Crunchin' Some Numbers

My friend Monica recently wrote a blog about it being National Infertility Awareness Week  (www.resolve.com), which you should read, Farmers Faith.  In it she talks about people not understanding infertility, or even really being aware of it.  Well all this got me thinking (scary right)about things people have said to me through this journey.  Don't get me wrong, I understand the the average person doesn't get the struggle my family is going through...or wait, do you, studies show that 1 in 7 couples struggle to get pregnant,soak that in for a second. That's A LOT, y'all.  For instance, I know 6, count 'em, 6 couples who are very good friends, that have been trying for what seems like forever.  So enough of this unawareness, make yourself aware, chances are you know a friend, sister, cousin, or coworker that is going through this.  I realize I tend to be pretty open and vocal about it, which can freak people out, but I don't understand why people are afraid to talk about it, God got me over that real quick, this is His story NOT mine. Period.  He gets all the glory the day my baby comes! 

So since I'm not afraid, here are some things that you may or may not know. 

Couples under 35 are told to try for a year then seek medical help, what they are not told is that insurance does not cover the help.   After seeking the help, it could take several months of testing to even begin to get a diagnosis, which adds to the time you're not pregnant.  THEN, they can diagnose you with something called "Unexplained Infertility"  seriously?!?!?!?  is this even a diagnosis. I mean they should really call it "there is definitely something wrong, we just don't know what it is" that would be a more accurate name, lol.   If you happen to get this diagnosis, doctors are speechless and give you a whole slew of "inexpensive" different medications to try and boost your chances of getting pregnant.  Which if those dont help, leads to several more months, adding to the pain and heartache of waiting. 

Then we get into the real meat of infertility.  The assisted ways to get pregnant.  This is where the real frustration comes in for most couples.  The least expensive option is the lowest level of  Intrauterine Insemination or IUI, and cost on average $1,200, and they recommend you try that THREE times.  Again if that doesn't work you have to try the more expensive option, which usually leads people to IVF which is pretty much the last stop for most people, of course short of donor eggs, and asking another women to carry your baby.  However one round of IVF can cost about $20,000, put your eyes back in your head, I bet you had no idea that it cost so much.  If you have never struggled getting pregnant, I'm not telling you this, to make you feel sorry for anyone going through it, I'm telling you this, so you will understand how badly we want our babies. 

  Now enough of the money, money is something you can borrow.  Here is the real struggle.  I'm going to use myself for an example because that is the best I got.  We have tried for 3 years exactly this month.  A comment that someone once said to me, is the one that I have had the hardest letting go of, they probably don't even remember saying it, and were honestly trying to be helpful, but to me it hit me to my core and I remember the place and time it was said.  They said "well it hasn't been that long that you have been trying, some people try a lot longer"  it may not seem like much, but here is were I started crunching the numbers. 

• Three years of trying to conceive equals 36 heartbreaks, each time your cycle starts.
• Three years of trying to conceive equals 156 weekly trips to the grocery store and not being able to park in the expectant mothers spot.
• Three years of trying to conceive equals 180 recommended times of trying to "relax" and have fun, while, well trying to conceive, and not looking at it as a mission to accomplish something.
• Three years of trying to conceive equals 504 days in the two week period of waiting and counting every little twinge your body makes, between ovulation and waiting to see if you are pregnant.
• Three years of trying to conceive equals 1095 days of being reminded daily that you do not have your baby. 
• Three years of trying to conceive is what seems like a million baby shower invites, birth announcements, or people sharing the "I'm pregnant" news.

I realize these numbers may not mean much, but to someone who has been waiting and seeing the other 6 our of the 1 in 7 couples around them get pregnant theses numbers are huge.  I know infertility is not a life threatening disease, but it is a life changing diagnosis.  It is something that you are reminded daily of, in the mall, the parking lot, in the gym (do you have any idea how bad I WANT to burn off baby weight, crazy right), it is all around us.  And when I admit this next thing you will think I'm crazy, but there are some days I sit in my car and pretend/daydream I have a baby in my back seat, or that I can feel my baby in my arms.  So I write this again, not to make anyone feel sorry for me or anyone else going through this, I write this to put it in perspective, so that maybe next time you want to be helpful, you don't say "just don't think about it and have fun" (there are no such things as, don't think about it days)  you just simply be a shoulder to cry on, a person to pray with and an ear to listen.  That's what we need, not advice, or stories of other people you know.

Love you all, and as always thank you for the prayers.!!


He settles the childless woman in her home

as a happy mother of children.

Praise the Lord.

Psalm 113:9

A letter from your Dad

To my beloved children,

Though I have yet to see your beautiful faces with my own eyes or hold you in my arms, I wanted you to know how much I have loved you and prayed for you every day for as long as I can remember. I know that although your mother and I have longed to have you with us, we both know that God has a plan for each of you and has already touched each of your lives with His love and that He will give you to us when the time is right. We take heart in this but at the same time we both have moments where we cannot help but be overwhelmed by a deep desire to already know each of you and see you every day. I find myself daydreaming about you, what you will look like, whose personality you will have more of (Heaven help me if all of you have your mother’s!), if you will you share my joy of sports or outdoors, about hearing your laughter filling our home, hunting or going to ball games with my son, walking my girl down the aisle, how I get to watch you all grow up to be mothers and fathers of your own one day. And most importantly how the Lord will one day use you for his kingdom. I cannot wait to see how each of you develops your own unique gifts and talents and how each of you will touch the people around you. I also pray that I never let a day go by that I don’t let any of you know how much I love and treasure you. That you never have any doubt that your father cares for you and loves you with all his heart. I know I will have my moments of frustration that I will say or do things that I instantly regret, but please know it will never be my intention to hurt you. I vow to protect you, to clothe you, feed you and soothe you when you are sad or sick. Most importantly, I promise to set the example of what a Godly husband and father should be. This I promise you all. Until all of this transpires, I will continue to wait patiently for you to explode suddenly into our lives and completely turn our world upside. I can’t wait for the sleepless nights, the dirty diapers and of course the daily messes made around the house (sorry you got an OCD neat freak dad). I can’t wait for the muddy feet, scraped knees, the yelling at you for picking on your siblings, Christmas morning chaos, seeing you harvest your first deer, making you do your homework, conversations around the dinner table, Sunday mornings scrambling to make it to church on time, shooting hoops or playing catch with you, holding your hand when a boy breaks your heart at school, Baptisms, shopping for dresses, teaching you to read, sharing our love for animals, watching you serve in youth groups, birthday parties, Easter egg hunts, food courts and mall walking with the girls, practices, games, Texans games we go home hoarse from, graduations, homecomings, proms, and weddings. You are all so loved, more than you can know, and before you have even arrived. You are the treasures of my heart. I believe that God delayed your arrival because he saw your parents in need of preparation for you. To be the best parents we could be so that you grow up in home that fills you with a love and a desire for Jesus, in a home that inspires you to go out into the world and do good for His kingdom. The changes He has made in our lives the last few years are beyond anything we could ever have dreamt. I know that the time is coming soon when I get to meet you because of the things He has put in place… but until then, know that your father loves you so very much. See you all very soon!!!

Love,

Your father – Travis

Easter, March 31, 2013

A letter to my Little Promises

HE IS RISEN!!  Easter Sunday is one of my favorite days of the entire year.  I love to focus on the love of Jesus and just stand in awe as we worship our Lord and Savior.  I love to read the stories of the crucifixion and just reflect on the amazing, powerful, ever present love that our God, our creator had for us.  Today as I reflected on the meaning of the day, and thought about the fact that Jesus died for my sins, that he loved us so much that He sent His only son to die a gruesome death, for me who is very imperfect, got me thinking about the love I will have for my children.  It has been on my heart to write my babies a letter and today just seems like the perfect day to do it.  So bare with me, and don't worry I haven't gone off the deep end...yet...its just been something on my heart to write.  I understand if you think this is weird and don't want to read it.

My little promises,

  As I sit here on the night before it turns 3 years to the day that we have been praying for you, I want to write you a letter to tell you a few things.  I know you might already think this is weird, but as you may have guessed your Mom is not exactly normal.  And jokes on you, you can't do anything about it, lol (laugh out loud, in case you totally don't know that means in 18 years.)  We do not know if you will be a Nash Brooks, or a Sadie Rae, or both.  We do not know, nor do we care, we just want you!

   First, I start by telling you that I have loved you from the moment you became a glimmer of hope in my heart,  but no matter how much we love you,  we know that you are not ours but Gods. We are thankful that we will have the privilege to be your parents and have already prayed A LOT for you.  I have prayed for you to be happy, healthy, funny, humble,  but mostly kind hearted.  I have prayed for you to have your daddy's eyes, lips,curly blonde hair, and of course my ears (you're welcome, I know you saw Dad's high school pictures) don't worry I also prayed you wouldn't have my nose.   I have prayed that you be a dog lover, as well as have compassion and a love for all animals.  But, mostly I have asked God to give you a heart for people, one like your Dad, who loves everyone and can find the good in all people, that you have empathy and annoying levels of positivity.  I prayed that you will find the humor and laughter in all situations, but that you can also be a shoulder for your friends to lean on.  I have prayed that you are giving, giving of time, possessions, and whatever else you are called to give.  I have prayed so much more for you, but if I wrote it all down you would be like "OK, I get it."

  Second, as much as I have prayed for you, I have prayed for us as parents.  I want to tell you that I am sorry for any mistakes, short comings, and mess ups.  I know that we are not perfect, and I have never expected to go into this parenting thing, thinking I knew what I was doing.  I have prayed that God will guide us on how to love you, how to discipline you, and how to have grace when you have pushed me to my limits.  I have prayed that as your parents we will know how to be, well, your parents.  I pray that you will never know anything from us but the feeling of love, even when sometimes you think we are being mean.  I pray that when you are puking down the hall way, I can remember these times of waiting for you and hug you a little tighter (and that God will keep my gag reflex in check, at least in front of you.)   I also want you to know that I will try my hardest to make you special heart shaped cupcakes, and home made favors for your birthdays, but to be honest in reality it may be a little debbie, and a store bought favors.

   I pray that as your parents, we will always put our marriage above you.  That it will always be one of love and respect for each other, so that through our relationships with God and each other along with His guidance we can teach you what a happy Godly marriage looks like. 

 Third,  I want you to know that there will be times we butt heads, that I am having a bad day, or that Dad or myself may just miss the mark, but that no matter what the situation we will be seeking God to know our next step.  I want you to know that you will not get every pair of tennis shoes you want, or every new electronic, but that we will provide exactly what you need, you may feel like you are dying, but you will not.  I also want you to know that when that kid at school hurts your feelings, or does something you don't like I will be your shoulder to cry on, but I will not take care of your battles, I will teach to be strong and independent, so that you can raise your family one day, even when that means it is hard to watch you cry.  I will help you with your homework, but I will not give you the answers.  I will push you on the swing, but when you get big enough you will have to learn to kick your own legs.  During all these times you thought I was being mean and not helping, something you won't have known is it will be harder for me to watch then do it for you, but I had to teach you to be the man or woman God created you to be.  I will always be there to talk, but I will always ask you if you talked with God first. 

  Nash and Sadie, we do not know you, nor do we know when we will know you, but what we do know is that God knows you, and we rest in that comfort.  We know that you will be perfect in Gods eyes as well as ours, we love you and are thankful for the privilege of being your parents.  No matter how old you get you will always be our little promises!

Love you to the moon and back,

Mom

Hebrews 11:11

A tale of two...problems

Seriously it is almost March!  WHAT?!?!?!  Where did January and February go?  I feel like I slept through them, but judging by my calendar, bank account and exhaustion level I was clearly very alive during these last several weeks.  Life is living up to the ole "It only goes faster the older you get" saying that I heard my grandparents say my whole life.

Well lets see, a lot has happened in the last few weeks, where do I start. I guess I will start a little further back (don't worry I'm not going to the rehash the whole story and cry, and throw fits...I bet you got worried) I'm only going to head back to December.  In December, Travis and I decided to go back to the fertility doctor, just to see what our next step could possibly be.  After an exhausting visit, where we literally picked our doctors brain for over an hour and had more information then we bargained for, she mentioned that after looking at my chart, there were some abnormalities in my uterus that she wanted to do further testing on.  We questioned her about what they were and why they were there, only to determine that 1). there may or may not have been polyps in my uterus (these are completely harmless with no health risk) 2). she had no idea if they were really there or just artifacts of the ultra sound and 3) she had no idea why they had not been found earlier, because after all, these things take YEARS to grow.

So you may have guessed that we left there a little confused mixed with a little excitement (this was the closest thing to a "why" that we had gotten in almost 3 years) but most of all we left knowing that we had some things to pray about.  So we made our way through Christmas and New Years knowing that we had a lot about to happen in the near future.

 We finally got to the day of testing and I went in not nervous at all, it was strange, but I wasn't even the slightest bit worried.  I knew that God was in this!  After much poking and prodding, it was determined that I had a spot on my uterus that was described in super technical medical terms "like a packing peanut, just taking up a space"  glad that she explained it so well, lol.  She also went on to say, "they can be removed easily, they just go in a pluck it off."   PLUCK???  Really,  I mean the word pluck never sounds pleasant.  After my initial reaction to the plucking she explained it a little differently, which calmed my nerves and let me focus on the real thing at hand,  It seemed that for the first time WE HAD OUR REASON!  Let me say it again WE HAD A REASON!!!  An actual thing to pray about.  I know this seems silly, but to us it felt huge!  We were thrilled, in a very strange excited about a problem want to jump up and down, but know that would be super creepy and weird, given the circumstances, way.  This was an answered prayer. So the surgery was planned.  

To skip ahead a bit and spare you the details: 

As I sit here on my bed, recovering from surgery, I am excited to report that I did not pass out when  I saw the stitches in my stomach...only when I touched them, AND that all went well!  However
instead of "plucking" one packing peanut they plucked two.  These two packing peanuts (I sorda feel like a fed ex box explaining all of this) weren't just placed anywhere, they were placed directly in the exact shape and size of the opening of my tubes, which allowed nothing to pass by.  Now to most this wouldn't be a happy thing to find out that things were completely blocked, but to me it was amazing news!  It doesn't medically make sense that after having this similar procedure once before, numerous doctors visits, 2 IUI treatments and many more ultra sounds that one of these went unnoticed, much less TWO of them!  What doesn't make sense to doctors, make perfect sense to me, in Hebrews 11:3 if the world can be called into existence by Gods word, why can't packing peanuts?  

So basically what it boils down to is this, I wish I could say that I knew His timing, and I wish I could say that I will get pregnant from this tomorrow (well not exactly tomorrow...), but I can't.  What I can say is that I still hold the promises that God gave me very close to my heart, and I still believe that God is good all the time in His timing!  

We thank you for your continued prayer!  

I ain't eatin' black eyed peas this year!

  Well, here we are, a full year after I first shared our journey.  Another year with no baby, and lot less in the bank account, lol, you would think that should be going the other way, but that isn't how Nemecs do stuff.  2012 was an interesting year, it was my 29th year of life, Travis' 30th.  It started much like this one, full of hope, joy and excitement to see what the future would hold.  Little did we know what a rollercoaster it would be.   

It would be easy for us to look at this past year as a horrible year. I mean strange things happened to us. It all started with the spray nozzle.  That thing flew off our the faucet in our kitchen soaking everything, and requiring the whole sink to be replaced, Travis' Ford truck made its final hoorah, our washing machine flooded the entire downstairs, we had to replace the floors and insurance didn't cover it (thankful for new floors, thankful for new floors, just keep repeating it Kayla) we had two failed fertility treatments, I broke my tooth (...eating brown sugar from a spoon...ok I finally admitted how it happened, geez people stop making me feel guilty for secrets),  job changes, my car nearly made it last hoorah, it was down for 2 weeks (luckily it was revived, praise God), Travis blew out his ankle (just a side note, when he was walking out the door he jokingly said "hope I don't break my ankle, since you aren't coming to the game" to which I replied "don't speak that over yourself"  Moral: always listen to me), we replaced the washing machine to which the very next week the dryer nozzle broke off, leaving us turning the handle with pliers (and I refuse to replace a working dryer just because it doesn't have a nozzle, so come over borrow it all you want, but know it ain't pretty), I got food poisoning the day before vacation and nearly had to cancel, and last but not least our dog nearly died...or so we thought, and after a $500 dollar vet bill, we learned she was just nervous about something and the x-rays and test were totally unnecessary (awesome). 

  After actually typing that out I cant help but hysterically laugh,  I mean seriously, how does all that happen in one year?  Oh wait, it only happens to us.  Again, I understand why God gave us both a sense of humor, because we had to learn to laugh at stuff.  Because lets be honest, its all just stuff (well except the tooth, that is sort of needed, and our dog, we kind of love her).  Absolutely none of that stuff is life threatening, or made us lose sight of the most important thing in our lives, God.  Though at times I thought I lost sight of my sanity...

Now it wouldn't be fair to say that is was all horrible, 2012 was also a year for friendships, and solid ones!  We made so many UH-MAZING new friends, and strengthened our bonds with old ones.  I can't even begin to explain how thankful we are to have our friends in our lives, we love each of you so much!  We were also blessed to be able to take a trip to Cozumel, Maui (definitely strengthened the bond with The Lotts, they are pretty much stuck with us for life, we love the three of you sooo much), San Fransisco, and ended in New York.  Babies we LOVE were born, Tate (got to sit in the hospital for this sweet baby to come into the world), Naomi, and Dylan (can't believe you guys are almost 1, crazy).  We got a new truck, and we didn't have to buy a new SUV!  We met goals at work, in our personal lives, and we just plain ole grew up a little. I turned 30 (I'm trying to spin that to be positive, I originally had it in the negatives, lol)

I guess what all this is trying to say is 2012 for us was a trying year, a year that like I said could easily be looked at as not so much our finest hour.  However, today as I reflected back on the year, I was overcome by a since of joy.  Though the last year, wasn't always rosey and made for TV movie perfect, we were given so much favor and grace over our lives it is unreal.   We learned to be thankful for things we easily took for granted. Though there were many times when I looked up at God, crying for mercy, crying for a change, crying for an answered prayer or thought he wasn't showing up for me, the truth was He was there the whole time.  He was always with us, He showed up with the money when we needed it, He showed up with the perfect friend or family member to get us through certain spots, He showed up in BIG ways, but most importantly He showed up in our marriage, strengthening us and making our bond tighter then before. I can say, not everything happened that I wanted in 2012 but that doesn't mean that there wasn't a reason for it, or that it wasn't a great year. 

   So, today as I write about 2012, and think about 2013, I cant help but think why do we need the change of a minute to restart our thoughts and bring back that hope and excitement?  Why do we put so much pressure on a date?  What is it about New Years that revives us?  What is going to change over a night, we woke up in the same house we always wake up in, we ate the same cereal we always eat, and even showered in the same shower as yesterday (wellllllll, I mean that is if I would have showered OR changed out of pajamas today...hey I'm just being honest)  As I started thinking about 2013, I couldn't help but think what does a day matter?  So my goal for 2013 is to keep the joy, and thankfulness for all things, and stop pressuring myself about time, time frames, age, or schedules. I don't want to bank on the future to give me hope and joy, I want to live in the hope and joy I have at this very moment (even the joy of a snoring husband beside me) I want to focus on my marriage and my God.  I want to have so much hope, joy and excitement everyday that Jan. 1, 2014 will be just another day, not a new beginning, because we get that every morning!

So join Travis and I in praying these scriptures for a great 2013!

Lamentations 3:22-23  The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

Matthew 6: 33-34 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all theses things will be given to you as well.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Psalm 71:14 But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.

PS.  Oh and the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, last year we ate black eyed peas and cabbage for luck (well we see where that got us, lol), but this year we are relying on God!

This aint my party to plan.

  Wow been awhile.  Been a crazy summer, a summer of change, a summer of emotions, a summer of busy, and summer of just simply being so overwhelmed with life. 

  I think that we have had one of the busiest summers of my life. I haven't blogged in a while because I wasn't ready to tell our summer story.  Since I started this blog I have promised to be open and honest and tell our story, but I guess this summer was something I had never dreamed I'd be writing about.  But now I realize it is just another chapter in our story, and I'm happy to announce we lived through it! Now I will warn you this is candid, raw and honest.  It is the truth.

 Well to spare you ALL the details and to keep this somewhat to the point,  I will tell you that we had our first IUI fertility treatment in June, sadly we got the all to familiar big fat negative.  I was a mess, I think I pretty well held it together in front of people, BUT when I was alone, at home, in my car, in the shower, saw a baby in Target,  I just lost it.  I had planned it all out, everything was set, the time was right, the cost was right, the odds were in every way in my favor.  Except one huge thing was missing.  Why was God doing this?  Where was my miracle baby?  Where was my happy ending?  I didn't get those answers, I wanted those answers, I still don't have those answers.  What I did have was a big mess of myself, a fake smile, a rehearsed line about how I would be ok, a mad spirit and a giant whole in my heart.

  So after a few days...ok like a week...or more, whose counting...ugh pathetic...let just not worry about how long it was, lol, I pulled it together posted some fake sappy blog about how it would all be ok and we decided to try again in July.  This time, was different it was going to work, I mean "statistically it takes more then one time, the average person takes 3 times" blah, blah, blah...I totally suckered myself into reading studying every word of that crap, and sadly started believing it as my truth.  So we put our brave faces on and went back to the doctor, and when I tell you everything that possibly could have gone wrong, did go wrong.  It was a stressful morning, to say the least.  But I made up my mind, this was happening.  Period.  Done. Check Please.  I decided it was right and that was just going to have to be ok.  God would just have to understand.

  Before I continue, I know that none of you would ever do what I did and tell God what he was going to do for you, because just take it from me, its taken me a very long journey, a lot of struggle and lot of being broken down to finally understand that this ain't my party to plan. Just learn from my mistakes.

Anyways, back to the procedure, we started in on the two week wait, I continued my fake act, my fake smile accompanied by something profound (ok, stop laughing, I don't think I have had a profound thought in my life)I continued to go to church, to pray my same prayer of Thank you God that you WILL give us this baby (see how even I spun that to what I wanted), I continued the same fake life just as I did before, as if I was some freak of nature who could just blow it off and make a joke of it, and if anyone mentioned anything "Oh what are you talking about, I'm not even thinking about it at all"  WRONG...I'm surprised I was able to form coherent sentences around the giant cassette player in my brain that was on repeat, replaying every pregnancy symptom ever listed on any list known to man...of course I obviously had them all, I was just waiting to start showing in those 14 days.

That was until day 11, I was at church and during worship it hit me, like smacked me in the face hit me.  I realized right then and there I'm not the creator I'm the vessel, Travis isn't the creator, the doctor especially isn't either.  None of us can plan the party, if you will, without the ultimate event planner.  At that exact moment I knew the treatment didn't work, I can't explain it, I wont try, but I wouldn't take a test, I didn't have a peace about it, and so I didn't.  Just as I knew it would, it happened just like every other month, but strangely enough I didn't freak out,  I was upset but I was ok. 

 Now this hit me hard, I was a mess again but for another reason.  I realized in that moment I had put everything I wanted ahead of everything God wanted, I hadn't looked for His will I just told him what I was going to do and then prayed for the outcome I wanted.  I fell to my knees and asked forgiveness, repented for my selfishness, my need to control, and for my plain ol' untrusting heart. I finally understood why I kept understanding Sarah's story,  before I was kind of like, obviously that's the ultimate fertility story, but Im not that old, and I wont be that old when I have a baby.  But I finally got that I had put so much pressure on myself and God about getting pregnant before I turned 30 because I would be so "old" and my dreams would never come true.  I was basically, like Sarah, laughing at God, not trusting, just planning. Somehow, somewhere in the place I needed Him the most, I completely shut him out. I was trying to be the creator, I was trying to make things happen that weren't in his will for me.  I lost my promises, I was focusing on what he didn't provide me, instead of what He does.  Instead of waking up thanking him, I was waking up telling him what he was going to do.  I was asking for prayer, but wasn't properly doing it myself. 

Talk about a realization that will make you fall on your knees.  Talk about something super painful and embarrassing to write.  I had completely shut God out.  Yet God never gave up on me, he never let me go.  My friend Blaine said something to me just this weekend that resonated with me and I think is what has helped me be ready to tell the story of our summer.  She said "I hate when people say, God will never give you more then you can handle,  He will totally give you more, because that is when we fall to our knees and realize we can't make it without him and need Him the most." 

  I know He has brought me a long ways, in just this short amount of time but I also know that there is still a long way to go, God is dealing with me in his own way and showing me new things daily.  As far as fertility treatments go, I can't say what is in our future, Im obviously not against it and we may do them again, but what I can say is that I want to live in God's will for my life and I will be listening much more then telling in the future.

Thank you God that you are a merciful Father that sent his only son to die on the cross for our sins and that you love us enough to forgive us even when we are ungrateful brats. 

Isaiah 40:28-31
 28 Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.29 He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.30 Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;31 but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.

Today is the day the Lord has made!

   This morning we had some news that could be well for lack of better terms discouraging.  So I started my day by laying in my bed, deciding how the rest of the day would go.  I made a decision this morning that I would not let the enemy win this one, that would push through the hurt and pain and feelings of wanting to lay in my floor for the rest of the day and cry about how sorry I felt for myself...which I wont lie, I have done. Instead I decided to raise my hands and praise Him for the things I had, not beg for the things I didn't have.   

  As I lay in bed and listened to Kari Jobe "You are for me"  I realized that God doesn't do things TO us, he does things FOR us.  We live in a fallen world where things happen that aren't of God, we don't understand them or like them.  Cancer, Infertility, Murders, etc...but to me those are the moments, that we must stand up for what we know and that is that He is a big God and though things happen, that we don't like, or want, it isn't God doing it to us.  In our case, I know that God is not causing our baby issues, he wants to and will give me the desires of my heart.  The word says Worship the Lord your God, and his blessing will be on your food and water. I will take away sickness from among you, and none will miscarry or be barren in your land. I will give you a full life span. Exodus 23:25-26   but what is doesn't say is that every women will get exactly what she wants when she wants (which...sometimes OK all the time I wish was in there...and trust me I have read that over and over hoping it will one day appear, obviously it hasn't)

  The truth is that I know there is a plan that to bluntly put is not for me to know, it is for me to trust.  So for today I choose to trust, and not figure out, or be in the know.  The more  Travis and I choose to dwell on the past, the bad, the things we have done just puts the enemy in a spot he loves, control of our thoughts....and this is something I refuse to do!!

  Through the hard times and the good times we must all choose to believe that God is still God and that is forever unchanged,  which is something that is just completely up to us.  It is never forced on us, nor does or should it be a source of guilt, God lets us make our own decisions and we must choose to believe that He loves us and what the word says are promises to us.  Why that is sometimes so hard to do, I don't know, why do I sometimes question or worry, baffles me, because in my heart and every ounce of my being I know He is there, I know he will never leave me or forsake me.  I know he has written promises on my heart and they will be fulfilled! 

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12

Thank you all for your prayers and continuing to believe with us that this will happen!!  I've never been a quitter and don't intend to start now!