled about doing it all, and not having time to get it all done.  I stomped around like a child who just got her candy taken from her, because I had SSOOO much to do and no time to get it all done, and oh poor me.  So as I was being a big ole baby, Travis was so trying to cheer me up and it just annoyed me for some reason.  Unfortunately, it wasn't until I snapped, well, no reason at all, then Travis snapped and we just had a few minutes of pointless screaming and being big ole babies (I'm grown up enough to admit, I did that) that I was slammed back into the reality of the moment.  Where had that joy gone on Wednesday?  Where had those feelings of love and hope and happiness go?  Why couldn't I remember the scripture I had recited to myself all week  Better a meal of vegetables where there is love than a fattened calf with hatred.  Proverbs 15:17?   It took me and my husband getting into a full fledged argument on Christmas Eve to bring me back to reality (I wish I could tell a different story, but hey sometimes the truth is just not that fun).  The reality that this was not about how well I could cook, how much money we could spend, or anything other then the birth of our Lord and Savior.  This was a time that we could get together with the people that we loved the most, and just celebrate the lives we have because we have a Father who loves us so much that He sent His only son to die for our sins and give us eternal life.   Once that hit me I changed my tune!  I now sit here and reflect on the the past few days and think about what an awesome family and life I have, I remember the little family about how we were able to bless them with a Christmas that they would not have been able to have and how this season is so easy to just get lost in.  Besides the fact that while at church my dog ate an entire batch of Jalapeno Sausage Cups that were left cooling on the kitchen counter, and that my grandmother told me that she didn't like what I had done with my hair (at least she didn't tell me this year that marriage had agreed with me, but that I had gained weight in the right places) and besides that fact that sometimes my family closely resembles the The Griswold's, minus the squirrel in the tree, I have a fantastic, wonderful, filled with more love then one deserves family!  I have a God that loves us so much He gave His only son!  I am beyond blessed and cant imagine any other life then the one I have been given!

Jesus truly is the reason for the season and I pray that if I ever start to forget this, I get a jolt back into reality! 

Here are just a few of my blessings, a couple Christmas pics of some of my neices and nephews!

List are stupid...

Ugh I promised I wouldn't take giant breaks in this whole blogging thing, but y'all I have been BUSY!  I wish I could be all uplifting and say "Oh its a good busy, I'm so blessed to have plans and friends and family who want to see me and share my time"  but the truth is I have been so incredibly busy that I honestly have no idea what I have done.  Literally no recollection of the past weeks since Thanksgiving, its like I wake up, work out, and that is where the schedule goes haywire until the next day when I wake up and think, what they heck did I do yesterday.  But, hey I'm still waking up, and that's the main thing right!

On to the actual intended blog post:

Today was one of those days where I woke up and went to work out like normal, except today I woke up with an odd feeling.  Its my 29th birthday today (and I didn't cry!)  its my last year in my twenties, my last year to be considered "young"  I'm a full fledged adult...(sorry for the pause, I had to chew on that and wash it down with some water)  I know we all get older, and I know that most people are fine with it, but for some reason age has always freaked me out.  I think I have always put an extra special pressure on myself about age, and what in my personal timeline I needed to have accomplished.  It was actually fairly recently that I found a list I made myself in high school about my 5 year, 10 year, and 20 year plan (I know I'm not the only nerd who did this), well it was kinda funny that I have always been a planner, even when I didn't know what I was planning.  As I read through the list I realized I have accomplished a lot I set out for myself, I graduated college, got a job, bought a car (well a couple, due to my talent for totalling cars), got married, and bought a house.   So I gave myself a pat on the back for my accomplishing a fairly generic list of goals that most high school kids had, and never thought about it again.

  Then there was this morning.  My 29th birthday (geeze why do you keep reminding me...age is just a number and you're only as old as you feel...oh sorry I just had a Stewart Smalley moment (for those of  you who don't get that, you tube it)) I think I just put a parenthesis in a parenthesis, Julie Beken will be cringing with that, lol.  KAYLA GET BACK ON TRACK.  Anyways My 29th birthday, birthday, birthday, birthday(that was an echo).  The stupid list popped back up, it was like the enemy was trying to remind me the one main thing on the list I hadn't accomplished,  kids.  So here I sit with birth announcements, and baby belly's all around me, and I don't have one.  I'm still stuck peeing on an ovulation stick hoping for a smiley face, you're jealous right, its glamorous life but someone has to live it.  So like every other thing I do, I over analyzed this morning why this stupid little list kept popping up in my head.  I remember last year getting the pep talks, this is your year, I just feel like its going to happen for you, well here is it, me and my list again this year and sadly friends, obviously that didn't happen, so instead of moping about it, I decided to change my perspective. I have a new sense of peace about it all.  I read this morning something that I literally read on the exact same day last year and underlined it.

 Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed. Proverbs 16:3 

Y'all I being the planner that I am, stopped what I was doing and like every self respecting person in this day and age, facebooked about it.  But after that I was like WHOA, my plans will succeed, if I commit them to You.  Stop drink that in, like ice water on a hot day.  COMMIT TO THE LORD WHATEVER YOU DO, and your plans WILL succeed.  If your like me you have to read this several times to actually grasp it (you probably don't, because you are much smarter then me, but this is not about you and your bragging about yourself)  Here is what I saw that He was trying to tell me on the same day last year.  Kayla, Commit to me EVERYTHING and your plans will succeed.  Now here is the tricky part my pea brain didn't grasp, no where in that did God put a 5 year, 10 year or 20 year plan.  He simply said commit and your plans will succeed, not commit and I will give you what you want in a year.  Now the other tricky part, saying your plans will succeed means the plans he has laid out for you, which lets be honest are way better.  Get it?  Not the plan that I made for myself, because, well that is how I wanted it and I should get what I want, right, I mean I wrote it down when I was 16 and knew everything.   WRONG!!!

  I am about to admit something that I can barely type, it is hard for me to even put into writing, but I am, was your typical youngest (favorite, but don't tell my siblings) child, I got my way, I liked getting my way, and if I didn't I cried and usually ended up getting my way...My name is Kayla and I was a full fledged bratty kid.  OMG that was worse then admitting I like to watch the biggest loser while eating fresh baked cookies, its just wrong.  I think my fingers burn just typing it...  So when I read this I may have pouted a little, I stomped my feet threw my hands in the air and scream "WHY ME"...ok, ok I didn't I actually didn't do that last part, I just always see it on TV and imagined doing it, but I did pout and think it wasn't fair, (I didn't say I was fully over my bratty kid syndrome).  And so I did the only thing I knew to do in this situation and prayed.

So I have prayed about this all day, and between, over 100 super awesomely sweet humbling birthday messages and an awesome Josh Wilson concert at church tonight, I have decided no more list!  Only committing in EVERYTHING and knowing that my specifically designed plans will succeed.  I'd say that's a pretty good revelation to have on ones birthday!  Thank you Lord, for always being there to point out the obvious, even when we don't always see what is right in front of our faces.

The rain always comes before the rainbows...right

  Well this week has been a whirl wind of amazingness!  Food, food, food, food, family, food, shopping, left overs and Christmas movie marathons.  We hosted our first Thanksgiving this year, which if I must say so myself was a complete success!  Besides the fact that we didn't have near enough chairs, and my oven was on from Wednesday afternoon until Thursday afternoon, and that I completely misjudged drinks for everyone and ran out, I have to say I was pretty awesome, lol.  Its good thing my family is awesome and no one cared.  Thursday morning I had a great idea, that Travis and I would wake up and run a 5 mile race, so that I could eat what I wanted that afternoon.  I had a mini panic attack that I wasnt going to have time for everything, but low and behold I forced myself to be organized and I got everything done...amazing what organization can do for you.

  Along with Thanksgiving being all up in my face.  There was also a huge elephant in the room, the one that comes every month,  you know the one that helps us remember we are "lucky" to be women (which on a totally random tangent, someone PLEASE explain to me why everyone looks so happy and perfect in tampon commercials, says the girl layed up on the couch in fat pants and no makeup) ugh.  Anyways, back to the elephant in the room.  This week every month I am always on the edge, analyzing every little thing about my body.  Its actually hard to explain if you have never been through it, but Im hoping that I am normal when I say that I always think everything means Im pregnant.  Its kinda sad to admit this, but I am so desperate to be pregnant I have made ever possible feeling a symptom of pregnancy in my head...sadly I have had silly thoughts like "hhhmmm, thats odd, I have never burped after eating yogurt"  or "ok this is crazy, my left boob feels different then normal"  I mean come on, who can even remember those things.  Well this month, I did have something a little different happen that doesn't normally, maybe TMI, but well who cares.  My boobs were EXTREMELY sore for a couple weeks, like so sore it hurt to sleep.  And normally they get sore, like most women but not for extended periods of time like this month.  So for someone like me who has been analyzing this for a couple years now, and never remembered this happening, Im not going to lie,  I kinda let my self get a little excited. I really thought this was it, this could be the month.  So besides, Thanksgiving all week, it was on my mind more then normal.  I didn't want to tell anyone, because I didn't want the hopeful pep talks and then have to tell people it didn't happen again, but inside I was a ball of emotions.  Now I knew that it would or wouldn't happen on Saturday (because seriously yall, I am like clock work, Im pretty sure when they made the 28 day calendar, they went off of me) so I just impatiently waited.  I even did something I never let myself do.  I looked up on the internet pregnancy syptoms, which of course I figured out a way that I had all of them.  IevenlookedupwaystoannounceIwaspregnant...can't believe I admitted that, lol.  Now you may be thinking, why didn't you just take a test, well I learned very early on, NOT to do that.  You know when there is one brownie left and you have thought about it all day, and when you get home someone ate it?  Times that let down, a billion and there you have my reaction to a negative pregnancy test, lol, so its just best I don't do it.

  Well turns out I wasn't, got my lucky little gift this morning, on Saturday, like I said.  At first I had a sinking feeling and felt a little sorry for myself (yes its my party, and I will cry if I want to) it was just supposed to be my time, I did what I was supposed to, I have held up my end of the deal, why isnt God?  This baby will have a good home, it will be loved more then words can explain (it already is), it has a name, it has a room, it has everything it needs.  I did what I was supposed to do, why isn't this working.  And seriously of all days, this had to happen on a gloomy rainy day (even more of a good combination for feeling sorry for yourself, lol). 

However those feelings will only last as long as I let them.  I picked myself up and made myself go out side in the rain and do the very last thing I wanted to do, run.  I ran, and I ran, and I got soaked, as the rain picked up so did my tears and so did my pleading...well more like arguing with God.  Then something happened, that stopped me nearly in my tracks...well I didn't really stop, I mean God likes to talk to me, but surely he didnt want me more soaked then I was, sooooo I ran a little slower...I remembered that I wasnt giving God the glory for the things I had, so there on the street in front of my house I started lising things out in my head that I had:

A wonderful husband
A wonderful family
A home for a baby to come home to one day
The best friends in the world {I know thats cliche to say, but seriously I really do, yall are awesome}
A job
An awesome church family
My health, duh Im running (well not now, but this was earlier)
My puppies

However most importantly I have a God that loves me!  He has given me everything on the above list, and until I am happy with that, what will I ever be happy with?  I am happy with the life God has given me and if a baby is never in my future I know that there is another amazing plan for me, and for that I am satisfied!

Now dont go thinking that I am perfect at this, I hope to not stumble on this, but I can't promise I wont have another day of tears.  Thank you Father for the mercy to pick me back up and put me back on track again and again!

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Jeremiah 29:11